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| | | From: sammitch (Original Message) | Sent: 7/12/2007 8:22 PM |
If You've Heard Something Funny, Share It Here! (it's been proven that everyone should laugh at least once a day!) | | | | | | | |
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Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my beloved dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Since I thought that was kind of a stupid question, I thought I'd have some fun. I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I then said that I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time I tried it. I told her that I'd lost 50 pounds on the diet, but then I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I explained that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no- I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! |
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Dear IRS, Enclosed is my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. |
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One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and was able
to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in
about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and
the intelligence...to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, �?/FONT>Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.' |
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WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!" "Nonsense," the doctor said". "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted."????? ?"This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? "
The man seemed a bit ashamed . "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
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Black Testicles A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" |
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