goddess,
Thankyou for initiating this new board in all its pinkness! i do understand your questions as well as your yearnings. i also know sometimes these self doubts can really turn a person inside out-i like to take comfort in the fact im not the only to feel this way sometimes ..i hope you find a little comfort in this as well.

 
i dont think it makes you weak to want some kind of structure or a strong presence in your life at all. For me rituals and boundaries are something i love about D/s - Having experienced times with a Master in my life and times without - i can also say i know your struggle and the pull you describe. A strong Dominant presence can be very intoxicating to a girl .*smiles* i think to some extent W/we feed off each other in that regard. There is no shame in feeling it or being drawn to it. Perhaps the thing im still learning is to be more discriminate about Who i choose to share myself with as i wander. Some feasts are like a full meal- they satisfy and sate you- some are like a giant sugar rush- no substance, there is a certain crash when it is spent and no true nutrition is derived there from.
 
If anything, i think the want for structure and some sort of control is a good sign that submission might be a part of your make up- i know in the past when i have not had a Dominant in my life i have questioned my own submission. Questioned, run away from, denied altogether - you name it ive tried it - for me it was not the way to go - that hunger just kept gnawing away at me. Better for me was to look inside myself - see the ways in which i could embrace the things that made me crave submission- and deal with it from there.
 
Some of the things i have done and still do are to concentrate on the activities i do thru the course of each day. ive come to realize that there are things i do in certain ways so they are 'just so' for the people i care about. Like dev i find value in the ways i have found to please the people around me and i appreciate the quality of being able to do just that. Sometimes it is so easy to brush their happiness off in a kind of 'aww shucks' manner, but the truth is not everyone has the ability or the desire to do extra special things for the ones they care about. Not everyone sees the need for those extra details or those insightful contributions that make a moment just right. - Take happiness from your abilities in that arena and pride in the fact you are wired that way. It is a special thing.

 
Paying attention to myself and my sensuality/sexuality is something that is also very important- This important part of us is so easy to bury amidst the day to day details of a busy life. i like to think that although it is wonderful to have that part of you drawn out under a strong guiding hand- it is still important to know yourself in that regard- to keep that part of you primed and supple and within easy reach. Being in close touch with the things that you desire and that arouse you is simply another way to move thru this world at ease and in full acceptance of everything you are. Knowing and embracing whatever you happen to be brimming with is not always an easy task but well worth the effort, and something most Dominants i know would find a very appealing trait.
 
Oh yes it may at times seem like bliss to have a Master telling you His every whim, what to think, what to do to please Him etc., but the D/s that i have lived with over the years has more often come down to being my responsibility first - the Ones i have served have been happy with my ability to think and consider the many ways i might please them. They have enjoyed how i may have expanded upon the foundations they have given me in regards to their preferrences and their desires- i think one has to believe in themselves and embrace the things i have mentioned above in order to feel free enough to do this. Indeed that hunger is to some degree satisfied anytime i obey and am able to please, but when i serve and do well of my own volition- when i somehow hit the mark because of who and what i have become in my life and not simply because i have been told what to do and have obeyed, what a greater feeling of accomplishment there is for me to tuck away until the next time i am presented with an opportunity to serve.
 
Lastly i would gently remind you, our kind of happiness doesnt always come to us in the way we envision it or as easily as we would like - Living wired as a submissive and acknowledging the desires of your own heart sometimes comes at a price. i have found the best way to accept that price is to accept oneself, hunger and all -Celebrate the beauty of the qualities i know are inside of me and i have seen in you. Learn to believe that those qualities are indeed a special thing in this sometimes unhappy, ugly, repressed and selfish world and appreciate Those who genuninely see and embrace you for possessing them. See the struggle to find those things inside of you and fine tune them as a valuable tempering of who and what you are - Enjoying what you bring to the table makes it that much easier to spread it out before someone else to savor.-

 

Fondly and with much love,

 

SteeLs pet

 ~fury~