Chambers of Shrinking Witches

Quick! True or false pop quiz:

T/F: Your idea of dressing up is wearing Gap rather than Old Navy.
T/F: You own the same "safe" V-neck in five different colors.
T/F: People think you are colorblind.

If you answered "true" to any of the above questions, you are in the midst of a fashion emergency. Don't worry, though, we promise we won't sic Joan Rivers, Leon Hall or the infamous Mr. Blackwell on you. Yet. Instead, we'll adopt the carer-nurturer role, as we guide you through the wacky, wonderful world of fashion with tips suitable for every lifestyle and budget. Then we'll sic Joan on your ass.

Why, you ask, should you heed our advice above all the rest? Simple: we went straight to the source, nagging editors, writers, and stylists at a few of the most well-respected fashion publications in New York. Good connections, eh? So pack up your dime-a-dozen duds and prepare to add some pizzazz to your sorry little wardrobe.

While there are no hard-and-fast rules of fashion (after all, Kate Moss is the supposed ideal), most style authorities agree on a few basic principles. These hold true, no matter how cheap and tacky your clothes are. In other words, these are the 5 commandments of the fashion Bible:

Always look neat and clean

This just makes sense. Unless you're going for the just-rolled-out-of-bed rocker look, it's best to keep your jeans unfrayed, your shirt unstained and your shoes unscuffed. Grunge is over, so live with it. Take good care of your clothes, making sure you follow directions like, "Dry clean only" and "Wash with like colors." Polish your boots. De-fuzz your sweaters. Even if you can't transform yourself into the world's snappiest dresser, you can always improve your appearance by looking well-kept. Go on, make your mama proud.

Make sure your clothes fit

It's known as the "quadruple breast" syndrome, and we hear it's highly contagious. Never heard of it? It occurs when a woman chooses to wear a bra that is at least one size too small, resulting in cups that, well�?runneth over. Ill-fitting clothes are a fashion no-no, whether it's pants that are too long, skirts that are too tight or jackets that are too short. Resist the temptation to forgo buying one size larger simply because it's not the size you "usually" wear. Sizes vary from designer to designer, so stick to what lays nicely on your body. Repeat it like a mantra: Smooth lines, smooth lines, smooth lines. . .

Don't overdo trends

Let's say leopard print is "in." In an effort to look oh-so chic, you go out and buy a hat, blouse, skirt, bag and shoes-all in leopard print. Bad move. Experimenting with fads is fun, but head-to-toe isn't the way to go. Similarly, don't saturate your wardrobe with any single style or silhouette. Cargo pants are cool, but not if they're the only kind of pants you own. Moderation is key.

Keep ultra-bright colors away from the face

No matter what your skin tone, you won't look good (trust us) in a neon green sweater. This doesn't mean that you have to skip the loud hues all together. Simply incorporate bright items into your look as low on the body as possible. Remember: Florescent yellow shoes, not a florescent yellow top. A hot pink clutch, not a hot pink scarf. Let your face star in its own show.

Ignore lame clichés

Chances are, you've heard them all: "Don't wear white after Labor Day." "Make sure your shoes match your bag." "Never pair stripes with plaid." Well, we're here to say that it's all a bunch of hogwash. In today's "anything goes" fashion arena, it's important to be creative and open to new ideas. If this means ignoring old adages and overstepping traditional bounds, so be it.

Now we're going to directly contradict ourselves: even though we just told you to avoid clichés, there are some fashion mistakes that are always wrong. Take our word for it.

Never wear head-to-toe denim. (Silly, maybe, but true nonetheless. You'll look like a convict or a cowboy.)
Never wear sneakers with hose.
Never tuck your shirt into belted jeans.
Never wear pleated jeans.
Never match your makeup with your outfit.
Never wear black velvet in the summertime.
Never overdose on a single fabric (don't wear nylon bottoms with a nylon top).
Never wear large costume jewelry.
Never wear a coat that has big, gold buttons.
Never let your panty lines show.

Got that? Good.

You've already made the decision to improve your look, and you've mastered the basics that every fashion hopeful should know. At this point, it's a good idea to start becoming more conscious of the fashion all around you. This way, you'll strengthen your critical eye and develop a better sense of what looks good and what looks pathetic. Luckily, there are plenty of ways to study up on the subject without becoming a shallow, obsessed mall rat. The following are some ways to pick up some fashion ideas:

People-watching

Even those with limited fashion instincts can pick a truly disastrous look out of a crowd. People-watching is an interesting and non-threatening way of surveying the myriad of "real" looks that are out there. Try this exercise: Find a stranger (in a bar, on a train, etc.) who you think is dressed well, then try to figure out why she comes across this way. What is it about her outfit that appeals to you? Take mental notes, paying close attention to details such as fabrication and color. If you're feeling super bold, you can even ask your subject where she bought a particular garment. She will probably be flattered. Or she might call the police. Either way, you'll make new friends.

Reading magazines

We know, we know: many fashion magazines are trashy wastes of paper. They will, however, give you a better sense of which colors, styles and silhouettes are happening, and also where you can find them. (And you can learn 101 Ways to Keep a Man at the same time!) Don't bother with Vogue or Elle - glossies like these treat fashion as art, and are probably more appropriate for fashionistas who care a little too much about the subject. A better place to begin is with down-to-earth mags (Marie Claire, Jane) that feature beginner-friendly clothing with attainable price points, as well as handy guides to smart mix-and-match dressing.

Watching TV

Did you ever think you'd actually be encouraged to partake? E! Entertainment Television's makeover show, Fashion Emergency, is always good for a few laughs-and for a few useful tips. The Style Network, a spin-off of E!, offers runway coverage and other helpful fashion programs. And, ah, MTV. Besides the occasional viewing of House of Style and Fashionably Loud, pay attention to the clothing you see on videos (no, this doesn't mean you have to dress like Britney Spears). Fashion stylists - who have advance access to garments - can be quite visionary in creating looks for artists. Chances are a skirt worn by Lauryn Hill in a video will inspire many like it the following season. Be on top of trends before they happen. Also, be aware of the clothing shown on popular network TV shows such as Friends, Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Characters on such programs are usually pretty stylin', and a lot of thought (however insignificant it may seem) goes into what they wear each week.

Surfing the Web

If you can use the Internet to learn how to assemble bombs, you can certainly use it to learn how to dress better (then you'll be "da bomb!" Whadda pun!). The Web offers a host of fashion sites that can help you step up your style, from comprehensive directories to digital runway shows. And remember - when in doubt, ask the experts: High-profile designers including Todd Oldham, Vivienne Tam, Kate Spade and Steve Madden are in residence at Stylexperts.com to dish out firsthand fashion advice.

Here's a dose of common sense: a Ramen-eating college student probably doesn't have the same wardrobe needs - or budget - as a high-powered investment banker. Although you may be in a hurry to revamp your look, think before you whip out the plastic. Do you work full-time? Do you travel a lot? Play any sports? Are you a college student who will soon be gearing up for interviews? How much money can you spend each month on clothing? By realizing what you truly need out of your wardrobe, you can save yourself the hassle and expense of buying too many impractical or unnecessary items.

In keeping with the spirit of lifestyle dressing, our fashion experts were kind enough to name four web sites that are particularly adept at pinpointing trends for specific markets. They are:

Girl Shop Perfect for the post-college working girl who has a bit of cash and wants to look simultaneously smart and sexy.
Boo.com Cutting-edge athletic wear for sporty types who aspire to be stylish both on and off the court.
Delia's An online version of the popular juniors print catalog. Ideal for girly girls with a limited budget.
Bluefly A discount store that offers sweet deals on designer goods.

Even though shopping for clothing online can be an exercise in frustration, the Web is a perfect no-pressure place to browse the brands and decide what items are right for you before you head to the store.

Let's face it: Some of us look a bit like Calista Flockhart while others more closely resemble Camryn Manheim. And that's a good thing! No matter how wide your hips or how small your chest, there's a style out there that will make the most of what God (or your chosen higher power) gave you. Instead of conventional body type groupings such as "pear-shaped" or "hourglass," we prefer the more modern categories pegged by Access Style, a web site devoted to hip, young fashion. They are:

Angelfish (narrow shoulders, wide waist, narrow hips)
Buttercup (shoulders in proportion to hips, small waist)
Dewdrop (narrow shoulders, small bust, full hips)
Emerald (square shoulders, even waist and hips)

To find out what will work best for each of these types, go to accessstyle.com.

Or you can stay right here to pick up a few pointers on how to downplay certain undesirable features, such as:

Large Hips
Draw attention away from childbearin' hips by wearing solid, deep colors on the bottom with light or bright colors on top. Instead of tapered leg jeans or pants, try relaxed fit bottoms with a bootcut leg. Stay away from garments that have excessive pockets or details at the hipline. Say no to straight skirts, opting instead for an A-line silhouette. Oh, and lest we forget, avoid pleats like the plague.
Small Bust
To appear a bit fuller on top, wear shirts that have details or pockets at the bustline. Layering is another strategy that works: Try a cute tank top under a cardigan or button-down shirt. Floaty, loose-fitting blouses are also an excellent choice, but be sure to avoid plunging necklines.
Large Bust
A little too well-endowed? Try open necklines like V-necks and U-necks. Super-clingy fabrics should be avoided, as should large patterns and prints. As far as sleeves go, opt for those that are long or elbow-length. Avoid short capped sleeves.
Broad Shoulders
If you have wide, strong shoulders, stay away from shoulder pads, boat necks, horizontal stripes and boxy sleeves. Try V-necks, which pull the eye down and away from the problem area.
Large Stomach/Waist
Avoid snug waistbands and the "tucked in" look if you're thick around the middle. Also stay away from straight skirts and fabrics that cling over the stomach. Dresses with empire waistlines are a good choice, as are graceful A-line skirts.
Too Short
Petite girls who wish to appear more elongated should try short skirts, clamdiggers and capri pants. Avoid busy prints and cuffed pants, and try not to chop up the body with contrasting bold colors. Stay away from garments that are bulky or oversized, such as puffy bubble jackets.
Too Tall
Don't hunch over! Tall women who want to de-emphasize their height can do so by wearing horizontal patterns, textured fabrics, and longer or flared skirts. Short skirts can work as well, especially when paired with knee-high boots.
Overall Heaviness
The hype is completely true: black is a very slenderizing color. Dark, solid colors tend to be quite slimming in general, but this certainly doesn't mean that larger girls should stay away from bright or light shades. Loud prints should be avoided at all costs, however, as should oversize "tentlike" clothes, which make it obvious that you're trying to hide something. Opt instead for well-fitting, tailored looks that cling in all the right places-but just not too tightly.

While we're on the subject of bodies, the Internet is also a great resource for those with special size issues that can make shopping a nightmare. Syd & Sam, at www.alightshopping.com, offers a variety of cute, non-matronly plus-size designs, while Petite Style serves up clothing for the vertically-challenged.

Another surefire way to play up your assets is to choose colors that complement your hair, eyes and skin tone. Again, we are fully aware that we earlier advised you to ignore the clichés, but it's our job to present you with as much info as possible. We're just being thorough.

We here at SoYouWanna.com are a bit rebellious, so we've chosen to sack the traditional "seasonal" categories in favor of those put forth by style maven Doris Pooser in her book Secrets of Style. They are: Deep, Light, Bright, Muted, Warm and Cool.

Deep (Vivid coloring)
Hair: Dark-Black, dark brown, chestnut, auburn.
Eyes: Deep-Brown, brown-black, hazel, rich green, olive.
Skin: Beige, olive, bronze.
Recommended colors: Those that are medium to deep in range, like navy, deep brown, blue, purple, charcoal gray, emerald green, mahogany.
Light (Soft, delicate, fair coloring)
Hair: Light to dark blond, ash blond, golden blond.
Eyes: Blue, blue-green, green, aqua.
Skin: Light-Ivory to soft beige, pink, peach.
Recommended colors: Those that are medium to light and are neither too warm nor too cool, such as grayed-navy, blue-green, turquoise, cocoa, light to medium blue, coral pink, light to medium pink-orange.
Bright (Contrast in color of hair and skin tone)
Hair: Medium to dark-Ash brown to golden brown, black.
Eyes: Bright and clear-Blue, blue-green, turquoise, steel gray, light hazel.
Skin: Light-Ivory, porcelain, beige, translucent quality.
Recommended colors: Clear, primary colors like true red, true green, true blue. Also try aqua, violet, bright pink, periwinkle.
Muted (Neutral look)
Hair: Medium range-Medium ash brown to dark ash blond.
Eyes: Gray-green, hazel, brown-green, brown, dark green.
Skin: Ivory, beige, bronze, golden. Freckles and ruddiness common.
Recommended colors: Soft, blended shades that are neither too warm nor too cool, including rose-brown, blue-green, salmon, rust, watermelon, medium green, warm pink.
Warm (Total golden glow)
Hair: Medium range-Blond or brown with gold, red or strawberry highlights.
Eyes: Warm-Green, hazel, brown, topaz, blue-green, teal.
Skin: Golden-Beige, ivory, bronze. May have freckles.
Recommended colors: Those that reflect a golden tone, such as beige, peach, yellow, warm red, golden brown, camel, moss green.
Cool (Softer look)
Hair: Ash brown.
Eyes: Cool-Rose-brown, gray-brown, gray-blue.
Skin: Cool-Beige, rose-beige, pink.
Recommended colors: Those that reflect a gray or blue tone, such as plum, lavender, burgundy, pink, blue-green, slate.

Remember that certain colors-like black, white, gray, navy, true red and true green-are considered "universal," meaning they can be worn with flair by anybody. Also remember that playing around with color is fun, so don't feel tied down to a limited palette of hues. Similarly, if you find that you were not represented by any of the above categories, don't despair. Wear colors that you feel comfortable in, or ask friends what shades suit you best.

Congratulations! It's time to go shopping. Some strategies to consider:

Acquire the classics

No matter what style you decide to embrace, it's a good idea to stock up on basic garments that can serve as a foundation to a variety of looks. You've heard of the ubiquitous Little Black Dress, right? Get one. When paired with the right pieces, that baby can get you through a wedding, a funeral, a job interview, a dinner party and a disastrous blind date - all in one day! Timeless separates like a nice pair of black pants, a white button-down shirt or an all-purpose gray cardigan will come in handy as well.

Mix it up

Not everyone can afford to shop at Barneys, which is why it's important to be resourceful in putting together your wardrobe. Pair a Kmart tank top with a slightly more upscale Eastern-inspired skirt. Scour thrift shops for retro work pants, kitschy T-shirts and vintage wool coats.

Highlight your interests with accessories

Although the last thing you want to do is pigeonhole yourself by adopting a single signature style (Hello, Sporty Spice), your look should say something about you and what you're into. If you play bass in a band, for instance, let your wild side shine through in your offstage life with sleek leather wrist cuffs or a cool, jewel-studded belt. If you're a bookish type, try a pair of funky, horn-rimmed glasses. Remember that fashion is a form of expression, so feel free to expose your personality.

Even the simplest outfit can turn chic with the help of accessories. Add a snakeskin bag, a cozy knit scarf or an interesting choker to an otherwise straightforward look. Be bold without going overboard, because reckless abandon is never a good idea.

The best accessory, however, (segue alert!) is self-confidence. If you think you look good, other people will too. In fact, we recommend practicing self-affirmations in a mirror so that you can get away with more adventurous fashion choices. Repeat after us: "I'm sexy, sassy and wise." Now blow that paycheck.

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