crying in silence #2

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I know its late and I'm very short on sleep but I just can't make myself go back to the nightmares. I'm so tired of waking up crying, I am so tired of living my life with his shadow still over me. How so much evil could exist in one person I don't understand but I wish I'd never been so stupid. He has screwed up so much of my life. I am free of him physically now and I know I should be happy about that and I am... I just wish I could be free of him for good in every way. Sometimes its almost as much pain being alone and knowing he still has his hands on my mind. Its been some time now that I've been on my own and I'm still afraid to walk down the street on my own or walk into my apartment sometimes. I look over my shoulder almost everywhere I go, I got a dog because I couldn't answer the door, shower, or even sleep in my own home. I've been terrified for so long, I'm just exhausted of it. I just want to rest for a little while. It could be so much worse I know but its such a heavy weight on my life. I know I need to be strong for my daughter but sometimes I wonder if I won't end up letting her down someday anyway. Therapy... sometimes I wonder if its doing more help or hurt. Sometimes we talk about such painful stuff I just break down for hours after I leave. It feels good to be telling someone these things but I'm ashamed to cry in front of her so I keep it in. I'm ashamed to cry at all - another kind addition from my life with Travis. I can always hear him in my head calling me weak and sad. All that makes me happy is Isabel. Her smile and her laugh and just everything about her makes me so happy. Just knowing I have her safely in my care gives me something to live for but I'm so terrified I'll lose her somehow I can hardly stand to be away from her. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if he was right! I hate the way I feel, I feel insane. How do I get him out of my life???

Ashlee I am very sorry you are having these horrible nightmares. I pray for you now sweetie that God will give you peace of mind and rest for your weary body, you need to sleep. Our body can only repair itself when we sleep and I pray you can sleep now.

God gives us tears to help us cope and it is a release for when we are sad, broken, and feel all alone and hopeless.

Never be ashame of crying my friend for I can tell you I have cried a ocean (almost) full of tears in my lifetime.

I do not know much of your story but all I can do is tell you that from what I read in your post that you are a very strong person to have come this far. Your little girl sounds so precious and sweet and you have her to love and help. She needs you well and rested and you have to somehow let yourself cry out and scream out if it helps you..just be sure Isabel is not near you.

Therapy is good if you have a good therapist who truly understands and helps you relax and able to cry and express your emotions.

I do not know if you believe in Jesus but if you do please just talk and pray to him and ask Him to help you. You can pray to Jesus just like He is your best friend and He will calm you and help you get to sleep. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you everything is going to be alright but all I can do is hope I can help you by letting you know I have suffered so much in life and did not know if I would make it through another day/night and went many nights sleepless with so much torment and pain in my body and mind.

I would read my bible and watch videos of beautiful landscapes and bible verses and it took time but in Gods time.

He did help me to get better and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I cried so many nights and wanted to die for I was all alone and very severly depressed. I am here because God loved me enough to pulled me out of my terrible storm as I let Him lead my way. So now I devote my time and help to all who are where I used to be because I know the pain and hurt.

God saved me from myself, and I owed so much to Him and I am trying by helping friends like you who need someone just to care and listen. I am truly sorry for your pain and I pray that soon you will feel better.

You take care and you have Isabel to love during these very difficult times and she is a precious gift and blessing from God.

We all here are here to help each other and my love and prayers are for you now my friend.

Good Night Sweetie and Sleep Peacefully I pray for you.

Love MaggieSunshine

Hun, I'm sorry that this is still so difficult for you. I don't know if this will help you or not but what I do is write them down. When I wake up, I start writing what I can remember. It got to the point to where I was writing when ever I was upset during the day, when I was upset or triggered. This seemed to help some. I also started writing the pros and possitives in and of my life. No one sees it but you unless you choose to share. I noticed that it was a way for me to deal with certain things without feeling scared or embarrassed of telling someone. I hope you stay with your councler or find a different one if you are not comfortable with the one you have,I feel that is important. I know you are a very strong person and you are fighting to become stronger every day. You are not weak or sad for crying. Crying can help you thru the difficult times of life. I still cry alot.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers Love n Hugs~T

HEY THERE SUGAR I HAVE BEEN OUT OF MY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FOR 23 YEARS NOW. BUT EVERY DAY I'M HAUNTED BY SOME PAST MEMORY. YOU ARE A VERY STRONG LADY AND YOU HAVE 2 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN. YOU WILL ALWAYS DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM. CRYING IS GOOD FOR US GOD GAVE US OUR TEARS AND HIS HEART BREAKS FOR YOU. CRYING CAN BE VERY HEALING AND VERY HEALTHY. KNOW WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU.

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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