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It’s really wonderful there is a place for people to ask questions and explore feelings on shared experiences. I was reading through this thread and I was comforted by the fact, I am definitely not alone in certain thoughts I have. I am really glad you asked this question(s) goddess sis. And it was really interesting to read what dev and rose expressed on this subject.
I have felt the same way as all of you at one point or another. That is, having certain desires and feeling uncertain if those desires were ok to have and also trying to understand why I was having them. I have always seen my experience in D/s as one of conflict. Sometimes what I want or feel I “need�?is often accompanied by a certain amount of doubt or questioning. Sometimes the desires of this submissive leave her wondering if she is twisted, sick, co-dependent, needy, or simply disturbed. But I tend to be very hard on myself most of the time. However, the more I read or talk to other submissives, I realize I am not alone in the desires or needs I have. What a relief!!
As far as pain goes, I am in the same boat as all of you. I have learned there are certain things that hit the button in my mind, which allow me to go from the Beth you see every day to that secretly submissive girl who is kneeling at a Dominant’s feet begging to be taken forcefully if need be just allow me to submit!!! Pain is one of those “tools�?that has been used to help put me in that space and allow me to let go. I also love feeling a hand slip around my neck and squeeze just enough to the point where I am indeed begging for more. By no means are you alone sis in feeling like you want more and your hunger for these acts is almost insatiable at times.
I really love how dev used running as a way to describe the place pain allows her to transcend to. I understood vividly, viscerally even, that place of heightened sense and pure primal emotion. It is euphoric, intoxicating and delicious and I think it’s really no wonder it becomes something we long for and crave. I think pain, like other forms of play �?humiliation or bondage for example �?if done properly, safely, and as dev said in the context of a trusting D/s relationship, can truly be the conduit for allowing the submissive to surrender all self-consciousness, doubt, anxiety and allow her to experience a very deep and powerful submission. And there is nothing wrong with that. It took me a long time to understand this however.
I think rose makes a wonderful point regarding pain and how the manner it is introduced, as well as the timing really affects how a submissive feels about her desire for it. If you were the victim of a violent act its harder, as you said goddess, to understand why you still crave it. But I think there is a difference between deciding this is something you like, own it, and then decide who you want and trust to share it with versus being abused and broken. In this way, you are no longer a victim, but self-empowered and taking ownership of your desires and/or needs. I think some of my experiences growing up put me in a similar category, where for a very long time I thought: how can I possibly want this when I lived through that?! You know, I don’t think it matters to me anymore and I think this is because I have come to a place where I accept the person I am more and embrace the desires I have without judging them too harshly.
So yeah, I love a certain amount of pain in the context of play. I love all the sensations and the emotions that arise from being taken to that place. And with the right person, I will beg for it, I will crawl for it, and then when it’s over I will lay there breathless with tears dampening my flushed cheeks and thank Him for allowing me to surrendering so deeply. I will cuddle up in the safeness of His embrace and know I am safe and this is ok and there is no better moment than this one because for a brief time I sucked the marrow out of life and was the closet to my true self than any other part of my day.
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