Humour

Humour is a powerful flirting tool. It is almost impossible to flirt successfully or enjoyably without it, and yet it can easily backfire if abused or misused.

On the positive side, studies have shown that people who use humour in social encounters are perceived as more likeable, and that both trust and attraction increase when a light-hearted approach is used. Judicious use of humour can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood which helps a relationship to develop more rapidly. A slightly risqué joke can help to escalate the level of intimacy in a flirtatious conversation.

On the negative side, inappropriate use of humour can kill a promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds. Making a risqué joke or comment too early, for example, before a reasonable degree of intimacy has been established, is the verbal equivalent of a bum-pinch. Men are generally more likely to make this kind of fatal mistake than women. Women, however, need to be even more cautious in their use of sexual humour, as men will be inclined to interpret this as a sign of sexual availability.

While it is clearly important to avoid causing offence or giving misleading signals, humour is an essential element of flirtation. Flirting is by definition a light-hearted, playful form of interaction. A flirtatious encounter may eventually lead to a 'serious', long-term relationship, but too much seriousness in the early stages is off-putting. Even in the longer term, a capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important. It is no accident that so many single people seeking partners through the personal ads include 'gsoh' (good sense of humour) in their requirements.

Humour can clearly help to reduce tension and awkwardness in the early stages of a flirtatious encounter. In the section on opening lines, we advised the use of phrases which are universally recognised as 'conversation-starters', such as comments on the weather. A touch of humour can make these openers even more effective. There is no need for elaborate attempts at wit: a simple twist such as "Lovely day, isn't it?" during a torrential downpour will raise a smile if your target finds you attractive. (If your target does not find you attractive, more elaborate efforts will be no more effective.)

Once some degree of mutual attraction has been established, the use of humour in flirtatious conversations tends to come naturally, as both parties are motivated to keep their target amused and interested. Our natural instinct is to try to make the other person smile. We need constant reassurance that we are liked and appreciated by the object of our attraction, and smiles and laughter provide that reassurance.

One particular form of humour, playful teasing, is particularly common in flirtatious encounters. This is because playful teasing allows partners to increase the 'personal' content of the exchange, while keeping the tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus escalating the level of disclosure and intimacy in a non-threatening manner. Men respond particularly well to this form of humour, as it closely resembles the 'mock-arguments' and good-humoured exchanges of insults which are their normal means of expressing friendship among themselves.

The most common mistakes in flirtatious use of humour involve opposite extremes. Men are more likely to over-use humour or monopolise the joke-telling, and fail to notice that their companion is bored or frustrated. Women sometimes have a tendency to under-use humour �?to adopt a serious tone when their companion would be more comfortable with light-hearted banter. There are many exceptions, of course: we've all met heavy-going men and raucous women, but most studies show that women are generally more cautious in their use of humour, while men are more inclined to avoid heart-to-heart seriousness.

If you feel you may sometimes be guilty of either excessive or inadequate use of humour, watch your companion carefully for signs of boredom or embarrassment �?such as feet or body turning away from you, forced smiles, reduced eye-contact, reduced verbal attention-signals, fidgeting, defensive arm-crossing, etc. If you are overdoing the humour, these would be your cues to tone it down a bit. If you are being too serious, lighten up!