Mary,

There are nearly 60 articles that Joel recommended for you.  Read them all.  Post again with the answers that you find to your questions.  The short answer is, no, you are not a deranged woman.  You are a nicotine addict.  It will get better as long as you do not use nicotine again.

 

Read and learn all that you can about your addiction.  Knowledge is the key to your recovery.

 

Joseph