A TEARFUL Kate McCann talks tonight about how she is tormented by "if onlys" over the disappearance of Maddie.

An emotional Kate, 40, reveals for the first time how she and husband Gerry had planned to have a family dinner on the night their daughter vanished.

But a last-minute change of plan led them to leave her and her twin sister and brother alone in their holiday apartment in Portugal.

In an extraordinary ITV1 documentary, made to mark the anniversary of Maddie’s disappearance, Kate and husband Gerry, 39, speak as never before about that fateful night.

HER face crumpled in despair, tears streaming down, Kate McCann lays bare her utter grief at being separated from her daughter.

Speaking as never before, Kate says she cannot believe it has been a year since Maddie went missing.

And she tells how seeing the little girl’s best friend in their home village makes her think about how much Maddie must have changed in those long 12 months.

Her voice close to breaking, she says: "I see Madeleine’s best friend from time to time.

"I can’t help but wonder what Madeleine would be like.

"Would she be that much taller? Is her hair as long as that? Would she be writing her name too?"

Always referring to Maddie, who is five in May, in the present tense, she describes her as "very loving. She’s a very bright little girl.

"I had days when I’d go to a cafe with Madeleine and we’d go shopping together and she’d say, ‘Oh mummy, I like that top,�?or ‘Oh, I love your earrings, mummy�?

"She’s good company, she’s like my �?you know, she’s like a little buddy to me."

In tonight’s ITV1 documentary, Madeleine, One Year On: Campaign For Change, the McCanns are seen sitting down to a happy family meal while three-year-old twins Sean and Amelie chatter away excitedly.

Later, Kate tells how, when she first returned home from Portugal, she couldn’t bear "everyday things".

She says: "I didn’t cook a meal �?just couldn’t do it. I resented things like that because it was taking me away from Madeleine.

"How can I hang up washing when my daughter’s not here?"

Poignantly, she adds: "With three kids, there’s always lots of washing," and says that having to get up to deal with the twins helps her cope with Maddie being missing.

She points out: "They need a happy normal life."

Talking about life without Maddie, who he describes as "endless joy", dad Gerry says it is "a purgatory-type existence. We are kind of between something real and never finding out." He adds sadly: "Our little girl wasn’t even four and is now nearly five. She’s the victim and people should not forget that."

Much of tonight’s documentary was filmed at the McCanns�?home in Rothley, Leicestershire.

Poignantly, as the TV programme shows, there are reminders of Madeleine everywhere.

Photos of her are plastered on the fridge, drawings she did at nursery are stuck to kitchen units and her name is spelt out in wooden letters on a mantelpiece.

The twins are seen noisily playing in a playroom which is littered with Maddie’s things, including a toy kitchen and pink pram.

Their gleeful laughter fills the house, and, watching them play, Kate smiles at the memory of Maddie joining in the fun.

"Even when they were born, you know she just stepped into the role really well, considering she was only 20 months when they were born, and she wanted to be involved and help. As they got a little bit older, because the age difference was so close, they just played so well together."

Her voice trailing away as she wipes away tears, Kate adds: "And it was lovely seeing them together and that’s one thing that I struggle with �?imagining how they would be now."

Talking about the night when Maddie went missing Kate tells for the first time how she and husband Gerry had planned to dine with the children.

She says: "We were all going to go up to the Millennium restaurant again. That was with the kids, which is what we did the first night.

"It didn’t open till half past six in the evening and our kids usually go to bed around seven, so they were really tired."

Talking about why they had changed their minds, she says that, on the first visit, "we ended up trying to carry three of them between two and we decided we couldn’t do that, really.

"It was just because the walk was so long and we didn’t have a buggy and the kids were tired by that time."

So, instead, the McCanns decided to dine at a tapas bar just across from their holiday apartment. They left the kids alone, checking on them every 20 minutes.

Talking about the much-criticised decision to leave her children alone, Kate says: "I think if there’d even been one second when someone had said, ‘Do you think it’s going to be OK?�? it wouldn’t have happened.

Tears ... Kate McCann

"I mean, there’s absolutely no way, if I’d have had the slightest inkling that there was risk involved there, that I’d have done it."

Gerry adds: "It was so close. It didn’t feel that different to dining out in the back garden."

Kate now admits that she is tormented by the fact they left their children alone.

And she also feels guilty that they did not question Maddie further about a curious remark she made on the morning of the day she went missing.

She says the little girl had asked her, "Mummy, where were you last night when me and Sean were crying?"

The McCanns are convinced now that their daughter may have been woken up by an intruder for her to have said what she did the next morning.

Wringing her hands, Kate says: "You know, I’ve persecuted myself over and over again about that statement because you think, why didn’t I kind of just hold her and say, ‘What do you mean? What do you mean you woke up?�?

"I do go back and it does upset you and you think, why didn’t I say, ‘Why did you cry?�?�?and why didn’t we go back to the Millennium?"

Breaking down in tears, she adds: "Then, as Gerry said, there is the guilt you feel for not being there and giving someone that opportunity.

"But then I just have to kind of reel myself in and think, ‘I know how much I love Madeleine and I have no doubt that Madeleine knows how much I love her�?"

It was Kate’s turn to check on the children �?at around 10pm �?when she discovered that Maddie had vanished.

She breaks down again as she recalls that moment, adding: "I just remember saying, ‘Not Madeleine, not Madeleine, not Madeleine�?�?and I remember saying that over and over again."

Maddie ... 'Gerry loved this pic'

Kate admits she "just feared the worst at the beginning".

She says: "It was really cold. I knew what pyjamas she had on and I just thought she’s going to be freezing.

"And it was dark, and every minute seemed like an hour and, obviously, we were up all night and just waited for that first bit of light about six o’clock in the morning."

Gerry says: "Then we just went out searching, the two of us, at daylight. We were saying over and over again, ‘Just let her be found, let her be found�?

"It felt like you’re in the middle of a horror movie, really, a nightmare."

At times during the documentary the couple’s tears turn to anger at the way the Portuguese police have handled their daughter’s disappearance.

Talking about the moment she learnt she and Gerry had been made arguidos �?official suspects �?Kate says: "As soon as I realised the story, or theory, was that Madeleine was dead and that we’d been involved somehow, it just hit home.

"They haven’t been looking for Madeleine. I was angry, you know. And I thought she deserves so much better than that, and I thought I’m not going to sit here and allow this.

"I felt almost invincible at that point. I just thought my children deserve that �?Madeleine deserves that.

"Someone has to be fighting for Madeleine.

"When I was going in to become an arguido I felt angry. I wasn’t scared. I felt like I was going to fight the world, to be honest.

"My daughter was worth more than all that and I would do whatever it took to fight for justice and truth."

Gerry ... nightmare

For Kate and Gerry the picture of a happy three-year-old clutching a bundle of tennis balls evokes a carefree time before they became household names.

Speaking in the documentary about the now-famous photograph, Kate says: "Gerry loves that photo.

"As part of the kids�?club, they did mini-tennis and she really enjoyed it."

Gerry smiles and adds: "One of the tasks was to gather all the balls up and she’d obviously managed to get three in and she turned round to Kate and she’s like, ‘Look, I’ve got them all�?"

He also speaks about the moment the last known picture of Madeleine was taken.

It shows her sitting alongside her father and her younger brother Sean, dangling their feet in the swimming pool, just seven hours before her disappearance.

Gerry says: "She was a little person becoming independent and a piece of just endless joy."

Apart from the twins, the couple have been kept going in recent months by their involvement in the US-style Amber Alert system to keep children safe.

They have recently been to Brussels to ask the European Parliament to adopt a similar scheme across Europe.

At one stage in the documentary they are seen meeting Ed Smart in America.

His daughter Elizabeth was found alive eight months after she was abducted.

He tells the McCanns firmly: "Miracles do happen."

Mantelpiece ... reminder

As the first anniversary of Maddie’s disappearance dawns, Kate admits that she cannot imagine living with never knowing what happened to her daughter.

And she says firmly that she and Gerry will never give up searching for her.

At one stage she is seen reading a story in The Sun about a sighting of Maddie in France.

She says: "There’s always that little bit of hope �?thinking, ‘Where is she?�?and ‘Is it ever going to be one of those sightings that’s the real thing?�?"

Her voice trembling, Kate says at the end of the documentary: "She’s out there. We’ve just got to find her.

"It doesn’t feel like a year since I saw Madeleine.

"She’s just so much, very much still there and she doesn’t seem so far away.

"It feels like she’s still with me in some way and I’ve never felt like I won’t see her again."

THE events of the night Maddie disappeared have divided the nation.

Many people feel enormous sympathy over the McCanns�?loss, others feel anger that Gerry and Kate left their daughter and her siblings while they went out.

Here two very different voices of The Sun give their views.

'They deserve sympathy, not condemnation'

By LORRAINE KELLY

I BELIEVE Kate and Gerry McCann are guilty of just one thing and that’s being stupid enough to leave their three little kids alone on the night Madeleine vanished.

The idea, however, that this devastated couple have anything to do with their daughter’s disappearance is utterly absurd and has made their grief and sorrow even harder to bear.

The McCanns have moved heaven and earth trying to find Madeleine.

They have tried to remain dignified even when the Portuguese police and media spattered them with smears and false rumours, and when they have even been accused of murdering their own child.

Lorraine Kelly ... shocked

They have been at the mercy of cranks and deluded "mystics" who claim to know where their daughter is and have had to follow up every lead even when they knew deep down it was hopeless.

It has been a year of sheer hell and utter despair for the McCanns. Anyone looking at bone-thin Kate, her face etched with sorrow, and Gerry trying to hold himself together but unable to talk about his daughter without his voice breaking, can surely see how much this couple are suffering.

They have to try to have some sort of normal life for their twins and there might even be some brief moments during the day when they forget what has happened to their little girl, but her disappearance will be the first thing they think about when they wake up in the morning and the last thing they think about when they try to get to sleep at night.

Like having good health, peace of mind is only really appreciated when you no longer have it, and the McCanns have had no peace of mind for almost an entire year and will have tortured themselves with guilt and "if onlys".

I was shocked to discover last month that Madeleine had asked her mum and dad why she had been left alone and crying the night before she vanished. I found that utterly chilling and it must haunt Kate and Gerry.

Hopeful

Since my daughter Rosie was a baby, she has always come everywhere with us when we go on holiday, especially to child-friendly countries such as Portugal, Spain and Greece.

We wouldn’t have dreamed about leaving her behind to go for a meal because we go away to spend as much time as possible together as a family.

The posters at the airports and in bars and cafes in Spain and Portugal are looking tatty and many have been taken down.

It pains me to even think it, but realistically the chances of finding Madeleine alive after almost a year are non-existent and in recent months they have both admitted she might be dead, but they continue to remain hopeful.

This is despite all leads leading exactly nowhere.

No one knows if their little girl has been murdered, abducted to order or snatched by an opportunist with dark motives. I am sure the McCanns have tortured themselves with every possible gruesome and heartbreaking scenario.

Deserted ... tourists have stayed away from resort

The McCanns have been vilified for using the media to find Maddie and for hiring private detectives to search for her, but if your child was missing you would move heaven and earth to find them.

They are now trying to channel their energies into establishing a Europe-wide network to track down children who have been abducted, similar to the Amber Alert system in the United States. When a child goes missing there, messages are played on radio, TV and flashed on motorway signs, and it has helped to find hundreds of missing kids.

France and Belgium already have their own Amber Alerts, but Kate and Gerry want this to be the law throughout Europe.

They made an appalling and tragic error of judgment and no one knows that more than they do. They have been punished for their stupidity and thoughtlessness in the worst possible way. No one with any compassion could possibly want them to suffer more than they have done.