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| | From: joie (Original Message) | Sent: 9/8/2004 12:48 AM |
[Another cuttie by Payne:] A game warden stopped a camper carrying a bucket of live fish.
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?" he asked.
"No, sir. These are my pet fish," the camper replied. "Every night, I take them down to the lake and let them swim for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into the bucket."
"That's a bunch of baloney," said the game warden, pulling out a citation.
"Follow me back to the lake, and I'll prove it to you."
Suspicious but curious, the game warden agreed. They walked back to the lake, where the camper poured the bucket of fish into the water.
"Okay," the game warden said, "now call them back."
"Call who back?"
"The fish," replied the warden.
"What fish?" >
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| | From: joie | Sent: 9/8/2004 12:54 AM |
Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Norwegian says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Norwegian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Norwegian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and take crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"
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Driving Etiquette for Rednecks - Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss off. Put Brush Guards on all our vehicles When taking Shortcut off road, be careful as not to hit anyone who might be walking. You must have big tires on all vehicles (even cars). A Jack Daniels bottle is not a gear shift. When you get stopped and the officer says he is going to write you a ticket don't tell him, "No thanks, I won't be staying for the drawing." When you get gas tell the worker to twist the rag three times because if he doesn't the service light will come on. Cattle horns on the hood of your vehicle look like gunsights when possums are crossing the road. The race car is not street legal even if you do have a license. Never tell your wife that duct tape will fix the fan belt of her car. Don't try to race the hurse in a funeral. | | |
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk
of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but
an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
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| | From: joie | Sent: 9/18/2004 3:56 AM |
hahaha. Now Larry, that is just great! very interesting tale. It sure caught me by surprise. Got a good laugh off this. thanks for posting it. gotta go finish eating now. so longgggggggg..........don't get caught fishing!!!!!lol. Say I cannot figure out how to get the pics on the cd to show up. Wanted to show one of Reb'c pics, but don;t know how.' by |
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