I wish there was something I could do for my Grandpa. He has an order. The guy at the drug store says that it is not Grandpa that it is the cancer. Which the smell is stronger at different times.

   I wish I could lay down and take a nap but I am just too anxious and we always have to be ready for company.

   I pray to God that he will give me the courage and strength to keep taking care of Grandma and Grandpa.

   Right now at this moment I feel lost. I keep praying that my ARHMS worker Marsha comes tonight and that she will just hold me. I need her to take me into town so that I can groceries and some stuff from the drug store.

   I got some DVDs from the libairy on Tuesday and so hopefully we can watch them tonight.  Friday nights are boring on TV here cause we are out in the country and have no cable or anything.

   All I want right now is to be held. I want someone to tell me everything will be ok. And that God will take good care of Grandpa. I know He will.

   I am so afraid of Grandpa dying. I don't want him to look down here on me and see some of the things I do.  My uncle Tim killed himself in May of 1996. And I have done alot that I am very ashamed of. But the things I do I do not want my Grandpa to see nor find out.

   I read this book about taking out your trash. That everyone has a trash bag that they carry and that if you give it to God...Meaning confess your sins that everything will be lifted and that you no longer will be carring that bag of trash.

   If it is ok. I feel I really need to confess my sins. I belong to another Christian website and I do not feel comfortable to put it on that board.

   If you do not want to hear or read about my sins do not read any further.....

   I want to confess that I have slept with men for money. That I have had inpure thoughts of hurting people like I was hurt. I want to confess that I have told many false accusations. And that my Uncle Tim that killed himself never touched me in a bad way. The night he died he asked me a question. And I do not remember what the question is so I have told people that he asked me to have sex with him. My Uncle Tim loved me with all of his heart. And he cared...He was more of a Dad to me than my Biological Dad and my Adopted Dad put together.  I want to confess that I am a cutter. That I overdose because I sometimes want attention and sometimes because I am afraid of what is going to happen next. That I do not know  what the future is going to bring and it scares me very much. That the last time I overdosed I did it because I felt that if I died before Grandpa then I did not have to worry about him seeing the things I do. The things that I know he would be uposet about.  I want to confess that even though I have told people that my Grandpa has hurt me. He never has even spanked me or anything.

Thank you for listening.

God Bless,

LacyLou1985

I am so tired but I know that I will not sleep tonight. Grandpa is not good at all. I feel so alone. And don't know what to do with myself. Like I said I am so tired. But I have to make sure that Grandpa does not go near the corn stove. He said he would do something to it and so my Uncle told me to keep him away from it.

Grandpa is down to 141. When before Christmas he was lik at least 220. I am pretty sure that he weighted more than that. Well I suppose I better get Grandma ready for bed and I should at least take my bedtime meds. I wish there was something I could do for my Grandpa.

If anyone feels like it they may reply to this. Don't know if anyone reads these or not.

Night night

LacyLou1985