| “PJ's at FSS for the last 1hr 1/2�?
It’s because a Forensic Science Jumble Sale has been arranged to raise more funds for Gerry and Kate.
Items for sale include:
1 bag of clothing found at the airport (contents unspecified)
1 blanket (never used)
1 pair of Tanner’s spectacles (never used)
1 pair of luminous ‘Eyehore�?pyjamas (can be seen from 120m away)
1 camera (faulty timing device)
1 Bible (only 2 pages missing)
1 Diary (all pages either scribbled on, torn or missing)
1 bottle of perfume (‘The Scent of Death�?
2 ‘Cuddle Cats�?(1 old called ‘CC�? 1 new called ‘Mohammed�?
1 washing machine (worn out)
1 window shutter (unbroken)
1 fridge (two cold, frosty owners)
1 bag of dirty nappies (NOT leak proof ‘Pampers�?
1 bag of rotting meat (well, turkeys may be scarce this Christmas)
5000 red herrings (all overcooked)
1 phrase book (containing only 3 words �?‘ludicrous�? ‘hurtful�?and ‘unhelpful�?
500 sets of matching his/her co-ordinated outfits (only sold as sets �?no divorced items)
1 complete SAS outfit (can be exchanged for 1 ‘Action Man�?figure)
1 ton of Madeleine’s favourite cuddly toy (Auntie Phil)
100,000,000,000 wrist bands (can be exchanged for 2 pairs of handcuffs)
1 well used tennis racket (no good for ‘serving time�?
[NB 1 forensic manual ‘Leaving No Stone Unturned�?(sorry, item no longer available - stolen by someone in the FSS]
SO WHY NOT HURRY ALONG NOW TO THE ‘FSS CAR BOOT SOIL�?
(All items going cheap �?except for Cuddle Cat which goes ‘meow�?
From Spudgun That Policia Judiciaria Apology to the UK in FULL
On behalf of the entire Policia Judiciaria, may I take this opportunity to deeply and most sincerely apologise to the esteemed peoples of the United Kingdom for ever daring to give consideration to the possibility that Saint Gerry and Kate McCann, Patron Saints of Rothley, could ever have been responsible for the disappearance of their daughter, Madeleine.
We now realise our own despicable ineptitude, inabilities and incompetence in failing to resolve this case, for which we feel intense shame.
It should have been obvious to even the most imbecilic of police forces that, upon arrival at the Mark warner holiday complex and having the parents explain how the shutters to their apartment had been forced and smashed open, their doors unlocked, their versions of events and statements wildly differing, that Madeleine was clearly abducted.
The fact that their entire party of friends and colleagues had marched, charged and ventured all over the apartment, destroying any possible evidence of what took place there is irrelevant and is a damning indictment on our useless forensics department.
It is now abundantly clear to us that we should have immediately released a description of the prime suspect, as described in perfect detail, by Jane Tanner, instead of waiting for the Right Honourable Gordon Brown to insist that we do so 3 weeks after the event and after our useless scene of crime officers had dismissed it as being entirely fictitious on the grounds that not only did two other witnesses NOT see the abductor, but they didn’t see Jane Tanner either.
As for those English Cadaver dogs that apparently scented ‘Death’on the garments and accessories of Mrs. McCann, we can only reiterate that it is easy for such matters to become confused during the translation process. We now fully understand that ‘Eau du Corpse�?is, in fact, a latest designer perfume from France, specifically designed for wear by professional women who come into contact with an inordinately high number of cadavers during the course of a typical working week.
And those DNA test results from your Birmingham FSS Forensic services? We now fully accept that although they represent a partial match to Madeleine, stated as 88% from one source, to a 100% ‘non transferable�?match as quoted on SKY, FOX and CBS news, they are equally likely to have been derived from a partially decaying packet of Walls Pork sausages.
As for all those other allegations, ‘leaks�?inaccuracies and ‘unhelpful speculation�?that has appeared in our press since May, apportioning blame on to the McCanns, I can assure you that they have collectively hung their heads in shame and are working tirelessly to match those standards set by those Holy Grails of informative Press, the ‘SUN�? ‘DAILY MAIL�? ‘DAILY EXPRESS�?and the ‘MIRROR�?
It remains for me only to say that we will gladly donate the entirety of our pension funds, as issued on our imminent dismissal from the force for our incompetence, to the ‘Madeleine McCann Fund�?so that Mr and Mrs McCann can continue their tireless search for their daughter and for the truth, and to travel in order to bring compassion, understanding and education about the dangers of evil Predators to the world.
Either that or to pay for their Mortgage and future Holidays for the next12 years.
We shall also insist on a Nationwide collection towards the fund from the citizens of Portugal. Including those who took a week off work to scurry around on their hands on knees to search through the dirt with their bare hands for clues. These ‘Bumpkins�?must also suffer the consequences of their countries failings.
We can only hope that our replacements will take up the gauntlet of Justice and pursue this case, sifting through the miriad of Sex offenders that dwell on every street corner and home in Portuga in order to establish the real culprit and ensure that he faces Justice. Either that or enlist him into the PJ alongside all the other paedophiles and woman beaters.
I, myself, am now off to apply to join Metodo 3, where their respective efforts have done more to unearth the real truth of this mystery than any other efforts here in Portugal.
Yours,
Senor S. Muncher Bron 
(Justice for Madeleine)
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