A tomb lies in unhallowed ground
Midst long dead bodies, can be found
an ancient coffin, this the home
of Dracula, the Vampire gnome
Said Drac to Igor "I must send
you for supplies, my faithful friend.
I've not had a good meal this week
a pint of 'O neg's what I seek

 

It's light outside so I can't go
or else I'll surely start to glow
and I can't say that I am fussed
at ending up a pile of dust"
So off went Igor to the town
but left the blood bank spirits down
The bank clerk told him, full of scorn
"Hard luck, your masters overdrawn"

 

"All vamps must know our charges suck
and dracula is down on his luck
the only way he'll get some blood
is sending virgins by the flood"
So Igor trudged back to the crypt
foresaw a temper tantrum tripped
Dracs statements came with added wreath
and 'Fangs'r'us' mortgaged his teeth

 

Drac took the news with much good grace
by smashing Igor in the face
for he'd become a nervous wreck
at thoughts of biting a real neck
so starving, weak and under par,
to find a friendly jugular
he ventured out into the night
though looking quite a dreadful sight

 

Disshevelled dress suit, sticky tape
was all that held a faded cape
and it's quite hard to look well groomed
with no reflection, a soul doomed
to a complexion from the grave
and no chance of a proper shave
some dental work was needed too
for two inch fangs badly askew

 

he wandered out to darkened street
intent to find a worthwhile treat
first course, a foolish sewer rat
and then a tasty vampire bat
He craved a human, looked around
and from nearby there came a sound
emerging out of shadows murky
a buxom lass to make him perky

 

She looked down at his four foot frame
said "Hi, I'm Sarah. Whats your name?"
Drac craned his head and thought 'oh heck'
I'm never gonna reach that neck'
Oblivious to Dracs dark mind
she gazed at him and said he'd find
it easier to talk to her
sat on a step if he'd prefer

 

By now Draculas thoughts had turned
and so no longer hunger burned
His long dead heart began to lift
Could this be love? that rarest gift?
T'was on a step neath a gas lamp
that Drac explained he was a Vamp
he feared it was a huge mistake
and he'd die by a hearty stake

 

But Sarah simply smiled and gazed
at Dracula, seemed quite unfazed
"I can give you eternal life
if you'd consent to be my wife"
Lovestruck, said Sarah "I'll not quibble
I'll gladly let you have a nibble
but you must not bite all the way
leave that untill our wedding day

 

A few weeks on the pair were wed
one lanky maid, one gnome undead
No banns read out, a pagan church
a demon vicar name of lurch
the pageboys were a handsome pair
with rotting flesh and matted hair
the best man looked extremely fit
like Addams Family cousin itt

 

That night Drac took Sarah to bed
and promptly made her an undead
her jugular his fangs did sever
sunset, she rose, undead forever
they live now on the edge of town
with his, hers coffins, none up two down
the churchyard rings with Dracs kids laughter
they'll undie happily ever after

 

the end