KSCWE Archives

*** Before reading the episode, please read this. This is a PARODY. It is meant to be stupid and pointless...it means nothing in SKCW. Everything said in here is a complete joke and nobody should take offense to any of the material. It is all stupid, well known inside jokes that we have here in SKCW. I am not actually taking a stab at anybody. We all need to laugh at ourselves sometimes, so please just take this for what it is, A JOKE. Most people love these things, and find no problems with it. Also this will be extremely vulgar. The language, actions, and references will be very dirty and distrubing, and thats really the point of this. If you are looking to read a nice story about everybody complimenting each other, then DONT READ THIS. If you can handle laughing at yourself and you can handle some of the crude humor used, then please continue, and please give me your feedback. Thanks***

EPISODE TWO

Regular Text = Normal Speaking

Bold Text = Confessional (Nobody else can hear you)

*Stars around something means it is an action or explaining something*

Random voiceover that appears to be an intoxicated Paris Hilton: LAST TIME ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

THE MODELS WERE FLIPPING OUT

*shows clip of Dave crying*

Dave: I look beautiful in the picture

*picture is revealed and Dave has a large zit on his nose that appears to have puss coming out of it*

*Steph presents the judges with naked photos*

Tyra Banks: You were supposed to take NATURAL pictures of yourselves, like perhaps by a mountain or river

Steph: ooooh I thought you meant natural like GET NAKED...which of course I have no problem doing

*Tyra Banks throws papers everywhere*

Tyra: I fucking quit

*Shows Matt tackling Tyra Banks*

Matt: Nobody uses my fucking word!!

*Tyra Banks kicks Matt in the abdomen and delivers a pedigree through the judges table*

Tyra: GET HYPE CRACKA GET HYPE

*Shows Brittany making out with one of the judges to try and secure her spot in the next round*

Intoxicated Paris Hilton: Oh wait....this isn't America's next top model

*Random screen switch to the KSCWE vs SKCW beginning which is the new Brittany Spears song. Many American's over the world throw up because the song is just that bad. The scene the switches to random cast members in the house who all look dumbfounded after that strange beginning to the show. They all soon move on and begin to Tango. Steph and Brittany are seen grinding on random guys. The cast of Smallville then awkwardly enters and start to walk away as Scott and Kaci are in hot pursuit. Natalie is seen not associating with anybody in the group.*

Jai: I'm hungry

Brandon: Of course ya'are, ya fatass!

Jai: What the hell? You're on my team jackass

Brandon: I AINT ON NOBODYS TEAM, cept mah mumma's

Mikey: Haha, Brandon has a mother!

*Everybody laughs hysterically at Brandon, not because of Mikey's joke, but just because they enjoy to insult each other*

Brittany: Brandon, I dont like that people are making fun of you...do you need to me to help ease the tension

Brandon: Look bitch I said I was done wit you before and I meant it

Brittany: Oh come on, I'm a changed girl. I occasionally wear underwear every now and then and sometimes I dont let a guy get to third base in the first 5 minutes I meet him

Brandon: Wow, you have changed...

Brittany: Well I guess. But right now I'm fucking horny as hell, so...

*Brittany removes her bra and starts to choke Brandon with it and then shoves his head between her abnormally large breasts. She then removes both of their clothes and starts to do some weird shit. At the sight of Brandon without clothes many of the cast members pass out. Nick, who was the only member out of the room because everybody else said he couldnt hang out with them, enters the room wearing The Lion King feetie pajamas and that also have a hood with lion ears on them.*

Nick: How come I've never done that with a girl? ...I've done that with my friend Billy, but never with a girl!

*Everybody awakes from the dead and laughs at Nick*

Nick: You guys are so mean! I wont stand for this! I'll kick all your asses!

*Everybody continues to laugh as Nick begins to slap them*

Mikey: Dude, is that all you got, because I'll have you know...I will own you

Jason: Mikey, shut the fuck up, you're just as bad as him

Mikey: YOU SHUT UP! I OWN YOU!

*Mikey runs out of the room with tears streaming down his face*

Jason: *under his breath* Jackass...

*Everybody begins to fight and throw things at one another, except Natalie who attempts a Sudoku puzzle*

Natalie: Why did I agree to come to this house? Everybody is insane, a complete moron, and the girls have no self respect for themselves!

*Suddenly Gary Coleman bursts through the door with a shotgun and fires several shots. One of them hits someone*

Jai: OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY GOT HIT!!

*Everybody starts crying and mourning...many start screaming WHYYYYY*

Jai: Oh wait, it was just Nick

*Everybody sighs a breath of relief*

Kaci: Oh thank god

Scott: I thought we might have lost somebody important for a second

*Nick is lying there in a pool of blood*

Stevie: Thank goodness everyone is ok

*Several rabid animals come and start to eat at the body of Nick. The rest of the group forms a circle and begins to sing Kumbaya. Nick meanwhile is being eaten by strange animals*

Gary Coleman: Now if you could all shut the fuck up, I have something to say. We're gonna have another mission and you're all gonna enjoy it. But it does require that you've passed the 3rd grade, so I'm sure everybody fits that, right?

*Jason awkwardly looks away and hopes nobody will notice*

Gary: Good, bitches. Today's mission we're gonna give each of you a flag. It has your name on it, we thought that would be really creative. *Begins to talk very homosexually* Actually it was my idea. I thought it would really be a neat touch! Haha, I know you're all thinking "Why is he so talented" and you soooo should! Yay names!

*Everybody is silent and staring blankly at Gary. Nick farts*

Brandon: When the fuck did you get back here?

Nick: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE *starts choking*

Everybody: ........

Gary: SHUT YOUR ASSES UP FOR 2 SECONDS. Anyways, we're all gonna hide our flags somewhere in the house. You want to be the first team to find all 10 of the other teams flags. When you collect a flag you keep it because the person who collects the most flags from each team will win the "Get out of jail for free' YAY! Alright, now go hide your flags bitches

*Natalie hides her flag under her bed*

Natalie: I wasn't feeling too creative...and I basically just dont care about being here anymore....so why try?

*Brittany hides her flag in between her breasts, and it is very visible*

Brittany: I know the other team can see it, I just want them to reach for it... *Brittany begins to wink sexually and the cameramen become a little uncomfortable

*Shay hides her flag underneath a picture of her and her husband*

Shay: I dont have anything to say, but we're forced to do a confessional....umm.....*stares blankly into space until the confessional is shut off*

*Krystal hides her flag in the fireplace (while the fire is lit). She also gets into the fire herself and just chills there*

Krystal: Why participate in the mission when I can get a third degree burn and then peel off the scabs? *Smiles sinisterly*

*Kelli hides her flag next to her hair clippers*

Kelli: *angrily* I suggest NOBODY goes near those hair clippers or they will be getting a hair CLIP...or cut, whichever you prefer *Smiles pleasently and twirls hair*

*Stevie hides his flag in the trash barrell*

Stevie: I dont really know, I doubt anyone would look in there??

*Nick hides his flag on his bed*

Nick: Waahoooo!! I'm good at this game!

*Matt hides his flag under the poster in his room of the word "FUCK."*

Matt: Nobody will fucking expect it to fucking be there or my fucking name isnt Matthew fucking ....uhhh... *forgets his last name and goes on a random cursing spree*

*Tim hides his flag on a flag pole*

Tim: I do good right? I win mission? I no go home? I special?

*John hides his flag in Shay's bed*

John: I just wanted to feel around for a bit...so I put it there. *Mysteriously looks around and then begins to do the chicken dance completely randomly, then gets all serious and walks away*

*Kaci hides her flag under a picture of Tom Welling*

Kaci: .....................what? Go away! *Chucks shoe at the camerman*

*Zoe hides hers in the hands of the cardboard Tara*

Zoe: You stay here Tara! Dont let anybody take this flag. I love you Tara! *Zoe hugs the cardboard Tara and begins to dance with it*

*Jai hides her flag in a can of pringles*

Jai: Dont worry...the can was empty...believe me, I wouldnt waste perfectly good pringles.....711 bitchesssssssssssss

*Dave hides her flag in the dish washer*

Dave: I didn't have a lot of time to think, because my nail polish was drying and I want my fingers to look FABULOUS if I'm gonna go to Club Bitch tonight

*Steph hides her flag in her vagina*

Scott: Good thinking Steph, nobody would ever want to reach in there

*John is seen evily smiling*

Scott: Um.....ok? *Scott quickly hides flag under a picture of Kristin Kreuk*

*Brandon hides his flag under a picture of his mother*

Brandon: Dont worry mumma, imma win this for us and buy as a real house so we can stop livin' in that dumpster outside McDonalds

*Ryan hides his flag in a bin that says "There's no flags in here"*

Ryan: I'M NOT A HUMOROUS CHARACTER...IM JUST THE WRITER...*hopes that nobody realizes he is the writer and flees the scene*

*Jason hides his flag under his spelling book that he was studying for his upcoming test*

Jason: Slide! That's one of my words. So is Slope! And also Slick. Anything 5 letters and beginning with SL i need to know

*Steph and Brittany enter the scene in lingerie*

Steph: How about two SLUTS?

*Jason stares at them strangely*

****Note from the writer: I'm sorry, I really wanted to make that joke lol****

*And lastly, Mikey hides his flag in his underwear draw. As he is hiding it you can see the Batman underoos that his mother packed for him*

Mikey: VICTORY IS MINE.

Gary Coleman: Alright that was probably the most pathetic segment the world has ever seen, lets get to the goddamn mission

*Gary blows on a whistle signifying for the teams to begin, but they're all idiots so it takes them a little time. Gary has to explain the point of "GO." Eventually there is some movement, but the majority of the cast is still confused. Gary gets tired so he shoots himself in the head with a nail gun. He survives and is pretty pissed about it. All of the sudden the 19 morons (and the 1 normal one that was just sitting there because she didn't want to make them feel bad) begin to rush for flags*

*John pulls the one out of Steph's vagina and begins to sniff it*

John: Oooooooh yeah

*Everybody runs far away from John as John tries to hand the flag to his teammates*

Stevie: Nobody touch that thing, ever....or your life could be in danger!

*John shrugs and wears it as a bandana*

*Jai approaches the fire place where Krystal is still sitting in as she appears to be extremely burnt*

Jai: OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Krystal: I have.....never.....been better

*Krystal begins to roast herself as a marshmellow and then attempts to eat herself but realizes thats not a very smart decision.*

Jai: Can I have your flag?

Krystal: Sure, if you'll LET ME BE

*Krystal chucks the flag at Jai and continues to enjoy herself in the fire*

Jai: There's some weird people in this house....

*Nick goes into Kaci and Scott's room and takes both their flags from behind the SmallVille posters. He turns around and screams like a 4 year old girl when he sees Scott and Kaci looking at him with their arms crossed*

Scott: WHAT are you doing in OUR room?

Nick: Playing the game, silly dumb dumb head

Kaci: GET OUTTTTTTTT

*Scott and Kaci do not realize that Nick takes the flags as they also kick the cameramen out for "obvious reasons"*

*Brandon is seen searching in the trash barrell for leftover food and ends up finding Stevie's flag*

*Jason finds Matt's flag under the "FUCK." poster*

Jason: *to himself* sound it out Jason.....ffff-----aaaah-----saaaa----kaaaa.....FASAKA!

*Jason runs out of the room feeling accomlished*

*Brittany is walking around with her flag in her breasts and no one will take it. She gets very aggravated and begins to sweat, therefore causing her to strip off her clothes, and therefore making the flag go with the shirt and Ryan grabs the flag....then washes his hands*

*Kelli goes into Mikey's room and into his underwear draw to get the flag. Some of the things in there are the Batman underoos, a Megaman undershirt, and several pairs of tighty wighties*

Kelli: Whatever....i'll just cut his hair *Runs off*

*Tim is walking by the bin that says "There are no flags in here". He then reaches in and grabs a flag*

Tim: I saw word flag and I reach in bin. I found flag in bin! I do good in mission!

*Everybody is still searching aimlessly for flags. Nobody will go near Kelli's because they fear of what will happen. Nobody can find Natalie's and not many people even know she is in the game. Someone grabs Jason's but it doesnt really matter who now does it?*

*Nick goes to eat pringles and finds Jai's flag*

*Nobody seems to really care so everyone is pretty much walking really slow and paying no attention to the game. Several of the cast members begin to play Dance Dance Revolution. Nick is the only one still looking because he wants to be awesome.*

Gary: Shit this is some boring television. Alright guys we're gonna end the mission right there. I dont feel like counting or anything, because I wanna smoke weed so I'll just guess. Um....KSCWE wins, just because, and uhhh....Scott and Stevie win the "Get out of jail for free" because I'm hoping to join SKCW and I want to involve myself in a decent storyline

Stevie: Um no...

Gary: Fuck you, then I want my get out of jail for free back

Stevie: Nope you already gave it to me

Gary: Shit. Oh well, guess its official

Nick: HEY THATS NOT FAIR. I GOT ALL THE FLAGS

Gary: I got news for you, life's not fair. Now I'll tell you what, you can keep the flags if you shut the fuck up

Nick: OKEY DOKEY!

Gary: I said shut up, douchebag. Now you cant even keep the flags. Give them to me!

Nick: NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR

*Nick takes off running but the African-American midget is in hot pursuit. Gary jumps on Nick's back and causes him to fall. The two get into a little skirmish (much like last episode) with Gary clearly winning. Gary drag's Nick's limp body into the bathroom and gives him a swirly*

Gary: Stupid bitch

*The cast stares at Gary horridly*

Gary: WHATHU STARIN' AT CAST? Hey thats a new one, isnt it? Anyways the winning team's prize....you've all won a subscription to Cancelled Nick At Night Monthly. It features several of the cancelled Nickelodeon shows that should still be on the air. If you look at page 69, i do a nude spread. I'm sure you'll all check that out

*Every member of the KSCWE team throws the magazine away, except Steph who immediately turns to patch 69 and starts masturbating.*

Gary: FUCKERS! Meet me at the Unfortunate Conclusion in like 43 minutes, or at your earliest convenience

*51 hours pass*

*Everybody shows up*

Gary: I SAID 43 MINUTES! I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOR 51 HOURS. WHAT HAVE I DONE YOU ASK? NOTHING. I CANT FIND MY DICK, SO I COULDNT EVEN MASTURBATE. SO I COUNTED THE NUMBER OF ROCKS ON THE GROUND. I OUGHTA KILL YOU ALL

*Everybody is really weirded out by the whole dick comment and pretty much everybody leaves, but they realize they have nothing better to do so they all come back*

Gary: Introducing first, from team KSCWE.....JAI!!!!!!!!!!

*Nobody really cares about Jai, but nobody dislikes her. There is a little clapping. Steph lets out a loud orgasm, so it makes it look like Jai is popular*

Gary: And now from team SKCW...........TIM!!!!!!!!!

*Everybody from both teams boos extremely hard. Especially people from Tim's team. Tim is an idiot however and waves to his team, thinking they're joking and they really want him to win*

Gary: Scott you won the "Get out of jail for free", would you like to save Jai?

Scott: Um sorry but you can take this one

Gary: And Stevie, would you like to save Tim?

Stevie: ..............No? Is that even a question?

Tim: Thanks Stevie! I really happy. You a good friend

Stevie: I didn't even volunteer?

*Tim is already running up the stairs. He hugs Stevie. Stevie dropkicks him and sprays himself with anti bacterial*

Gary: Stevie get your ass down here

Stevie: I DID NOT VOLUNTEER MYSELF

Gary: Ok Stevie wins the Unfortunate Conclusion

*Everybody looks extremely confused*

Gary: The contest was the first person to say "I did not volunteer myself" ...so what? Ryan was having writers block and couldnt think of one

*Ryan whistles nervously*

Jai: WHAT THE HELL?!! SO I HAVE TO GO HOME BECAUSE HE SAID A COMMON PHRASE??!

Gary: It's not that common...

Jai: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!!!

Gary: Well you cant actually go home. The first eliminated from the game will be forced to watch a 24/7 marathon of Diff'rent Strokes, because you need to learn the essence of that show. So sorry bitch, but you've just been terminated

*Gary presses a button and Jai disappears*

Everybody: ?????????

Gary: That's right, SHE WAS OWNED

*Mikey takes Gary down with a large bowling ball as everybody else returns to their middle class house*

*Shay goes up to her room*

Shay: MY WEDDING PICTURE!!!!

*The camera zooms in on the wedding picture which shows Shay and her husband's body, but a picture of John's face has been taped over Shay's husband.*

John: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

*Krystal enters the scene and joins him*

Krystal: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

*Soon the entire house begins to join in on evil giggling, except Natalie who goes to bed at like 8:30. Everybody else makes a ruckus all night and then finally the next door neighbors bomb the house and everybody dies, but unfortunately comes back to life the next day*

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