crying in silence #2

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Oh I am so lost right now. It has been almost a week since all kinds of drama happen, and a bit over a month since I made him leave, I had stayed away from him for 3 weeks and then we stared to talk he seemed to be on the right track and we were getting along fine granted we were not around each other, Well last week he called and asked if I wanted to go to a bar-b-q with him and his older brother, I was like why not, So I went. It was nice the only thing I didn't like was him and his brother started to drink but it didn't get out of hand I was having a good time until I noticed the time it was like 130am and I had not been out like that in like 7 years or so. Well I decided to go and my ex was all like can I go home with you so we can hang out tmrw, I didn't want to at first but I wont lie I missed him so I was why not, OH NO BAD IDEA!! He was fine all the way back to my place until we got into the drive way ohh man it was weird, He got all angry and started to say how women were b words and then he turned to me and said You are a big b I stopped the car and I told him WTF is your issue you had to mess up a good streak huh I am gonna take you home because I dont need this crap Well he got out of the car and went up to the apartment I just let it be figured we would just go to bed or so I hoped not so we got inside and that is where it started omg he started telling me that I kicked him out of OUR house and that I was a fat Obese B and that I was a whore and so on and so forth well I told him that actions like this made me make leave and that I didn't need to take his crap that I wanted him to go back home he went off even more I told him to be quite because the neighbors were gonna call the cops he got all mad and opened the front door and started to yell outside I dont care who calls the cops let them I'll kick some a$$ and that he was not afraid he went all crazy well then that is when my sister came home because she had been staying with me. Well he came in with her and she go upset she was told me why do you take that crap, I didn't say anything I just want the yelling to stop well she got up and said she was going to her car to talk on the phone, well shortly after the door closed behind her sure as day it was the cops knocking they didn't do much but make him be quite and then they left well....... it was on after that he said I was a trader that I called the cops on him and started with the same crap saying he didn't know why he was with a fat B that all his friends ask him why was he with a fat ass girl and he said he could find someone sooooo much better then me well with in that time my sister came back up and she tried to put him in his place and then they started to fight and get all physical well he left because at this time my sister called the cops but before he left he spit in my face called me a backstabber and a trader and a B and that I was dead to him and for me to look into his eyes and listen to him because he was speaking from his heart he hates me he said he hates me with all his heart and he also wishes death on me he said he hopes I die when I get my gastric operation that I was dead to him then he was gone. Well 3 days went by and he called I answered not knowing who it was and the first thing he says is can we talk I got sooo mad I told him dont call me ever again leave me alone I dont have time for you and I preceded to hang up when I heard him say I need my stuff from your car and that is when I hung up. Well later that day I packed what ever was left behind that I knew would cause him to bother me and I drove by his moms and I dropped it off in the driveway and honked 2 times and drove away. His mom called me asked me if it was me I said yes I told her I dont want any problems and that I didn't want to cause problems, it was funny because she came at me like this was all my fault ugh it made me kinda upset. I know its because of things he tells his family about me (LIES). I dont know why I care what they think of me but I do. Its awful his brother even told his girlfriend that she was not allowed to talk to me anymore and she told me not to call her anymore I was respectful to her I told her it was nice knowing her and god bless her. Sorry this is so long I just wanted to tell you whats been going on up to this point of confusion I didn't put everthing but good enough...... Well the confusion is. . . WHY do I still Miss him Why does a part of me still want him to call WHY WHY WHY. WHY is it in a part of my heart I want it to by some miracle of God want it to repair itself and us get back together, WHY do I cry for him. WHY do I MISS HIM !!!!!!!!! Did I do the right thing ? Oh 4 years 4 years down the drain. I gave up so much for him for us. WHY? What did I do or what didn't I do? What do I do now? Well I have talked my head off and I am sorry. I wish you all well!!! God Bless you all!!

There are no magic words to explain why we feel so much pain when we still care and love the one who is causing our pain.

It is so hard to understand how we can still feel anything for the person who has humilated us, embarrassed us, abused us, cursed us, mocked us, and made us feel worthless but even through all of this pain we still care. It is a mystery how we can still love the person who has lied to us, deceived us and broken our heart and try to kill us with their abusement.

I know myself that I finally had to come to terms with myself and realized that I can not ever change anyone and all I can do for him is to pray for him and ask God to give him a loving heart. I have been through so much with my hubby now and I know exactly how you feel and it does puzzle you I know for it did me too for so long.

The biggest thing I have had to overcome is Fear of being alone because I hate being alone. I hate not having someone close to me even if that meant being mentally abused at times. So I have come to terms with knowing now after much time and much prayer, study, and talking to God everyday that I can be alone and I deserve good love and love like the love I give so freely.

I think that after a while we come to understand that we have no more forgiveness left in our hearts and we are stronger and we keep ourselves busy with work and friends while our hearts mend from our broken and shattered relationship.

I know myself I always said to myself how can I even forgive him again after he has hurt me so much but I did over and over but he never drank but he did do all of the other things to me.

I always laughed to myself and say this is Crazy Love and Why? So many times in life we do not understand why we say or do the things we do but we just do what we feel and think is right at the moment. Nothing about crazy love makes sense and it keeps us confused and so sad.

I know myself, that I live with my hubby now because of my health problems and I cannot work a full time job right now and so I need his income to help me. But I do know when I am well enough to work again that I will make him leave because I am sick of his Mr Hyde and Dr Jetkel personality. I have already though told him to leave many times because I have my house from my first marriage and know that God will help me if he would only leave me be. Sometimes our abuser keeps us in so much tormoil that we cannot heal and causes us to need their support and it is a vicious cycle and somehow we have to break it and get out of this kind of relationship before it kills us for good. It is much easier to leave an abuser when you can take care of yourself, and do not need his income. Living in a abusive relationship is very dangerous when we fall into their traps and play their evil games. If we elect or choose to live with them then we only put off the enivable and delay the end for nothing good comes from a abusive relationship. Only anger and hostility builds up inside of us and I know myself, I too wonder how in this world can someone be so cruel and mean to me when I gave up my sons, and family, friends, and so much for him. It is so hard to understand how in the world can someone be so deceiving and tell us so many lies to win our love and hearts and then once we have fell in love with their good side, and they have our love, do they then turn on us and their ugly personality comes out, and we are loss as to why and very hurt at this person who we trusted with our souls and our hearts. I know I have said many times to my hubby now what gave you the right to take my love and heart and try to kill my soul and break me into a million pieces when I trusted you to be a man of truth and honor but you have none. So after I have spent a half of a night in jail cause he convinced the police I was in danger of hurting myself. He had me locked up in a mental hospital against my will. Oh yeah, all of this started in my life at the age of 50 and before him I never had been in jail or in a hospital. I had a clean and good character and my sons that are 37 and 33 to testified on my behalf, family and friends also. My sons from previous marriage of 34 years hate my hubby now and came to my rescued. I mean to tell you that never in my lifetime have I ever been so fooled my someone. So after so much pain and fighting fire with fire I got out of the frying pan and said no more will I play your stupid games of crazy love. It is so easy to have love and hate at the same time for this kind of person and nothing makes sense and all you know is that you miss him. It is a very dangerous kind of love and can be very deadly. This kind of love is not of God and will drive us crazy if we do not get out of this relationship. We cannot allow it to control us, we have to control it for it is deadly. I have said to myself over and over why? But I do know after coming out of a long bitter/sweet marriage that I was vunerable and lonely and this smooth snake just slipped right into my life with lies of deceipt. I had always lived a good life with my ex- hubby and sons, we were a very loving and supported family. We always had love, respect and honor for each other. So I was naive to ever trust someone like my hubby now and I have paid dearly for my mistake and choice I made on my own without listening to God first. All of my family and friends would say why do you let him do these horrible things to you and forgive him and stay with him. I would say well I guess I keep looking for the person I fell in love with and hoping and praying he will change and see my love is real and want to be good to me. So I know deep down I can never ever change him but I can pray for him and only God can change someones heart of stone. To many things in a persons lifetime makes them who they are and when we meet them we do not see their history of abusement and all of their faults. Would be nice if we could watch a film on the person we are about to get involved with from the time they were born to now and then we would know for sure if we wanted to take on this kind of abuse and torture. So many people who come from a dysfunctional family learn at a early age how to hide their feelings and so in the process they become little actors who put on fronts and smile a lot and act like they care when in true reality they are hurt and screaming for help because they cannot help themselves. So when these people who are hurting so bad inside meet someone nice and has so much love to give then they want so badly to be like this for themselves and so they tell us all of the things we want to hear while they slowly take our idenity, and rob us of who we were before we met them.

Very dangerous love and I know now we should always know of someones family, background, work history, school history, police record, church activities, what kind of friends they have, and get to know them very good before we ever make any commitment to them. I will never ever be in another relationship of abuse once I get myself completely out of this one because to me I know true love of the best kind and this crazy love is of satan not of Gods love. My first marriage was of true love, honor and respect. When a good relationship starts to show signs of disrespect, and honor then it is time to get out of the frying pan. I can honestly say at one time I hated my hubby so much for all of the pain and hell he has done to me but one thing I had to come to terms with is that I myself allowed him to hurt me. I allowed this love to happen so now I must also put a water hose on this kind of burning love and kill it for once and all. I demand my self respect back and my life back that I allowed him to take from me but no more for to much pain, tears, and sleepless nights of agony burning with anger and hate for him. You too one day will say I have had enough and be strong enough to finally say I want my life back and have the strength and courage it takes to get away from this dangerous kind of love.

We put ourselves through hell for the ones we love until we get tired of being burnt and we finally have enough and move on.

It is like a contagious desease we have and like we cannot get the other persons blood of desease out of our mind and bodies.

I know myself, that after a while by much discipline and self control...knowing the only way for me to heal and get well is to get this person out of my mind and body and saying No to him over and over when he wants me back. So for me the strength can only come from God for myself alone I am not this strong and need strength, courage and help from God. It came to me in litttle doses at first and then after seven years I know now that God has strengthen me to go on without this person who has only caused me shame, pain and sorrow.

Just know you are not alone and just like me you too deserve better and you can get better once you end this kind of love but it will take a lot of courage, and strength with discipline to not give into those little moments when you say I have got to see him again. I have to keep my mind and self busy and keep him off of my mind and then as time goes by it gets easier and you realize one day and say Hey what was I thinking to ever have loved someone like him. So now I just laugh at myself and am very grateful that God opened up my eyes to see the big picture and realized that this kind of love is a dead end street. And little by little have I gained my courage back and my self esteemn to know this too shall pass and if I have learned anything and that is that all people can fool us and we have to always put God first in all of our decisions and God will not lead us wrong. It is hard to understand what I am saying right now because you are where I used to be and I was letting the enemy play with my emotions and feelings until one day I started fighting back for my life again, and realized that I will never change this person so I must help muself and get away from him. So now I have a plan and that is to get well and take care of "ME" and realized that it is very dangerous when we allow ourselves to feel sorry for someone and it costs us our life in the process. So now as I get well I never go into the enemy territory of argueing with him and just say to him God says we are not to argue and if you must then leave now. So no longer do I fight him with words of hate and fire but now I just give it to God and pray for him and it is amazing how good this works. He hollers loud and I just look at him and say to him do you feel better now, and does this make you feel all powerful and strong to try and kill me with words of hate and evil. I say go ahead and get out now and never come back and he shuts up. I say I will never get caught in your tornnada again and I am better then you cause I am of truth not lies, and my love is way to sweet for you. I have lived in this marriage for almost four years and the relationship seven years. But I know that God has plans for me and it is not to waste my life away here unless he continues to get better. He does read his bible with me and I can see he is trying to control his ugly self because I no longer will be a part of his distruction and live in hell with him. So only time will tell but I never accept any abuse from him anyonre because I tell him to cool off and get out or I leave for a while. But neither one of us drink alcohol and I can only imagine how bad it must get when the other person is drinking. First thing anyone has to learn is why? Is it because of love, or fear, or being alone? You must be able to take care of yourself to know this answer.

This is long but believe me I know exactly what you are saying and no it does not make sense how we can love our enemy.

Take care and sending my love, hugs and prayers.

Love MaggieSunshine

Hun, I'm sorry that I haven't replied sooner but how you are feeling towards him, is exactly how I feel towards my husband. In Feb. we will be married 11 yrs, we have been seperated the last 3 1/2yrs. But not until this year did I finally try and put a stop to things. It has been really difficult for me b/c I still do love him. (I think I've told you all this before,sorry). I really wish I knew what to say to you to help you thru this and feel better. I do know that you are a very strong woman and you will grow stronger with each passing day. Our dear friend Maggie said it best I wish you all the very best with you surgery . I will always keep you in my thoughts and prayers I don't know if you have it or not but my im's are

nuttytammysue@hotmail, and [email protected]. (my yahoo always shows invisible/offline). Hugs~T

Hun, there are days when I feel like I can accomplish anything and then there are days when I don't even want to get out of bed. When it comes to randy........well.........I realized, like you, I have such a difficult time b/c I do love him(still). I have spent more years than not, trying to figure out how to fix things in hoping to make them better and jumping thru hoops. It is a viscous(sp) cycle of one minute they love you and then next they don't. And it won't stop unless they want to change things themselves. I've learned a very hard way that it is not my fault and they were not my choses. It still hurts like heck and it will take time. But I truely believe that we are alot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Just try to take things one day at a time(even one minute at a time if you have to). Start doing more for you to make yourself happy. You are beautiful hun and you will find some one who will treat you really good and make you happy. It takes time but you will get to that point. Hope today is a better one for you Thinking of you and sending prayers~T

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