crying in silence #2

You know the storm is coming and you try to avoid it but then you can no longer stay silent.

This was me last night.

Boy I need to vent right now cause I ask my hubby last night why he won't find work and he flew all over me and I just build up this huge lump in my throat and cried. I honestly screamed out to God please Dear God make him go away and distroy this enemy that is trying to kill me with his words of hate and lies. He blames me for all of his failures and is very bitter and brought up things in the past. He said very mean and hateful things to me and I told him to get out because He said he would change and do Gods will but he lied and still the same man that satan has wrapped around his finger. Oh yes he is fine as long as I never ask him about working or why he has not fix something he promised me long ago he would. He does not like to be ask about anything or feel pressure at all if it is something he has not done. He needs help and I told him he was sick and needed to get council but no he flew all over me and blamed me. Honestly if I was not a christain I would have probably got down on his level of thinking and flew back words of hate and anger. I did this the first time he lied to me back in 2003 about an affair and I blew up and wanted so bad to hurt him then. I let the enemy get to me back then too and fought him back with hate and mean words for breaking my heart and lieding to me about his affair. If I told you all some of the stories of my life with him you would all be in shock for sure. I am of love and forgiveness and do give someone my all before I finally say...it's over get out!

I ponder for so long and prayed about this before I mention it to him. I had hope and prayed that he had changed and would give me a reasonable reply or answer and tell me what his plans were for us. I know it is not good when I worry and now I am worry for he has been out of work too long and we are using up all of our money we had saved. He is a very passive person and very depressed and God knows I have try to help him.

When he will not talk to me or we just exsist then I know something is wrong. He says I am the reason he acts this way because he will not take the blame for nothing and blames me and others for his failures in life. I know this is why my sons will not come around him because they can see who he really is. I thought if I loved him and show him how much I care that he would get better and I have prayed for him too.

To many details here to say and he is good about some things as long as I keep my mouth shut.

So now I am in so much pain for this storm of hell with him and I tried so hard to stay calm and collected and let him talk. When he started blaming me for all of his ways, and failures I really got upset and said to him No-way, you have always been the one of lies and deceipt and I have forgiven you but now you want to say it is my fault and bring up the past when all I wanted to know was when you are going to look for work. So I told him again to leave and get his stuff and give me a divorce. I said I no longer can get well or live with a man who holds or knows no truth and only wants to kill me slowly with his anger, vindictive words, and his cruel cold ways. I said I have tried and tried to help you, and forgiven you and prayed for you but I can no longer do this and live this way. Believe me I am very sick and will have to find work and pray God will open up that door for me. I have my house and a few things but no money saved of my own so yes I am not scare or afraid because I know God will provide a way for me. God I know wants me to get well but I can't get well living like this with him. I never wanted another divorce and still don't but I am at my wits end here with him. I should have listen to God when I met him but all of his loving and caring ways then made me believed he loved me. But I did tried very hard to push him away but he always came back and stupid me thought he loved me and this voice kept saying to me no don't let him in but I listen to myself insted of God and married him. So I am to blame for not listening to God and now I must make the right decision here. He is still here as I type and has not said much to me for I stay away from him and pray. I wish he would leave and get away from me for I am tired of his accusations and lies. He knows how much I love God and I do not fear him (hubby) and told him go ahead and kill my flesh and break my heart but you will never have my soul. This why my sons do not understand my level of forgiveness and the way my hubby has hurt me and will have nothing to do with him.

I am listening to Christy Lane right now and she has a beautiful voice and sings such beautiful christian hyms. It helps me when my pain is severe to listen to good christian music or easy listening. All we can do for each other is pray and give all the support and love to one another that we can over the internet.

I know God hears our prayers and He tells us this in His words we will suffer here in this life. We must have faith and have believe just like a child that He will help us. We suffer because we are of sin and will be until we die and the closer we come to our Heavenly father and knowing him on a very personal level does He give us a revelation and will help us who suffer. He will give us strength, courage and wisdom when we come to know Him so well and obey Him.

It is hard to do Gods will everyday here in this life and we all try but we all fall at times and this is when we need to ask for forgiveness and get back on track with God. Jesus knows better then anyone the pain and suffering we as humans do and this is why He died for our sins. Jesus knew that our sins are too overbearing and even though we try to be of good but the enemy is sneaky and pulls us back into his games. So Jesus knows we who try so hard and in our daily lives we live in pain and sadness for the enemy love to distroy anything of good and of Gods. So when we stay on a constant talk, walk and prayer with God there is no room for the enemy to get in as much as before we got closer to God. God is my strength and through him I try to do my best but even I fall at times because I am still human. I know though I may fall that God still loves me and forgives me and each time I fall I pick myself back up with Gods help and go on cause I know one day I will be home with my Father. There is noone without sin, not one and all we can do is stay very close to God and ask him for his shield of protection from harm and from the enemy who forever enter our thoughts. But we must delete those bad thoughts and ask God for help as soon as we think on them and tell the enemy of these thoughts to get back away from us and stay away because we know Jesus shed his blood for us and noone should temp God who loves us His children.

Just like life if you had a choice would you choose to go flying off of the mountain like the hogs did to the pitfall of hell, or would you rather choose to live in paradise with God forever more. We have to make that choice it is freewill and not something God forces on us, because he wants us to come to him out of love and respect for Him.

So when we have thoughts of no control "But" how we respond and act on these thoughts be it good or bad is up to us and who we are. I can tell you the closer we stay with God the less often these bad thoughts surface anymore. I am far from where I would like to be with the Lord and it is a daily struggle but I am trying. We sin when we do not even know we are sinning. I live in fear no more and take my fate for what it is and know only God knows where I am going or when I will die. But I give it my best and do all I can with what I know the Lord has shown to me. It is a everyday lesson studing and knowing the Lord to feel I can make it for without God I know myself, I would rather died then to live in this pain and hell in this world here. I know as soon as I give up and no longer believe then the enemy has won my soul if I took my own life.

So it is so hard not to be depressed and sad with so much pain and I have prayed that God would go ahead and take me home to be with him and He still wants me to live and help others even with my pain so here I am.

I am sending my prayers, hugs and my love to all of you and please just pray and hold on to God and He will help you come through the storms.

So my prayer is please Dear Lord take away the source that is causing my pain, and please forgive me for my sins and mistakes and help me to heal and feel better. I know I have done things wrong in my life whether be my fault or not but I trusted other people who have severely hurt me and are trying to distroy the love you have created in me. I know I should have listen to you insted of myself, or him and my wants and I am truly sorry, please forgive me.

I take full blame and need some peace of mind and my weary bones need rest, and I know you are a very busy Father but please hear my plea now, for my body is screaming with pain.

Father I know you love me and I pray to you for I know you are the great physician and can heal my pain.

Dear Lord you sent Jesus to died for my sins and search me.

Oh Lord, and know my heart,soul and love is true for you. I need you father and you said you would help me when my load got to be more then I could carry and I need you now please Dear Father.

Please help all of us who are suffering so much and please take the enemies away from our lives. Dear Father I sing praises to you and shout high to the mountains tops that I know you are the creator of all creation. Praise you with all my love and soul. You make the days cloudy or bright, you make all of the seasons, the moon and sun, you make all of the beautiful flowers, birds and the great big ocean and all things you created. I can do nothing without you(I am deserving of nothing but from your love and kindness you have helped me) only through you am I able to keep going and what you provide for me you do out of your love for me and thank you so much.

I know of your love and kindness and no other love can ever come close to your love Father.

Dear Lord I can help others by knowing you better and I know of your love and kindness and I need to be well to help others like myself. Dear father you know my need before I speak a word and you know all of my thoughts and can see everything. I do know though you want me to get down on my knees and ask of you these things I need in order to be well and now father I am here with my plea.

So now I plea for you to please help me and all of the other women here who are suffering and help us please I pray.

Only you know our fate and our destiny and only you can heal us. I love you Father and am very sorry when I have failed you and not listen to you. Please forgive me for my sins I pray and ask of these things in Jesus Christ Name. Amen

Your Loving daughter MaggieSusnhine

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