#9  Has designed a resistance machine to train your "love muscle."

#8  His IM alias: PastramiKing

#7  The skinny bastard can't seem to compliment your progress without adding "... for a fat guy."

#6  "What say you cut this set short and help me polish off this box of jelly-filleds?"

#5  His stamina training involves you jogging to the package store and toting back a case of Zima.

#4  He uses a cheeseburger as a bookmark in the training manual.

#3  Makes a beeping noise like a truck backing up every time you walk across the room.

#2  Gets winded unwrapping his cigarettes.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Fitness Coach...

Today's workout: You push him and his out-of-gas car around town so he can run errands.