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From: Carol

Sent: Friday, December 19, 2003 6:07 AM

To: christian meeting christians

Subject: my story and why I use my chat name certifiablecrazygirl2

 

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my story and why I use my chat name certifiablecrazygirl2

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From: Carol Hi all, I love to share my story with anyone who will listen so here me goes.......lol     I guess I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember, you know I was saved as a child and was brought up just knowing and always accepting Jesus died for me. I had a good mom for that.   As a teen I was rebellious, but not to the point some were, I was afraid of drugs, but my cousin whom I was very close too was not, she ended up in rehab at 16. We were like sisters so all eyes were on me.  She told her mom I was into it too, which i was not, I smoked cigarettes, but no drugs. Though now I think the cigarettes are just as bad. I was in to hard rock and Heavy Metal music. I loved it. I would get all dressed up and hang out with my friends, go to concerts, wear spandex, ect.....those were the days. Now the Christian in me was still there some music scared me, I stayed away from Slayer and bands like them, I was into the dressed up glam bands Cinderella, Poison, ect......but did like Metallica and still do on occasion. I have never found anything satanic in their music, not to say it is uplifting...lol. I did drink, mostly because I hung out with older kids who were "of age". When I was 16 I met the man who would one day be my husband.   I dated 2 of his friends first, in fact his best friend. Then a few others. Then I asked him out. we began dating the summer before I turned 17, ( my bday is in sept) and have been together since. My one regret is we did not wait until we got married to sleep together, we were both each others first, he was not a Christian(thought he was). He was 3 years older than I was. At 18 e were both mugged at a local lake while talking in his car. Shot with a air rifle and beaten. I had just graduated High School. This brought us even closer together.   When I was 19 I got married, 3 months later due to that modern miracle called mixing birth control with antibiotics I was pregnant. God had taken a back seat in my life at this time, but you all know He is always there, waiting. I delivered a beautiful baby girl December 22, 1988. I was 20 yrs old. This is also when God began to reveal some things to me, my purpose in this life other than being a mom and wife. Hey that rhymed. When my baby was just a little over 2 months old I had my first episode. Thats what I called it. I had a full blown panic attack.   Growing up as a child, I was always slightly different. I knew there was something different about the way I thought. I never told my mom. I obsessed over things, did counting rituals. Was a very nervous child, not easily made happy. Now as an adult and mom of an infant I was afraid of everything, I was having panic attacks that scared me. I was given xanax and told to relax. Nice Dr. I turned to God, I prayed so hard, and somehow got though this but never was "cured". I had Post Traumatic stress Syndrome from being mugged, and Panic disorder and unknown to me Obsessive compulsive Disorder which I had had since birth i guess. I was also beginning to show signs of manic depression, or Bi Polar disorder. I had no I dea what lay ahead.   I had 2 more children within the next 10 years. I knew I had to have them before I was 30. How, not sure, but at 28 shortly after the birth of my last child I began to have horrible pain, eventually I was diagnosed with adenomyosis, and fibroids, I had a Hysterectomy the day before my oldest turned 10, I was 30. All during those 10 years I really struggled to appear normal, I had lots of manic highs, staying up all night to paint my whole house(inside) I could do it in 36 hours. This is with no sleep. I changed the paint, wallpaper ect every 6 months. Reaaranged the furniture all time. My lows were not too low yet but were getting there, plus I had constant fears. I saw a cardiologist convinced I had heart trouble. He said I was fine, my heart added an extra beat because of stress.   After my Hysterectomy  I broke down and went to a psychiatrist. I was put on paxil which was a nightmare. More xanax. After 9 months on paxil I tried to hurt my self, not suicide just began cutting myself with knives. They call it self Injury, I now know brought on by the paxil. it did progress though, I tried suicide 3 times, was in a psychiatric hospital 3 times and put on so many different medications. This was when I was formally diagnosed. I also had a complete physical that year. I was found to have a pos. ana test. It is the test for Lupas, but also other auto imune disorders make it positive. I saw a specialist and was diagnosed with anyklosing spondylitis (the vertabre in my back and neck will fuse together and have already begun to do so) it is auto imune arthritis, regular arthritis, Hashimotos thyroiditis, and most likely Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue. I was 2 symptoms short of a Lupas diagnosis.  I was put on more medication on top of the 3 psych ones I took. The new ones made me very ill.   In december of the year I was 32 I went off all my medications. I was attending church regularly and felt I would let God heal me. I had horrible withdrawl. I finally evened out. I was able to live with the physical ailments , I took otc medications. Aleve was a wonderful creation. No matter how hard I prayed though, God it seems was not taking away my mental ailments. I had friends praying with and for me, I prayed so hard at a revival we had. When I got home I began to see God was using me. I realized. God helps those who help themselves. I was not doing anything to help myself.   I was 33 when I went back on my meds. I joined an online support group, that I had once been a part of. within a few months I was part of their staff. I know help people with similar psychiatric disorders, and when I have the chance share Gods word with them. I feel God has made this my purpose. He has made me strong, and given me very good friends online to turn to when I myself need support . To cry , laugh ect. They have gotten me through this year, which has been bad. My Husband is a Christian now too. Praise God He has been for about 4 years. God has taken care of us in so many ways   I know some are opposed to psych meds, and think God should be the way, but think of this. If a person had a medical condition would you deny them medication. Deny insulin to a diabetic. It is very much the same. My world is very different from others. I hate the word normal. No one is Normal. We are all unique. Just as we were made by God. I am who I am,   That which does not Kill me makes me stronger. God shows me each and everyday how to be strong. He gave me 3 wonderful learning disabled children. A husband injured on the job at 37 due to negligence and a year of stress, but He is teaching me to be strong and paitent. In the end I will be rewarded if not in this life, then in my eternal one with Him in heaven.   Sorry so long. I hope this inspired some. If any of you are suffering Mental disorders and want to talk please email me. Physical too, or just have a bad day. I love people and love to talk.....see you in the chat rooms   Carol (certifiablecrazygirl2)

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