5th Comm Bn

Important Announcement

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We wish all of you and your families a

Very Merry Christmas and a

Joyous and prosperous New Year 2009

Dawg & Judy "Jan"

Rather than give you guys the same old Christmas greetings or a fifth of booze, I've cogitated long and hard about this (while drinking the booze) and decided upon offering up some sage advice as my gift to my friends in 5th Comm. Ponder these well, as I've spent many, many hours in scouring the Internet and every reference work available to offer up these pearls of wisdom:

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through
them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the
flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts
"Heads up!", don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your
eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with
nature, stay on the outside of all fences at
the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
press on the flat end.

Under no circumstances should you ever
reproduce.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks"
there is no need to report it on your income tax
return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your
wrist. Get a watch.

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact
science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days,
don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator
button many times.

April 1st is Your special high holy day.

Jack - Judy will help you with the BIG (over 3 letters) words. And all of you take heed so that you and yours have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

It seems Mikey is an EXPERT on all the statements he sent

erry Christmas and Happy New Year Folks

I was going to test each and every one of those helpful hints but time kinda ran out as I was healing up from that first one.

A brick thrown straight up will come straight down. If you would like to replicate the test, don't forget to step to one side after throwing the brick up. Or wear a helmet.

Mikey, Thane of Duninsane

What did you do look up???

Well, of course I did. How else was I going to know if the brick went straight up and then straight down?

Got me right between the eyes and I've looked like a raccoon for the past week. It was a little embarassing at first, but now I just tell everyone that Vicki punched me out.

For some reason, everybody believes that.

Mikey, Thane of Duninsane

I guess I can do better than sage advice. How about a belly-laugh?

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.

It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. &nbs p;You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed th at Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screeched, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas

Merry Christmas to you all also -

Important Announcement The MSN Groups service will close in February 2009. You can move your group to Multiply, MSN’s partner for online groups. Learn More
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