|
|
 |
|
Reply
| | | Message 3 of 5 in Discussion |
|
Dear néné
Are you nuts ? i don't think so... you will find people who feel best regenerated after a sauna... after listening to that special version of a Mozart's Opera... but here you will find many who enjoy "grudgefuck" (if i understood what you mean by that word lol).
i have had masochist sexual fantasies since i was a child. i soon found out that not everyone was like me and i better not flaunt it if i wanted to be accepted, but anyway sexual thoughts are rarely shared before 10yo. So this became my secret garden, in which i was having very much fun when visiting, and what bad was there in that ? i was not hurting anyone, and especially not myself since it was all in daydreaming - later i practised light self-bondage on me, but nothing actually painful. What was turning me on is the imagination of the "brute force", not the pain, and it was always connected to sexual satisfaction.
i have been blessed to grow up in a safe environnement, without any physical punishment. Although i have sometimes behaved in a self-destructive way just like any other (Scorpio) teenager, i have managed to avoid pain most of my life and been lucky that i could turn violent situations where i was the victim (or so they tought  ) to my advantage.
Pain to me was a red light warning that my body was in danger, period. It was just a condition that needed to be fixed as soon as possible. If pain would continue unreasonably, it would make anger grow in me - (reasonnably would be when delivering a baby for example, but to a certain point, thanks modern medecine for the epidural on the first).
So here i am making a difference between "pain", and "brute force" - it took me many many years before i would wish to explore pain separatley from sexual stimulation, even more years than realizing the dreams of my secret garden could become a reality in a safe way.
your story is different. From what you write i believe your secret desires have become real in an unsafe, endangering way, and i think it is no surprise that you shy away from them. i believe if pain would have been inflicted on me before i was consenting and ready for it i would have been scared too. i am lucky that i have been found by Someone patient Who waited for me to beg for the experience.
So no, i don't think you're nuts if you have masochistic desires. Masochistic behaviours can become quickly crazy if you dont watch them closely - (like saying naw it's ok i can take it and waiting forever before to go to the doctor - or dentist) but if you are wired like i am... denying these desires and labelling them bad is simply not helping you.
|
|
|
|
Free Forum Hosting
Important Announcement
Prev Message
