11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

 

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left
of our airplane to the gate!"

 

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

 

17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking
that someone would have a smart comment.

 

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a
cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or
were
we shot down?"

 

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the
terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope
you'll think of US Airways"

 

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

 

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit
back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes,
the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so
sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should
see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
You
should see the back of mine."