First off goddess, NO, you are not weak for wanting the sense of structure that can be found in a D/s relationship. The evidence of this can be found simply in the fact that you would admit you do. Such an acknowledgement does not come easy given the oddity by which such a desire can be viewed.
For the sake of avoiding getting off track, I’ll point out that yes, there is a difference between needs and wants. This seems to be one of those popular topics that keeps popping up that defines needs as being those things such as food, water, clothing, and shelter required for physical safety and survival while wants are all those other things that add to our existence. The important feature of this distinction is that one views other involvements and procurements in life as personal choices. There is a difference, however, in the intensity one feels with the menu of wants and choices available. Whereas some wants are merely fleeting attractions such as wanting the newest model of a vehicle, the latest release from your favorite musical artist, or a redesigned kitchen, other wants feel a more distinct urgency and intensity.
While that new vehicle would be nice and the latest CD from Vanilla Ice would be cool and that new kitchen would be simply marvelous, not obtaining them has little impact on the quality of your life and can easily fade in the larger picture of daily living. Still other wants take on the intensity of a desire that is essential to our identity, personal satisfaction and add to the sense of balance and confidence it takes to lead a life that is self enhancing and productive. Although these wants may not pose an immediate threat to survival, over the long term they most certainly do in that stress and anxiety, lack of fulfillment, and degrees of depression can lead to a lifestyle that is detrimental to our physical, emotional, and intellectual well-being.
For some folks, dominance or submissiveness, in the context of D/s, is essential to their identity, and overall well-being. Would they die without it �?no �?but the quality of their lives would definitely suffer. Take for instance a person who owns her own business and thrives on the independence to exercise personal creativity, vision, and preferences unfettered by the obligatory deference to an employer, boss, and corporate politics. In the event that she is no longer able to conduct her business (not uncommon in these troubled economic times) and must become the employee of another person or entity, it is likely that she would find her creativity and ability to more freely exercise her preferences impaired, thus affecting her overall quality of life. The breadth of choices she can make based on her preferences will be curtailed, her ability to make decisions will be limited, and the independence that enriched her existence will now be stunted by what the boss or corporate policies allows. Yes, she can and will survive, but the urges and desires to essentially be her self will remain, unfulfilled to the extent she once knew.
In the same way, there are some essentials for the person who is submissive in the context of D/s. Can she survive without it? Of course she can. Would she feel more balanced, fulfilled, and authentic to who she is by being able to integrate D/s in her life? Most likely, for part of identity is a person who feels the urge to submit to the influence of another, the desire to serve another/others (for some, not all), covets the fulfillment that comes from being pleasing, and perhaps craves the ecstasy of erotic activities that are broader and less inhibited then most of her friends. It takes a great deal of strength to submit to the reality that these things are essential to one’s identity.
I cannot be sure what “kind of structure�?you find or have found to be most useful and productive. The concept of structure within a D/s relationship varies widely between individuals from less to more, the important factor, however, being what is essential to an individual to express her submissiveness in the most productive ways. Just as other personal strengths have the capacity to enhance one’s life, so too does the strength of submissiveness.
I point this out with regard to what you describe as “flitting�?to those who appear dominant to you and to some degree appeal to the essence of you that seeks approval, acceptance, and a sense of security. If I am reading you accurately, it seems as if you recognize and perhaps are dissatisfied that your desires are the basis of what you describe as sometimes being “sucked in�?to settling for associations or involvements that provide at least the illusion of fulfilling these desires. If this is accurate, then I’d tell you not to punish yourself too much as most people who also happen to be submissive are vulnerable to the attraction of what appears to be a “guiding hand.�?nbsp; Those “guiding hands�?are plentiful, whether on line in chat rooms, Comms, or other D/s sites or off line in public munches, educational forums, or other D/s related events.
Rather than getting into the tangled definitions of trainers, mentors, companions, etc., I’ll focus on the single attribute you might look for in judging the efficacy of a “guiding hand,�?whether on line or off line. It comes from the lyrics of an old song done by Ike and Tina Turner and says: “I hear what you say but I see what you do.�?nbsp; In other words, does these guiding hands act in congruence with what you hear them say. Do they profess one thing but do another? Do their actions speak louder than their words because the clamor of duplicity rings loudly due to the inconsistency between the two?
Guiding hands can be charming and flatter you with their attention. You are not the first nor will you be the last submissive who gets “sucked in�?to the appealing appearance they portray. On the other hand �?yours �?I suggest you can become more discerning by paying attention to the authenticity of all those guiding hands eager and willing to “show you the way.�?nbsp; Nothing better attests to the authenticity of a person than consistency between the perspectives they profess and the actions they display.
As it is frequently said, consistency in the dominant/Master is the basis for the trust required by a submissive to surrender in a D/s relationship. While many huff n�?puff endlessly about “walking the walk and talking the talk,�?the crucial question for you to ponder and answer is, “do they actually walk their talk?�?nbsp; The authenticity of their dominance or Mastery will be revealed to you by the consistency or inconsistency of doing so. I suggest this is a sound foundation for you to choose which hands you will or will not let guide you. By applying this, it is possible for you to discover the grounding you and others often want so as not to have the vulnerabilities of their submissiveness taken advantage of and misused.
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