Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory,
the other two I forget.

You're getting old when
you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years
when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when
 you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as
a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age
when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when
you realize that caution is the only thing
you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. 
As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when
getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when
you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when
your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know until the 4th of July.

You're getting old when
you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic
when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when
you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.