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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Financial expert say that we are entering a new chapter in the financial markets . . . yeah, Chapter 11. ● To give you an idea how bad the economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. ● Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain's economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama's plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. ● Barack Obama held a fundraiser last week - $28,500 a plate. For that you got gourmet food and Barbra Streisand singing. At Ralph Nader's fundraiser last week? Double Stuf Oreos and that guy who sang "Who Let the Dogs Out."
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Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● This week at the White House, President Bush hosted the final state dinner of his presidency. Which explains why the first lady finally let him wear his Burger King crown. ● Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born that they've named a beer after him. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall cold Barackelob Light. ● The group Moveon.org has called on John McCain to release all his medical records. In response, McCain told them, "Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself?" ● Cuba announced that they're going to team up with Russia to build a Cuban space program. The country's current space program consists of Cubans trying to swim to the moon.
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● Donald Trump called in to the "Larry King" show the other night. He said he was voting for John McCain. So what, I say. ● I have no idea what that thing on his head is voting for. ● The Emmys are Sunday. All the people on TV will spend the weekend getting facials, waxing, getting manicures, preparing their push-up bras . . . and the women go even further.
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Jimmy Kimmel Live! ● It's the baseball playoffs. It isn't easy being a Mets fan. We've had a lot of ups and downs, and this season is no exception. What we do is, we drink. We drink until we pass out. ● Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banks. One expert said it cost Americans $1 trillion dollars. To give you an idea of how much that is, 10 Bill Gateses and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars. ● How it's going to be handed out is still unclear. All we know for sure is that it's a trillion dollars, and it's going to be hosted by Howie Mandel. ● According to a new survey, more Americans would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50-47 percent. Mostly because McCain has to get up every 10 minutes to go to the bathroom. |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● The Senate passed the bailout bill last night. They say one of the reasons the new bill was passed was because lawmakers stopped calling the bill a bailout and started calling it a “rescue” bill. I’m sorry — isn’t that called putting lipstick on a pig? ● With the new provisions, it’s now going to cost $800 billion. We should have signed it two days ago when it was just $700 billion. ● According to a recent poll, 61 percent of people surveyed said they’d rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Andersen. Although 99 percent said they’d rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president. ● They’ve just come out with a Joe Biden doll. Apparently the hair is so unrealistic, it looks just like him.
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Late Show Top Ten Top Ten Surprises in the Vice Presidential Debate 10. First question for Palin: "Why in the hell do you keep agreeing to talk to Katie Couric?"
9. As a welcome to the candidates, St. Louis constructed a special "arch to nowhere"
8. To even the playing field, Biden wore stilettos
7. A confused John McCain kept stumbling onstage asking where he was
6. Most of discussion was what to do about the Mets
5. Palin bore a striking resemblance to Mitt Romney in a wig
4. Only thing the candidates agreed on? "The Late Show Fun Facts" book: 240 pages of jam-packed hilarity!
3. Biden's insistence that from his house in Delaware he can see Russia
2. You could hear Hillary's muffled screams from the parking lot
1. Palin mentioned bombing Iran, Pakistan, and Tina Fey
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Late Show with David Letterman ● The economy is so bad, today Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker. ● The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. It just doesn’t seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashana. ● Last night, in the interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin said she can’t name a Supreme Court ruling she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord. ● She did say she objected to several of Paula Abdul’s rulings on “American Idol.”
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Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● Political experts say that to succeed in tonight’s debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she’s really troubled by John McCain’s choice for vice president. ● Now, there is a lot on the line in tonight’s debate. Political experts say that one mistake by Sarah Palin tonight could be crushing to John McCain’s campaign. However, they say 20 or 30 mistakes by Palin could be really funny. ● People are still talking about Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Apparently Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese. ● Larry Flynt announced he’s making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive; Barack Obama called it inappropriate, and Bill Clinton said he’ll reserve judgment until he sees the film.
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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● The debate tonight is very important for Sarah Palin. Ratings are probably huge cause she’s like a celebrity; everyone wants to see what Sarah Palin does. Nobody watched the debate to see Joe Biden. Come on — that's like watching porno to see the guy. ● Barack Obama is a bit of celebrity as well. People say that’s why he breaks the fundraising records. But John McCain breaks records, too. Usually the vinyl records that he forces into his CD player. ● Election infection is spreading across Hollywood, like pilates and Kabbalah and everything. There is a new public service announcement — a bunch of celebrities are urging people to vote. I can’t show you it; it’s like five hours long. ● Everyone is in it — Leo Dicaprio is in it; Ashton Kutcher is in it; Ashton Kutcher’s mom is in it [picture of Demi Moore].
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Jimmy Kimmel Live! ● The vice presidential debate was tonight. It’s not too late, by the way, to text in your votes. I voted four times for Palin and six times for David Archuleta. ● Before the debate, Joe Biden’s team said his strategy would be to avoid attacking Sarah Palin directly, and instead focus on linking McCain to President Bush. Palin’s people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, and flush him out into an open area and go for a clean shot through the lungs. ● They don’t want to mess with the head; that’s the trophy. ● The big question is, With Sarah Palin yammering it up with Joe Biden in Saint Louis, who’s keeping an eye on the Russians? |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Political analysts who watched the debate last night said there were no losers — other than gay people who want to get married. ● Both parties are spinning it. Republicans are saying, Oh Joe Biden got beaten by a girl. Democrats are screaming elderly abuse. ● They determined who got the first question by a coin toss. To which Sarah Palin said, “What a coincidence — that’s how I was picked.” ● It was a thrill for Joe Biden. He got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929. Late Show Top Ten Top Ten Messages Left On Sarah Palin's Answering Machine 10. "Hi, it's John McCain; I had to go to bed. How'd it go?"
9. "Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?"
8. "Hi, it's Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd's out of town"
7. "My name is Joseph Sixpack — knock it off"
6. "Hi, Katie Couric again — think of any newspapers yet?"
5. "Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's a bridge to hilarity"
4. "John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?"
3. "Senator Larry Craig here — do you have Joe Biden's phone number?"
2. "McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?"
1. "It's President Bush. If you're at the debate, who's watchin' Russia?" Late Show with David Letterman ● Washington just approved a rescue plan for the Cubs. ● The bailout plan has passed. Here’s the deal: It went from $700 billion, to $800 billion. If it costs the taxpayer more, then Congress will vote for it. ● At the vice presidential debate, they’re saying that Sarah Palin did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes. And I’m thinking, “Well, what fun was that?” ● Before the debate, Sarah Palin goes up to Sen. Biden and says, “Do you mind if I call you Joe?” And he says, “Do you mind if I call you smokin’ hot?” Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● Last night’s vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie "Fargo.” ● Today, President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill, but he said that our economy continues to face serious challenges. Bush said he thought those challenges could be overcome as soon he leaves office in two months. ● Yesterday Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech and said that California is running out of money and might need an emergency loan of $7 billion. Or he could have been ordering a sandwich; we have no idea. ● The other night in Milwaukee, a brawl broke out among people leaving a Celine Dion concert. Apparently, the people leaving early were in the way of the people trying to leave really early. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● The race is heating up, now. During an interview, John McCain said that he is not a rich man. Which is true — at least two of his seven houses are in kind of so-so neighborhoods. ● Several Republicans have come out and said that Sarah Palin is too uninformed to be the vice president. I think they might have a point, because before the debate, she went sightseeing and saw the St. Louis Arch and said, “Who put up that huge McDonald’s sign?” ● Hustler is producing a porn movie with a Sarah Plain lookalike. In the movie, she has sex with a Bill Clinton lookalike. I think Bill has actually volunteered to be in it. |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● According to a new survey, only 25 percent of Americans think that Sarah Palin is qualified to be president. Which sounds bad . . . but only 10 percent think Bush is qualified. ● During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Palin to describe her Achilles' heel. But instead of talking about her greatest weakness, she started talking about her greatest strength . . . . which apparently is not answering questions. ● The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part — all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs. ● The stock market’s so bad now that at closing time, instead of a bell, they play taps. Late Show Top Ten Top Ten Ways to Make the Financial Crisis More Fun 10. Take a page from President Bush and ignore it
9. When Dow Jones drops more than 800 points, every American gets free mozzarella stix at Applebee's
8. Replace Lehman Brothers with the Wayans Brothers
7. File for bankruptcy three times and the fourth one is free!
6. Invest half your portfolio in liquor, the other half in strippers
5. Goodbye repo men, hello repo monkeys
4. Don't call it a "bailout" or a "rescue," call it a "fun-nancial crisis"
3. Put it all on Ball State and give the 16 points
2. Enjoy blank stare when Katie Couric asks Sarah Palin what "FDIC" stands for
1. Hire O.J. and his goons to steal back your money
Late Show with David Letterman
● The stock market fell 800 points — thank you, bailout plan. ● The economy is going to hell, but at least we’re getting leadership from the White House. ● This just in: A backwoods hiker has just found the wreckage of John McCain’s campaign. ● John McCain has pulled out of Michigan — I guess the surge wasn’t working.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
● John McCain’s campaign has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won’t try to compete for votes there. Apparently, this is part of McCain’s strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. ● This weekend, the jury in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case found him guilty on all counts. So be careful parents — if your child experiments with double murder it could lead down the treacherous path to sports memorabilia theft. ● In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that she wants to have more children. Then someone explained to Jolie that thanks to her there are no more left. ● eBay announced that they are firing 1,600 people. On the bright side, the fired eBay employees will be allowed to bid on the contents of their desks.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
● At this point, it’s a race to see what drops faster: the stock market or John McCain’s poll numbers. ● So Sarah Palin is saying the gloves are off. Gloves off . . . usually a big mistake. Just ask O.J. Simpson. ● Stop the whiny name-calling. Americans want a president who’ll stand up and be a man. That’s why so many people were voting for Hillary Clinton |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● At the debate earlier, Barack Obama took a page from Sarah Palin’s book and walked up to John McCain and said, “May I call you old?” ● The debate took place in Nashville, Tenn., which is perfect — the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song: “I lost my girl; I lost my house . . .” ● The debate was held in “town-hall” style — which means instead of ignoring the moderator’s questions, the candidates could ignore the voters directly. ● The town-hall format is John McCain’s favorite, as opposed to Barack Obama’s favorite way — "Sermon on the Mount." Late Show Top Ten Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Bad Presidential Debate 10. It's a town hall debate, but the town is in a mountainous region of Pakistan
9. Tom Brokaw leaves early to catch 9:15 showing of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua"
8. Topics fall into the categories "Domestic Policy," "Foreign Policy," and "Burt Reynolds Films of the '70s"
7. Keep arguing about who has more friends on Facebook
6. Candidate says, "Why you hatin'?" Other responds, "Why you buggin'?"
5. It's covered by CBS, NBC, ABC, and the Howard 100 News team
4. Candidates ignore questions and gossip about which Senate pages are sluts
3. The yodeling competition
2. Disproportionate amount of questions about "The Hills"
1. It's 90 minutes of folksy phrases and winking Late Show with David Letterman ● The second presidential debate was last night. The debate got off to an awkward start when a confused John McCain asked Barack Obama, “May I call you Joe?” ● It was a “town-hall” format, meaning candidates could walk around the stage. It was pretty successful — John McCain only wandered off twice. ● McCain was walking around a little confused — he started singing “Sweet Caroline.” ● This was the second presidential debate — things are really starting to look bad for Hillary. Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● People who didn’t want to watch the presidential debate were able to switch over to watch Paris Hilton’s new reality show. In honor of the debate, tonight’s episode of Paris’ show featured Paris having sex in the "town-hall format.” ● Some of the questions for the debate were submitted by people on the Internet. When faced with the Internet questions, John McCain said he refuses to engage with wizards or warlocks. ● In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as "our neighboring country." Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto. ● President Bush gave a speech today about the economy, and he said that he believes that “anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.” Then Bush looked around the room and said, "Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?” The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● The Dow is going down faster than O.J. Simpson in prison. ● The debate was last night — McCain prepared by putting new tennis balls on his walker. ● The media treats these guys like they're too cute to question seriously — like they’re The Jonas Brothers or something. |
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Distrustful of Army chefs' culinary talents, my father quizzed the top cook at his base. How did he know when the food was ready to be served? Dad asked. "Easy," said the sergeant, glaring back.
"When it's burning, it's cooking. When it's smoking, it's done."
--Brian Hendricks |
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the
money!'
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.' A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child
replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining
the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little e boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill. '
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other,
'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad.'
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! |
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During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.
A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. "Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.
-- Allen Israel
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Tomorrow, America’s most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Afterwards, she’ll get out on the ice and skate around reporters’ question. ● Good news: she was cleared in that “troopergate” scandal. You know who cleared her? Sarah Palin. ● Before lawmakers in Alaska could release their report on the scandal, Palin’s campaign released the results of their own investigation clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Apparently, she can see the courthouse from her front porch. ● Do you remember when we had an economy? Things are so bad, when President Bush flies Ari Force One, he’s has to fly coach.
Late Show with David Letterman
● On this date in 1901, boxer shorts were invented. That may not mean much to you, but it’s sure made life comfortable for Rosie O’Donnell. ● Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton; it’s their 33rd wedding anniversary. And I thought the Iraq war was a never-ending conflict. ● Hillary is celebrating 33 years with Bill. Or as Hillary likes calls it, “the bridge to nowhere.” At least Hillary gets to have one celebration this year.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
● A town in upstate New York is being accused of being biased because they sent out absentee ballots that say “Barack Osama.” Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say, “Barack Hussein Osama.” ● Today The Washington Post compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. Mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president. ● Due to complaints, Walgreen’s drugstore has been forced to remove talking dolls of Barack Obama and John McCain. Walgreen’s was also forced to remove the real Ralph Nader from their store. ● In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said, “I’m with a man who’s evolved enough to look at my body and see it as more beautiful because of the journey it has taken and what it has created.” Then, Brad Pitt said, “Yeah, whatever.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
● This week, the National Rifle Association endorsed John McCain and Sarah Palin. Gov. Palin is a huge gun enthusiast. She is actually using a shotgun to plan daughter’s wedding. ● According to a new study this week, eight out of 10 Americans are stressed about the economy. Apparently two out of 10 Americans are in a coma. ● According to Esquire magazine, Halle Berry is the sexiest woman alive. Take that Angelina Jolie, you washed-up hag. |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Today is Columbus Day, which is why all the banks are closed. At least I think that’s why all the banks are closed . . . ● Columbus is the only guy who could close more banks than President Bush. ● Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called it the worst financial crisis since . . . the Carter administration. ● I don’t think President Bush understands the financial crisis. When asked about General Motors, he said, “I think he’s doing a fine job in Iraq.” Late Show Top Ten Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin "Troopergate" Investigation Report 10. Spent thousands of taxpayer dollars pimpin' her dog sled
9. Terminated her hairstylist after receiving a bad beehive
8. Palin claims she hasn't seen this kind of misuse of justice since Supreme Court case of . . . umm, lemme think of one
7. In her adult life has never gone more than 10 minutes without saying, "You betcha!"
6. No number 6 — writer looking for his hairbrush
5. Report's conclusion: "Hey, at least she didn't shoot a guy . . . like Cheney!"
4. Spent eight weeks in rehab for addiction to lip gloss
3. When asked to respond to charges said, "Instead of answering your question, I'm going to talk about energy"
2. Printed in extra-large font so McCain can read it
1. Palin's excuse: "It wasn't me, it was Tina Fey" Late Show with David Letterman ● President Bush says he’s going to “tweak” the bailout plan. That’s like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu. ● Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better. Well sure — in three months he’ll be out of office. ● Over the weekend, Sarah Palin went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. She dropped the puck, then she cut a hole in the ice and started fishing. ● The third presidential debate is Wednesday. John McCain says he’s going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge is working. Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● Newsweek magazine is being criticized because last week’s cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Palin says it’s the worst thing the press has done to her since that time they made her answer a question. ● This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world’s richest countries. ● Today the Pope announced that he is going to canonize the first-ever saint from India. Apparently the Indian saint performed three miracles — and fixed the Pope’s computer when his hard drive crashed. ● In a new interview, Nicole Richie said she has no plans to get married, but it could happen eventually. Then Richie said the same thing about lunch. |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Fires in Los Angeles, again. People in Hollywood don’t know how to deal with fires. Especially celebrities. When celebrities see a burning bush, they rush toward it, because they think Barack Obama’s about to speak. ● Tonight was the very last presidential debate . . . which means prayer does work. ● Hillary Clinton said on Fox News that there is no chance of her ever running for president again . . . this year. ● In an article in The Washington Post, medical experts say Joe Biden may have had Botox. You know how they could tell? His expression didn’t change when they asked him about his hair plugs.
Late Show with David Letterman
● Dick Cheney was admitted to a hospital earlier today for abnormal heart rhythm. But he’s doing fine. He’s already sitting up staring at nurses. ● He’ll be out shooting hunting buddies in no time. ● Barack Obama is going door to door for his campaign. It’s kind of a throwback. And I don’t know if he’s changed anybody’s votes, but today he came back home with a big bag of Halloween candy. ● It was a little embarrassing when he rang the doorbell at two of McCain’s houses.
- Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held, and Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. In fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, ”Get’em!" ● Yesterday in New York City, a woman gave birth to a baby at JFK airport. People at JFK were shocked because it was the first time in years they have seen an on-time arrival. ● Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie “W.,” says at first he wasn’t sure he should take the role, because it would be such an acting challenge. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
● Tonight we had the final of three debates between presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain. Instead of arguing, they disagreed to disagree. ● Obviously, McCain has a lot riding on this . . . he doesn’t have much time left . . . 10 years if he’s lucky. ● Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart to pick up diapers. Turns out Sen. McCain didn’t need them, though . . . |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● John McCain got some good news today: The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed him, saying that since he will only be a one-term president, he can do the right thing to make tough decisions. When they told him the endorsement was for only four years, McCain said, “Four years — that’s great. My doctor only gave me two.” ● Is anyone buying this whole “Joe the plumber” thing? Turns out that’s not his full name. It’s “Joe Hussein the plumber.” ● I think Republicans are relieved by this whole Joe the plumber thing — a guy who gets down on his knees in front of a toilet and is not Sen. Larry Craig. ● The economy’s in bad shape. Today I saw a pimp driving a Kia. Late Show with David Letterman ● Sen. John McCain was on the program. He kept referring to me as “that one.” ● McCain has unveiled his new campaign persona: "Fighting Underdog.” And if that doesn’t work, he’s going to be “Tyrannical Sea Captain.” And if that doesn’t work, “Fun-Loving Gaucho.” “Cruise Ship Gigolo.” “Heartless Press Agent.” ● “W.” opens today. If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, it’s the Bush family. ● I’m proud to say that I’m in “W.” I have a small part. I play the guy who gets peppered with birdshot by Dick Cheney. Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● The presidential campaign is finally winding down. It seems like forever. This campaign began in 1955. ● In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said, “I’ve been fighting for the United States since I was 17.” Then he said, “Of course, back then, it was called Pangaea.” ● This week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. The man named her Sarah Palin after he asked her to name three countries and she just stared blankly into space.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
● In less than three weeks, we will elect a new president — I am going to go out on a limb and predict that it will be either Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama. ● Or maybe two of The Jonas Brothers, who knows. ● Obama and McCain appeared together at the annual Al Smith dinner in New York City. It’s traditional for candidates to give funny speeches. Obama and McCain were both funny. McCain said, “Even in this room full of proud Democrats, I can’t shake that feeling that some are pulling for me . . . I’m delighted to see you here, tonight, Hillary.” |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Just one week left to go until the election. To give you an idea of how long this whole thing has been going on, when John McCain started, he was just 47 years old. ● Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. This is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems. ● Pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three who will actually vote for him. ● Halloween is coming up this weekend. But retailers are saying no one is going to dress up as Gov. Sarah Palin. That’s because her costume costs $150,000. Late Show Top Ten Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses For Spending $150,000 On Clothes 10. "Need to look good for the Russians who can see me in Alaska"
9. "The old man spends more on Polident"
8. "Auditioning to be Paris Hilton's BFF"
7. "Wanted to impress the American voters in the evening gown competition"
6. "Maverick, Joe the plumber, maverick, maverick, William Ayers, you betcha!"
5. "I fell for the liberal retailers' 'gotcha sales tactics'"
4. "Because the dollar is so weak, it's really like I only spent $50,000"
3. "Hmm . . . excuses? I'll find some and I'll get right back to ya!"
2. "In addition to every newspaper and magazine, I also read every catalog"
1. "The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits" Late Show with David Letterman ● Hillary Clinton turned 61 yesterday. Hillary and Bill shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch, followed by another quiet dinner . . . ● If you want to get Hillary a gift, you can’t go wrong with a gift from Bed Bath & Bitterness. ● Barack Obama is ahead in the polls. The only way he could mess up the election is if he replaced Joe Biden with Andy Dick. ● Yesterday, Sarah Palin spent the day campaigning with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, from “The View.” John McCain spent the day looking for his slippers. Late Night with Conan O'Brien ● According to a new poll, if the vote were held today, more Americans would vote for Back Obama than John McCain. The poll also shows that if the election were held today, everyone would be thrilled it was over. ● Political experts say that the only way John McCain can win next week is if John McCain can attract swing voters. Unfortunately, John McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller. ● Alaska’s largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama. Luckily for Palin, it’s one of the 500 newspapers she doesn’t read. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● Ted Stevens, the 84-year-old Alaska senator, was convicted on corruption charges. Alaska’s not just famous for hockey moms, they’ve got prison grandpas as well. ● The Anchorage Daily News, Alaska’s largest newspaper, endorsed Barack Obama. That’s another newspaper Sarah Palin will never read. ● I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market. |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● A lot of voters are taking advantage of the early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren’t sure they’ll still be alive next Tuesday. ● Financial experts are saying the economic crisis is going to cost $2.8 trillion. It’s hard for people to visualize $2.8 trillion. To put it in perspective, that’s enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year. ● Sarah Palin’s campaign made three stops today — Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale’s . . . ● Sarah Palin says that when campaigning, she doesn’t wear her wedding ring. The shape of it hurts her finger when she’s shaking hands. And Bill said to Hillary, “See? I told you! That’s why!”
Late Show with David Letterman
● Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud. Republicans are relieved — at least it didn’t involve an airport men’s room. ● Alaska officials were tipped off by Russians who were watching with binoculars. ● One week to go until the election. Down in Florida, they’re already unloading the crooked voting machines. ● The winner of next week’s election meets Hillary in the finals.
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
● Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets. ● Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. John McCain said this would be dangerous; Dick Cheney said it would be expensive; and Sarah Palin said, “There are three branches of government?” ● CNN reported that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran. ● Barack Obama is encouraging his supporters to take Election Day off so they can help him get out the vote. A lot of Americans said they were already planning to take the day off, because they don’t have a job.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
● Ted Stevens has been convicted of fraud. He allowed an oil company to pay for renovations on his house in Alaska. The oil company put in stuff you’d expect for a man his age: a little stair-lift thing and a walk-in closet for his pills. ● They also put the entire house on stilts. I don’t know why. I think he also wanted to see Russia from his house. ● Ted Stevens...he is a legendary figure up in Alaska. He has been alive longer than Alaska has been a state. ● The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They’ll have to rename it “Prisoner No. 4983 Airport.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
● Sen. Robert Byrd was in Charleston, W.Va., at a rally for Joe Biden. He got a little confused about which office Biden is running for when he introduced him as “the next president — Joe Biden!” Somebody slipped some gin in Grandpa’s cod liver oil. ● Over the weekend, Manuel Uribe, the world’s fattest man, got married in Mexico. He had to be transported to the wedding on a flatbed truck. It looked like the Mexican version of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. ● NBA season opened tonight. The excitement is palpable. Especially in New York, where Knicks fans have been practicing their booing all month long. |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud. ● Barack Obama’s 30-minute infomercial appeared on three major networks: Fox, NBC, and CBS. Of course NBC was thrilled — to be considered a major network. ● During the ad, ABC was showing “Pushing Daisies.” Which is the name of the McCain ad. ● The Democrats’ definition of the rich keeps going down: Barack said no one making under $250,000 a year will see a tax increase. Then he said no one making under $200,000 will see a tax increase. Then Joe Biden said no one making under $150,000 will see a tax increase. I think we’re going to see a tax increase. Late Show with David Letterman ● Cold here in New York City. So cold, John McCain’s teeth were
chattering . . . on the night stand. ● I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. It’s pretty hot stuff. In April, Sarah Palin is in a bikini firing a state trooper. ● They’re saying there’s some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin. Staffers suspected there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Palin as “that one.” ● They say that recently, on a campaign bus trip, John McCain actually snubbed Sarah Palin. To be fair, she was busy on the bus trip. She was shooting squirrels out the window
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
● Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. The Secret Service told the man, “Get back here, Mr. President, you have two more months." ● Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives or a BeDazzler. ● On NBC, Barack Obama’s infomercial pre-empted the new show “Knight Rider.” So Obama is not even president yet, and he’s already making America a better place." ● It was reported that Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the conservative co-host of “The View,” has been receiving death threats. This is the first time there’s been a death threat at the “The View” since Barbara Walters accidentally ate Star Jones’ lunch
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● Not a great day for Cloris Leachman — she was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. It seems that America can’t wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen. ● Today, Barack Obama hit back at the charges that he’s a socialist by joking that since he shared his toys as a child, he must be a communist. To which John McCain responded, “You had toys as child? I had to play with dinosaurs.” ● There is more political fallout today. Apparently, because of arguments over their political stances, “The View’s” Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar are no longer speaking. Two down, three to go.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
● It was infomercial night in America. Three major television networks, CBS, NBC, and Fox, along with MSNBC, Univision, TV1, and BET, joined together to take Barack Obama’s money from him. ● In an effort to catch up to Obama, McCain is digging in as hard as he can. Sarah Palin too. On the heels of the success they’ve had with Joe the plumber, they’ve been bringing in other characters. Last week they had “Richard the forest.” ● On Monday, Sarah Palin introduced the best one yet: “Tito the builder.” |
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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno ● Tonight’s the night kids go through the neighborhood asking for handouts — the same thing Wall Street did a few months ago. ● I saw the scariest costume — one kid was dressed as a 401(k). ● Two kids came together to my house. One was dressed as Mickey Mouse, while the other was dressed as an ACORN volunteer trying to register him to vote. ● Barack Obama took his kids out for Halloween . . . but he only let them take candy from households making over $250,000 a year.
Late Show with David Letterman
● Set your clocks back an hour this weekend. I’m thinking, great idea — if there’s one thing we need it’s an extra hour of 2008. ● President Bush has already set the clocks back — to 1929, thank you. ● Everyone’s getting into the Halloween spirit. The Democratic candidate changed his name to “Barack o’ Lantern.” ● I like bobbing for apples on Halloween. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, “apple-boarding.”
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
● Barack Obama made a special stop in Chicago today so he could see his daughters in their Halloween costumes. Apparently Obama’s daughters wanted to be a princess and a fairy — but he made them dress up as “hope” and “change.” ● Today on “The View,” all the hosts came dressed as U.S. presidents. The last time the ladies of “The View” did this, Star Jones dressed up as a joint session of Congress. ● It was reported today that 33 million people saw Barack Obama’s infomercial. As a result, John McCain is thinking of making one too, but his is for Craftmatic Adjustable Beds. ● Oprah Winfrey says she plans to attend Barack Obama’s election night rally in Chicago. So win or lose, Obama is going home with a new car. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● John McCain is having trouble getting crowds at his speeches. He bused in 400 school kids to fill the stands recently. It backfired though — the kids wanted to know why Santa was so angry. ● Don’t forget to turn your clocks back. It’s the end of Daylight Savings. That’s too bad — that’s all the saving most Americans have now. ● Last year for Halloween I was a banana. I actually got a job offer from Fruit of the Loom.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
● It’s Halloween. There’s a tradition that newscasters dress up for Halloween. I think it started in the ‘60s with Walter Cronkite — he dressed up in a sexy nurse costume. ● The top political costume this year is Sarah Palin. Palin’s campaign had to put out a special warning — they told the traveling press corps, “Don’t dress up as an animal. She might shoot you.” ● Sarah Palin found the cutest Little Mermaid costume at Bergdorf’s for only $8,500. It’s made out of real dolphin. ● John McCain says that Joe the plumber is his role model. He wants to take him with him if he gets into the White House. That’s not a bad idea — they’ll need someone to install safety rails on the White House toilets.
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