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Negative Support from Others
I actually wrote this to a member a number of months ago because of someone making the comment to her that because she was such a basket case from not smoking she should just give up. Sometimes these comments come from people near and dear to you and can become quite emotionally shattering. Anyway, for time sake I am going to attach the originial letter here for I hope it prepares all in the event something like this ever is said by others to you. No comment, look or stare from another can undercut your quit. Only you can do that. The way is by simply disregarding the fact that you can never take another puff!
Joel
The comment you received is very common, at times I feel almost universal. Where a dear family member or friend blurts out, "If this is what you are like not smoking, for Gods sake, go back." Most of the time the person making the comment is not really considering the implications of the statement. It is comparable to you telling someone on chemotherapy, and who is in a really bad mood due to hair loss, nausea, and other possible horrible side effects, and hence, in a less than happy mood, that he or she should get off that stuff because he or she is so irritable that he or she is ruining your day. Of course, if analyzed by any real thinking person, the comment won't be made, because most people recognize that chemotherapy is a possible last ditch effort to save the other person's life. The decision to stop the treatment is a decision to die. So we put up with the bad times to help support the patients effort to save his or her life.
What family members and friends often overlook, is quitting smoking too is an effort to save the quitters life. While others may not immediately appreciate that fact, the person quitting has to know it for him or herself. Others may never really appreciate the concept, but the person quitting has to.
One thing I did notice over the years though, while the comment is made often, it is usually from a spouse, a child of the smokers, a friend, a coworker or just an acquaintance. It is much more uncommon that the person expressing it is a parent or even a grandparent. I think that says something. Parents are often used to their kids outbursts and moods, they have experienced them since they were infants. The natural parental instinct is not to hurt them when they are in distress and lash out, but to try to protect them. I think it often carries into adulthood, a pretty positive statement about parenthood.
A tragic situation is often experienced when a person does actually encourage a family member or friend to smoke and then, months, years or decades later, the person dies from a smoking induced illness. Sometimes the family member then feels great guilt and remorse for putting the person back to smoking way back when he or she remembers making the remark. But you know what, he or she didn't do it. The smoker did it him or herself. Because in reality, no matter what any person said, the smoker had to quit for him or herself and stay off for him or herself. How many times did a family member ask you to quit as a smoker and you never listened. Well if you don't quit for them, you don't relapse for them either. You quit for yourself and you stay off for yourself.
I am going to touch on the comment from one more angle. Sometimes when you were a smoker and someone does something inconsiderate or wrong that angers you and you are about to take it on, you have a sudden almost uncontrollable urge to smoke. That urge, induced by the urine acidity all of a sudden takes precedence over dealing with the person and issue at hand, and sends you off in pursuit for a cigarette. This momentary venture gives you a cooling off period and at times, you may even let the whole event slide, feeling it is not worth even mentioning now. Consider this behavior from the other person's perspective. He or she may not even know that he or she did something offensive, and even if it is recognized, paid no penalty for the infraction.
As an ex-smoker, you may not take that kind of behavior from another person, being wronged and accepting it without challenge. I am going to attach an article here you may have seen the other day but addresses this phenomena too, of taking on issues head on, especially in the beginning. Well to the other person, now having you stand up for yourself may make you seem to be a bad or terrible person. But you know what, if they were wronging you to start with, they are the instigators of the reaction. You just may not be taking be walked over any more and they will just have to get used to it. But the odds are if this is the case, they will no longer take advantage of your "good" nature and will not repeat the offending practice. So in some ways, you are educating them to be better people too.
Whatever the situation, keep focused that you are quitting for yourself and whether or not any specific person supports your effort you are behind it. We are behind you too. You will not find a single sole here who will tell you to go back to smoking. We all recognize the significance of the effort. You are fighting for your health and your life. To win that fight, no matter what, never take another puff!
Joel |
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