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Andy McScab - Newsletter No 1

Had a call from Brano the other day to help in the search of Magdalena McScam, he’s convinced she is being held in Morocco, although knowing Dicky, he’s very likely launching a cut-price route down here in the New Year and is taking the opportunity of a bit of free publicity. He believes she’s been abducted on the orders of a rich Arab family; sounds to me as though he’s been on the Peruvian Marching Powder!

So far we have had three calls to the international phone hotline, the only problem being that we were giving it some big licks in the bar at the time, so the sightings were left on the answer phone. Yes, you’ve guessed, the whole tape got wiped clean in a drunken stupor when we tried to play it back. Best for Brano not to be told this me thinks.

They only way around it was to wait for the British papers to be delivered down here. The gist was that a blonde-haired, blue-eyed youngster was seen with a 60-year-old Arab woman. The depths some people will go to just to collect a reward. Brano thinks Magdalena was snatched to order from Praia da Luz, on May 3rd by a people trafficking gang…Jackanory…Jackanory…Jackanory.

Last night we had Carlos Anjos of the PJ call us up wanting to know what we were doing in Morocco. Well, I thought it best not to mention the protracted holiday, swimming pools, sightseeing and all night benders, so decided to play it by the book; following up leads, searching ramshackle houses, and interviewing local Ragheads, in short, leaving no stone unturned. It seemed to satisfy him for the time being, but asked to be kept in the loop (whatever the f*ck that is).

Mitch had the ‘artist’s�?impression faxed down to us of the bloke with the bundle. ‘Artist�? he should be done under the Trade Descriptions Act. Whoever did the sketch must have been p*ssed at the time, my daughter could have done better and she’s only in Year 5!

The hotel Les Jardines, down here in Marrakesh, is not too bad. We are in the Diplomatic Suite, which I thought added a certain irony, being that diplomacy has never been high on the list of The Regiment. Keith reckons that the hotel is named after a French bloke called Les, I don’t buy it myself, bit too obvious. Keith's from Manchester, so therfore not too bright. He’s getting his family and friends to ring the international hotline with different sightings all over the globe, although who ever came up with the ludicrous idea of seeing her outside T K Maxx in the Arndale Centre needed shooting; must be a Man U fan!

Well, better get back to the Hotline, some nutter will call later today, you mark my words!
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I always laugh when I remember some poster asking if Gerry and Kate knew the difference between PayPal and Papal, prior to their visit to the Vatican!