I’ve been reading the testimonies & I’m crying -- they are great ! TY all for putting them here. I’m new to the room & community -- I feel like sharing my own testimony of sorts…it might be too “descriptive�? if so, I understand. & Sorry !~

I grew up in a very “Mixed�?home-- my mother was a strict Christian-- she always taught me about God & made sure I went to church every week. My father-- he went to church with us - put up a good “act�?to everyone…but at home - was very - very abusive.. One night he got angry, took out a gun & told us -this was it -he forced us into the car---taking us up into the mountains intending to kill us�?he told my mother to get out of the car- and my mother told me to Pray -I prayed so hard---I didn’t know what to do…I heard the gun go off & my father came back to the car alone. He told me that my mother was dead & that if I wanted to live - I would do what he wanted -- the sexual abuse had started when I was very young- I learned that it was one of the only things that would “calm�?him down…so, I was more than willing to do it --afterward he put the gun to my head & I thought well God this is really it - At least I’ll be with my mom. But, suddenly he stopped & told me to get into the car…I did & we drove down the mountain…on the way down - he seemed to calm down a lot --it was usually like that…he would pretend nothing had happened & expect us to do the same…he pulled over - turned around and started going back up - I was praying the whole time -- almost all the way back up - I saw my mom -- she wasn’t dead at all - she was walking back down -- we picked her up & went home-- he hadn’t shot her either…she was beat up - but fine -- my mother always told me that if I prayed…God would protect us --& I had a hard time seeing what God did-- after all --my father still got angry & we suffered - was that protecting us? The “Miracles�?were there though--even if I didn’t want to “see�?them --One time our car broke down & wouldn’t start again on the way to church -- my father got angry and my mom & I started praying ------we were at the bottom of a big hill - he told us to get out & start pushing the car-..we tried our best -and as the car got to the hill it suddenly started going up the hill by itself- my dad was in the drivers seat of the car -& when it got to the top we saw that the car wasn‘t started at all -my dad thought we had done it -that was the first real “Miracle�?I remember---but even so-- I started blaming God & my mom for what was happening…it was usually something “religious�?that started the arguments -my mother insisted on us always going to church - & was very set in her ways when it came to being a Christian…The only time she would “give in�?was when he would go after me…so, he did often-- we would call the police at times-- my father didn’t seem bothered by that tho- he had spent over 10 years in prison - before they had gotten married…at one time when I called 911 -- he took the phone away from me & talked to the police himself -- they came -- and left -- didn’t take him to jail at all & I suppose now looking back on it -- it was probley because my mother didn’t “press charges�?but at the time - I didn’t understand at all. I learned that there was no way out--I went to all Christian schools - & was baptized when my other friends decided to be & because my mom wanted me to be�?I can’t say I didn’t love God - I did -but, I didn’t think God loved me. Things remained the same for most of growing up -We didn‘t have any $$- my father wouldn’t get a job--so, we would resort to digging behind the grocery store’s in garbage cans at night for food…which worked- my mother would pray before we went - asking God to put something special in them--lol & who knows maybe God did�?The “anger�?of my father was consistant- I would beg him not to hurt my mother -- & would do sexual favors for him -- to get him to stop…I felt like it was just as much me- since I initiated it sometimes myself---I didn’t really hate him as weird as that may sound -- I was scared of him--yes but, when he wasn’t angry -- he was a very fun person to be around -- at church -- he would joke with my friends & they would tell me what a “cool�?dad I had…When I was 11 or 12 -- my dad took me to pick Baby’sBreath -- to sell - we went camping - these guys at the same site came & asked to borrow our shovel -my dad gave them one --the next day we were getting ready to leave & my dad went to them --and asked for his shovel back - the 2 men were drunk & refused to give it back- I was in the car waiting---my dad got angry --he came back to the car got his gun &

told them again to give the shovel back -they refused - I remember thinking they were so stupid not to just do what he said --he shot both of them- & we just left them there to die- He warned me not to tell anyone about it -we met my mom in town -- & the next day or so�?he went to the police station himself & told them that he was the one that had shot them- they put him into jail�?my mom & I stayed there for a few months--until somehow he convinced them that it was Self defense and they let him go…A little after that time -I was about 13 my Dad - left us…I have no clue why�?He moved to Arkansas --& I went to visit him in the summer-- --only occasionally he would start drinking & get angry…I would leave and spend the night with a boyfriend �?When I went back home in the Fall --my mother sent me to a Boarding School…she always had insisted I go to Christian schools…I felt very “unwanted�?I didn’t want to be there-- I wanted to be at home with my mom--The school - was very nice -- but, it cost a lot of money -$2000.00 a month for room & board/ food etc. that we couldn’t afford. I worked 8 hours a day after school to pay for it & then spent the summers there working to pay for the entrance fee’s to get back in---I was forced to go to the campus church - we didn’t get a choice to skip- & I always felt like that I wanted the chance to really decide for myself wither I wanted God in my life & never felt like I had a choice-- it was always expected …I felt something missing that I couldn’t get right�? Something good did come of going to boarding school - I met my husband there-- we dated all through high school. He was a spiritual leader type -he loved God & got me more involved in the spiritual aspects--- we would take walks & pray for our friends --he would give student week of prayers for the school--& I felt more at peace with God then--like God was real & a part of our life…We graduated -- & didn’t want to be separated --he lived 6 hours away from where my mom lived-- so we wouldn’t have gotten to be together --We didn’t really think things through -- we ran off & got married -- guess we figured that our parents would have to accept that we were together…which didn’t happen - we got a reality check when his mom said we couldn’t live there -- we stayed with his dad for a while -- until my husband came home one afternoon & said …Guess what I did today? I joined the Army ! I tried to talk him out of it -- but knew he was right ..we needed a way to live-- he left for boot camp & I stayed with my mom --who was doing a lot better--- she had met a very…very nice man - a pastor-- & had gotten re-married…It was nice to see her happy for once�?After my husband came back from boot camp - we went & got a house near the base he was stationed at -- I guess I expected us to get involved with church & for things to finally be good for us too…but, well Army life changed things-- my husband started smoking & drinking a lot -having friends over -- partying-- we stopped going to church alltogether--which actually felt nice in a way---we didn’t “Have�?to go anymore…my husband wanted to start a family & have kids--- but I was a bit scared -- I told him no- I didn’t want kids while he was in the military & gone so much- …�?he didn’t like being in the army either & couldn’t wait to get out…lol - We were married 5 years & then something unexpected happened-- On one of the weekends we went to his dads-- he wanted to make extra money - logging - & an accident happened �?he rolled the cat over and a log fell on him - killing him instantly - It was a hard time �?I still wonder -- God -? Is he there in heaven with you?…or did we mess that up when we stopped going to church & stopped praying�?I don’t know- I miss him a lot - but a long enough time has gone by-- that I’m not crying every night anymore-- well my story is going on and on-- I’ll try to fast forward a bit-- After…I started going back to church-- went to college -- & got a job teaching kindergarten at the local church school…I still felt like I was “pretending�?to be a Christian - I made sure I went to church & was hoping maybe God would notice--------& make himself more “Real�?somehow…but, things didn’t change - just got worse-- I found out something about the associate pastor & it became a huge issue �?I was asked to leave the church…At that point�?I said ---ok God -- so, you’re done with me!! -- you don’t want me in your church!! …You never have felt real!! …………�?no matter what I do -- it’s not good enough--- I’m Tired --------------------- just so --------Tired------- of pretending …�? Why can’t I be like other Christians? God -- ? You’re real to them!!…�?The only thing that half--way made me feel like I was getting things right -- was going to church every week & now --- well I’m not even welcome there anymore. So, I have to say --I gave up ! -------I said forget it ……You‘re done with me God..& I‘m done with You!! Good bye!!! A few years later ..I was walking in a big walkathon -- there were people on the sidelines holding signs -- & one of them said -- The Goddess Loves You! I had never seen that before! I wasn’t sure if they were joking or not - so, I stopped and asked more about it ..they said well- if you’re meant to learn about this path -- a teacher will come to you. I thought - hmm what a lousy blow off - & I went on my way…but a few days later - a friend of mine was getting married…It was a fast planned wedding - so, I was calling friends to invite them …going down the list -- there was someone I hadn’t talked to since I was a kid-- an old family friend…I called her up & we started talking -- she said hey- I know you are on a spiritual search in your life right now-- I’m wiccan we are a Nature based religion that worships the Goddess & my husband is a Magician …Why don’t you come here & live with us for awhile to learn…I thought instantly of the people at the walkathon & what they had said -- I thought wow--- amazing -- so�?I moved there to my friends house & got into Spiritulism - I started Meditations & doing Spiritual readings for people using Tarot Cards --at first with my Christian background - I didn’t believe in it really--but -I would ask people to be honest & tell me --if they were accurate�?amp; no one ever said no -- they all said wow your accuracy is amazing…I’d even do readings for Christian skeptics --- who just wanted to “Prove me wrong�?..they would leave with -- hmmm, how did she know & do that? I thought well this is what I’ve been wanting my whole life -- something REAL -- but, it wasn’t really worshiping a God or Goddess at all - at least I didn’t feel like I was--I had my favorite Goddess I prayed too -- but it was more to help guide my energies & meditations. It was more about me & the Magickal Energies -- Someone told me about spiritual circle chats on the computer & I thought it looked interesting so..I started coming to the religion section of the msn chatrooms. I would mostly go into the Ask A Witch room -- but, sometimes couldn’t help but wander into the Christian chats and listen to them praise God -I always felt sad -deep down I knew that God & Jesus were real --- and I was throwing my chances of Heaven away -but I was really lost -- didn’t know how to find God- The more I went into the christian chatrooms -- the more I knew what I was doing was wrong ..the time came when my friend wanted me to make a commitment into their Spiritual Group - I wanted to …I actually fit in there & was comfortable there�?.but -- my heart was saying No -- This isn’t right�?maybe it was God’s help. I told them no, I can’t -- and left…�?This is when God really started to work in my life�?I moved to a new town --- I found a job as a preschool teacher & went out and bought a very very tiny camping trailor & parked it 15 miles out of town in a small trailor park --I pretty much kept to myself -- didn’t have anyone over ever & didn’t have any friends…I thought maybe I could save enough for a bigger trailor--I looked at the other trailors in the park…all the big fancy ones with tip outs & I thought more as a joke ..lol someday �?.ya -- I’ll have one of those..but mine will have a washer & dryer in it too…I hadn’t been there long when one night my car started to break down -- It was like 10:30 at night & I thought oh no--- God -- help me please�?just help me make it to the trailor�?it did & I went in …laid down on my bed & started to cry .. I didn’t know what to do-- I didn’t have anyone to call for help -- I didn’t have any money at all to even ask anyone to tow it ………I didn’t know anyone at all ! I hadn’t been there long -- maybe 10 minutes�?amp; there was a knock on my door -- I thought oh..hmmmmmmm who could that be? No one ever came to visit me…I opened the door & was very surprised to see a friend of my husbands -- that I hadn’t seen for over 4 years --standing there…I don’t know how he knew where I lived …he said well I was just driving around & thought I’d come see how you were doing …I answered politely -- I’m ok …didn’t mention anything about my car -- didn‘t want to seem like I was desperate lol �?.& then he looked at my car and asked -- well how is your car been running?? --- of all the people --- this guy was a mechanic --I broke down & said awful-- my car just blew up…he said well let me look at it & then said your right, it is going to take too much for a quick fix -- I’ll tell you what -- you can buy this car that I’m driving right now -- I’ll come back tomorrow & you can come with me to my house & I’ll let you have it --just make payments when you can- …………�?I was in a shock -- I couldn’t believe what had just happened --- thought for a minute that it had been some kind of weird dream lol my car breaks down …at like 10:30 at night & the only mechanic that I’ve known that I hadn’t seen for over 4 years shows up out of the blue at that second & asks me how my car is & gives me another car? …�?.I thought God ??? Is that You ? Really taking care of me?? I knew it was …I didn’t understand why -- but -I cried & cried that whole night & got my bible out and started praying -- God really was there & he did care about me!!!!!!!!!!!! I decided to give God my whole heart forever !!! …�?.And things just got better ! A few weeks later the owners of the trailor park came to me & said we just bought a new house & there is a big 40 ft trailor on the property …you can buy it from us if you want…it’s really nice & has tip outs with a washer & dryer in it …lol -- now I was sold before seeing it even …yipppieeeeeeeeee A washer & dryer & tip outs !!!!!!!!! Nice hu ! That’s been about a year ago & I feel better with God than I ever have�?I’m not leaving again--------- I have a lot of things I need to work on & at times I still feel lost …but with God we can get through it together --I’ve been working on dealing with the things in my past lately --it’s been hard & I’ve had a lot of flashbacks --& Emotional breakdowns ..God & prayer�?has helped me through it�?I love God with my whole heart ---and know that God does answer Prayer & does care about even me!!! Thankyou for reading on and on ----with my long testimony --- With God All things are Possible & God in His time will make everything like it should be!!

Love ya ~JULIE~