Yom Kippur: Accountability, Apology and Forgiveness 482.1
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Yom Kippur is the highest of the High Holy Days in the Jewish religion.The essence of this sacred day - the true root of holiday - includes but goes well beyond fasting and praying. It requires believers to make a personal, unflinching assessment of their character and conduct, not as an end in itself, but as part of a process of mandated self-improvement to meet our ultimate religious duty: to become a person of exemplary virtue, a mensch.

The essence of Yom Kippur is its focus on reflection, repentance and reparation. To clean the slate for a New Year, Jews must identify and accept accountability for all words and deeds that may have injured or offended others and seek forgiveness not only from God, but from each person we wounded in the past year. That's called atonement.

The ritual is specific: One must convey an apology and ask forgiveness. Where possible, we must also seek to repair the damage done.

The really hard thing is that the confession must be sincere and unconditional. Asking for a pardon while including self-justification ("I'm sorry I said those mean things, but you hurt my feelings first") negates the acceptance of accountability and often turns the apology into an accusation.

But there's a great payoff. Once we've properly expressed repentance, the offended party is morally obligated to forgive us. And, of course, we are required to forgive those who apologize to us. The point is, continuing to hold a grudge is not permitted.

You don't have to be Jewish to appreciate and benefit from the wisdom of this practice as a way to strengthen our character and improve and repair relationships.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

The Seductions of Ego 482.2
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Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben told his congregation that while driving through Scotland he and his lovely wife Didi saw a fabulous hotel on magnificent grounds. He suspected it would be too expensive, but he decided to check it out.

With a slightly disdainful look implying the casually dressed Americans were in the wrong place, a tuxedoed clerk said there was just one "small standard room" left. The atmosphere reeked with stuffy wealth -- all the staff wore tuxedos and the guests, including children, were dressed as if they were going to a formal wedding. Still, the rabbi accepted the clerk's invitation to look at the room.

The room was small and surprisingly ordinary, but he asked the price anyway. As if the question confirmed his initial appraisal of the couple, the snooty clerk declared the room was $845 per night. Plus tax, of course.

Rabbi Reuben gulped, but his ego demanded he prove to Mr. Tuxedo he was not riffraff.

"I'll take it," he said. His appalled and sensible wife overruled him, however, and they drove off.

The rabbi told this story as a confession of his own vulnerability to the intimidating dread of being judged unworthy, even by a hotel clerk. Despite his deep convictions about the shallowness of materialism and frequent reminders to his congregation to focus on what really matters, he marveled at how easily he had regressed to the insecure state of an adolescent so fearful of disapproval that he could be seduced into ignoring his own values.

He concluded that ego was, in fact, Everyone's Greatest Obstacle. Unless we are constantly vigilant, any of us might find ourselves so concerned with impressing people who don't matter that we may lose sight of what does matter.

This story had special impact on me because I know how many times I find myself overly concerned about the judgment of others even when I don't agree with the values that underlie their perception. And sadly, I too have occasionally succumbed to an inner need to be accepted, to "fit in" in the face of great wealth or power.

On hearing this story, I commented to my wife that my competitive nature would have driven me to play one-upmanship. I suspect I would have looked insulted and told the clerk in a disdainful tone of my own that my wife and I would never stay in a room so humble and would have informed him if they did not have a suite, we would go elsewhere. I'm still working to overcome this weakness of character.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

The Only Way to Protect Yourself Is to Behave Yourself 482.3
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"Sshhh, no one has to know."

"This is confidential."

"Don't tell anyone."

These sorts of phrases are a prelude to problems if they're intended to mask words or conduct that will look ugly, be embarrassing or generate legal action if exposed. The foolish belief that misconduct will stay concealed is at the root of a continual parade of relationship-ending, reputation-ruining, career-crushing scandals.

There are no safe secrets about what happens in bedrooms, boardrooms, grand-jury rooms or computer rooms.

Hewlett Packard's chairperson Pat Dunn never dreamed the gory details of her covert, but dubious, efforts to catch a fellow board member who had leaked information would become big-time news. Now Dunn, the leaker and a handful of HP executives are history.

Congressman Mark Foley was confident his sexually laden computer messages to underage Congressional pages would never see the light of day just as House Speaker Dennis Hastert didn't imagine the world would know he was warned about Foley's proclivities and did nothing more than tell him to stop. Foley is gone and Hastert is in trouble.

Jeanine Pirro, a political candidate in New York, never thought her discussions about secretly eavesdropping on her cheating husband would become public, but they were and her credibility has been damaged.

And surely, actor Jude Law thought no one would find out he was having sex with his children's nanny.

It's never been easy to keep secrets, but it's never been harder than it is today.

As I emphasize in my seminars to business executives, public officials and police officers, if it's gotta be a secret, don't do it. Don't do anything you wouldn't want reported on the ten o'clock news or some Internet blog.

The only safe way to protect yourself is to behave yourself.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Curing Victimitis 482.4
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Watch your thoughts; they lead to attitudes.
Watch your attitudes; they lead to words.
Watch your words; they lead to actions.
Watch your actions; they lead to habits.
Watch your habits; they form your character.
Watch your character; it determines your destiny.

These words of unknown origin tell us that our silent and often subconscious choices shape our future. Every aspect of our lives, at home and at work, can be improved if we use our power to think, reflect and make conscious choices about our thoughts, attitudes, words, actions and habits.

Instead, many of us think of ourselves as victims. We complain about our circumstances and what others did to us. Whatever psychological comfort there is in feeling powerless and blameless when things aren't going right, in the end, victims lead unsatisfied lives.

We're most vulnerable to victimitis when we're under the influence of powerful emotions like fear, insecurity, anger, frustration, grief and depression. These feelings are so powerful, we truly believe our state of mind is inevitable. Our only hope is they will go away on their own. Yet it's during times of emotional tumult that using our power to choose our thoughts and attitudes is most important. We can't make pain go away, but we can refuse to suffer.

Even when we don't like any of our choices, we do have some -- once we realize we can take control. It isn't easy, but what we do and how we choose to feel about ourselves has a profound impact on the quality of our lives. Victims may get sympathy for a while, but that isn't nearly enough.

Taking personal responsibility for our happiness and success can be scary, but the payoff is enormous. Although we can't make our lives perfect, we can make them better -- usually a lot better.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Taking Charge of the Balloon 482.5
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A man in a hot-air balloon, realizing he was lost, lowered it to shout to a fellow on the ground, "The wind's blown me off course! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man replied, "Sure. You're about 60 feet over this wheat field."

"You must be an engineer," the balloonist yelled back.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct but of absolutely no use."

The engineer retorted, "You're an executive, right?"

"How did you know?"

"You were drifting in no particular direction before you asked my help, and you're still lost -- but now it's my fault."

The balloon is a good metaphor for our lives. At first, all we want to do is rise as high as we can in terms of money, position and prestige. Yet as we ascend, wind currents push us sideways. Eventually, many of us discover we're on a very different course than we intended, a long way from the spot we took off from or hoped to end up at. So we blame the wind or anything else.

What we must realize is our power of choice is a steering mechanism that lets us respond to each breeze and gust. We can drift with or go against the current. Like haphazard wind currents, unplanned events beyond our control affect the direction of our lives. But, in the end, what we do and become is determined by our choices.

The key is to be attentive, look around and ensure we're going where we want to go.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.