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Testimonials : My Testy
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Message 1 of 3 in Discussion

From:

just-jv (Original Message)

Sent: 4/8/2004 7:49 AM

I saw the testimony thread and said “why not�? Now I sit staring wondering what to write, wondering if it will be good enough, wondering if people will think I’m a kook after reading it and mostly hoping nobody will read it.

I will start where it starred. April, 26, 1965 I made my appearance in the world. I was brought home to a small Spanish house in Glendale, California. Glendale is a nice town 10 minutes north of Downtown Los Angeles. My family lived on a beautiful street with an uneven sidewalk dividing front lawns from grassy parkways from which elm, sycamore, magnolia, carrotwood and pepper trees grew. There seemed to always be a breeze.
Other neighbor kids and I spent countless hours foraging through select neighbors backyards. We rode our bikes with a passion. Our bikes were not the cookie cutter chrome jobs of today. Our bikes were orange, red, blue, green or whatever spray paint dad would not miss, hopefully. We put surfing or stickers from wrappers on the frames. We wrapped the handlbars with coat hangers (barbed wire to a 5 years old kid), army surplus canteens. The girls had banana seats and ape hanger handlebars. They would follow at a safe distance giggling about nothing. Thxis never changes. The girls would gather as we set up jumps and had our amateur contest. Even parents watched, drink in hand from front porches. Every time some poor kid took a trip to the ER. When my time came most of the neighborhood folks were out waving. I got extra ice cream after supper. I did not have to do dishes for a week. Just for splitting my head open.

School started. My sister just bugged people. I was ever at her defense from 5 years old. She was a weird kid. Day after day she ran from a few boys in her class. Day after day I got my butt kicked by these guys for starting a fistfight to get them away from her.

Maybe she was weird for a reason;
Our rooms were separated by a thin wall, a double wide cmy loset on my sister’s side and normal wallpapered wall on mine. She would crawl into the closet and knock. I would come to wall at talk. Late at night, grounded, we could always talk.
I don’t know exactly when the first time was or what else was going on around me but it is always there. I would lean against the wall and hear my dad’s deep but soft voice and my sister ask him not to violate her again. She cried from the pain. Sometimes she cried out for me to help. I never answered. I just sat there against the wall arms around my leg, rocking back and forth. Sorry sis.

We drove to Montana every other year to see my dad’s parents. We had a camper and my sister and I would ride in the cab-over looking down on other traffic. Spotting an out of state license plate earned you a piece of the other’s candy rations. I tried to sleep as much as possible to make time go by. Once there we would all lay on the front yard grass and talk in the evenings. At night I did puzzles with my grandmother. She was an intelligent women but not smart enough to quit smoking before emphysema took her life.
I slept in the basement where there was a pool table. I played a lot and hustled the neighbor kids for whatever I could. Montana was fun.

My parents were fighting more and more and I was getting into some trouble in school. My parents decided to do something about it. On a clear warm day in May the whole family left to go swimming at my uncle’s. I was 7 and loved to swim. We arrived and my dad retrieved the avocado green suitcase holding our swimsuits. Once inside my dad put down the suitcase and he and my mother walked out the door without saying a word or looking back. My uncle was a cop, 6-4 240 and very loud. My aunt was beautiful and very funny. She was good to me. We watched late movies together cuddled up under every blanket and pillow we could find. My clothes were toasty from the dryer every morning, school or not. She was pregnant and glowed. Soon after I arrived my uncle came thundering in the house. In full police garb he ran the my aunt in the kitchen, pulled the phone from her and punched her in the face. He yelled some vulagarities and left. My aunt sat at the dark knotty pine table, mascara runners down her face in big black tears. I brought Kleenex and put it to her bloody nose. She hugged me. There were almost daily beatings I witnessed that year. He even put a gun to her head. I lost my innocence that year.

I got into trouble In school and my grades were average despite high test scores and a high IQ. I had fights and even put a boy in my class into a coma. I was arrested for malicious mischief at 11 years old. I was officially a bad boy. Kids parents did not want them playing with me. I began hanging out with older kids. I began smoking at 12 and my mom even bought me smokes.
I started shoplifting and smoking a little pot and drinking. I quick going to school. I left home for weeks. I lived in the streets or with women and partied. At 13 I was staying with a 23 year old girl. We got high one night and had my first sexual experience.

I mostly just surfed, hung out in clubs and goofed around. All my relationships were short. My grandmother owned apartment buildings and I worked for her. Somehow I finished school. I had a bunch of girlfriends, was drinking very heavy and taking drugs. I went to Las Vegas a lot but did not gamble much. We just went for the cheap rooms and atmosphere. We went to Palm Springs to have week long parties at a girlfriends house.
I hung out a lot in Malibu and surfed. I , moved to Arizona for a couple years. During one one night stand, we skipped the protection and she had a baby I have only seen once.

I returned from Arizona to find my dad dying. He passed in March 1990. The day before the funeral at my girlfriend’s house her brother and I got in a fistfight and went to jail I got bailed out just in time.

I was drinking heavy and surfing and sleeping, that is about it. A friend invited me to a get together in Canyon Country not far from my apartment. I reluctantly agreed. My buddy was playing match maker introducing me to girl after girl. I was not interested in anything but we were out of beer. I staggered outside to a black truck where this girl is sitting alone. I ask her if she is sober to take me to the store for beer. She turned to me, I don’t remember what she said. When our eyes met, I saw those blue eyes, they captured my soul, stole time, in that moment there was nothing else but us. A month later she was pregnant. We both said we wanted this baby. We bought clothes and toys, I sang rock lullabyes to her belly. For almost four months this coming baby was center of our lives. I went to pick her up two days after Thanksgiving. As she slid in the car I noticed a cotton ball taped to her arm. She said “James, I had an abortion�? A surreal rush of terror swept over me followed by this sad sickening feeling of sudden loss and betrayal. I opened up the car door and vomited.
We actually talked after. In December, 19 1990 we got married. She became pregnant the next month. I quit smoking and drinking cold turkey. We moved to Arizona and our first son was born October 17 1991. She was in labor 12 hours. There is a Mc Donald inside that hospital. I must have eaten 10 hamburgers. She became pregnant again and we moved back to California. I was flying again and she was working. Our second son was born February 2 1993. I just had my wisdom teeth pulled and ate pot stickers.

She had a miscarriage. Then became pregnant with our third son, One month later my wife and I flew to a nice little airport restaurant to celebrate Valentine’s day. On approach to Burbank Airport, “hey baby doll I am having trouble flaring�?she had to help me land the plane. I was diagnosed with AlS or Lou Gerig’s disease at 28. She was with the doctor and I when he gave the news. When our third son was born I could no longer hold my head up or move my arms. I hated God. I withdrew. I took Xanax in large doses. I was close to the end. My wife begged me to go on the ventilator and I finally gave in. Soon she was pregnant with our daughter. May 12 1996. I was there in my wheelchair and stayed in my wheelchair three days with my wife and baby.

My wife always was loving and affectionate. I was angry. I was online baiting Christians. I taught our children “God’s not real�? I began using drugs and had several doctors calling prescriptions to several pharmacies. My wife had to make the calls and run for the meds. Soon I talked my wife into inviting another into our bed. The last two years were bad. She took the kids and left August 29 2001. Visitation with the children has been rare. My ex wife is hostile. Bad situation.

In September 2003 I met a woman at a Christian debate site. We talked a lot and soon I was telling her stories and being romantic. She took adult pictures and we used webcam in an adult way. She told me she was in love with me, wanted me. My heart wanted to believe. For months all we talked about an insurance waiver that would allow me to come home. She said she rented a 2 bedroom for this. She begged me to come to Baltimore. In January 2004 I came to Baltimore from Los Angeles, California.
When the waiver came she said I would be too much hassle. She left me in a facility. Found out she is married, she told me she does not love me and has somebody else. She was my life coming to Baltimore was finally going to be my time to be happy. Somebody wanted me in love with me a ugly quadriplegic. I thought nobody could love me again after my ex wife left with our children 2 1/2 years ago.
Everything fell apart. I was terrified, alone and confused. I cried out to God and repented. I accepted Jesus. Let’s see what happens next

First Previous 2-3 of 3 Next Last

Message 2 of 3 in Discussion

From: b_willow

Sent: 5/16/2004 7:55 PM

God Bless you, JV.

As I sit here, healthy and alert, I wonder if there is anything I can say that will convey my sincerity to you. For the pain and suffering you have been given...I am so sorry ~ and wish I could take it from you. For the past that cannot be undone...I wish it erased from your memory ~ it's effects nullified and painless.

But, I know words cannot change one single thing here.....hopefully, however, they can give you hope...and convey empathy and sisterly love.

I'd like to share something I wrote with you.....I hope this touches you, as it did my heart ~even as it was being written:

Here I sit staring into tomorrow

Seeing nothing ahead, only blank days of sorrow.

As I turn to look into the past~

My heart breaks, to recall the loves that couldn't last.

I turn to the present; and what do I see?

The love of my friends, coming to surround me.

It gives me hope, the courage I need

To turn once again....

And face what's ahead of me.

(K.R. E. March 31, 1996)

and if you can bear it...there's another I'd love to share also:

One more time I sit and yearn

For a life I've yet to learn,

One filled with love and laughter

Happy days, forever after.

Not one fear shall I feel

Only trust that is real.

Where is this love, I've yet to see...

Is it really out there for me?

In God's hands my trust I place~

To, someday reveal the face...

When it is time, to find my place.

I know you have alot to offer, JV....not only us in the room; but to those youngsters out there, just coming up in the world.

Thank you, my friend, for sharing your story with us so boldly. It gives courage to us who have yet to share so openly.

Again, God bless you, my brother. May the Lord make His face to shine upon you! And keep you in His grace.

your sister-in-christ,

Willow

Message 3 of 3 in Discussion

From:

9233ziggy

Sent: 7/11/2004 7:58 AM

Hi JV, I just wanted to tell that your Testy really inspired me.

I myself am in a wheelchair ,I was in a car wreck in 87'.

I broke a bunch of bones in my body plus crushed 3 vertabrae in

my neck plus a coma for 3 month's. I've had to learn everything over again at 22 (I'm 40 now)....It's been a uphill battle until

95' when I gave my heart to Jesus...everything EVERYTHING

changed, I can now walk a little now,and I'm not afraid to fall

anymore because God protects me from getting hurt too badly,I depend on God fully and he will help you too, soon I'll be back riding a Harly spreading the Word this time....thanx! ZIG