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| | From:  charlee519 (Original Message) | Sent: 5/21/2007 4:03 AM |
I just need to pound on the keyboard to release, so this may not make much sense to anyone, but here goes. Yesterday was my bd and dh was not really planning on doing anything to acknowledge it until a friend of mine told him he should take me out to dinner. DD had to work and asked me if we could do dinner during the week...no problem. Meanwhile, dh asked me if I wanted to go out...we could ask 2 other couples plus ds and his gf. Fine...we went for Mexican food, my choice. Prior to this, several friends sent me cards and a few dropped off little thoughtful gifts, which was really kind of them. Dh never even said "happy birthday". I know it sounds like I'm griping, but this is a man who expects the world to stop and acknowledge him when it's his BD or Father's Day and tt has to be an all day event, all about him. The only attention he gave me was every chance he had, he would stop people and ask them to guess how old I was. He happens to be 6 years younger than me and loves to rub in the fact that I'm older than he, even though everyone thinks he's quite a few years older than I. I'm not bragging, I just got lucky and inherited good genes and people always tell me that I do not look even close to my age (59). When people guess the wrong answer, he can't wait to tell them how old I really am. No, he is not doing this as a complement...he just enjoys letting people know that I'm that old. Yes, he is very immature and enjoys making me feel uncomfortanble. I usually just shrug and pretend like it doesn't bother me. I really don't think it does bother me much, but what gets me is how he always has to turn what should be a pleasant occasion into one I would just as soon avoid. Later in the evening, we were sitting outside with 1 of the couples and he just went flying off the handle about a really stupid thing (I did not agree with his opinion on something). He started getting angry and made the other couple feel really uncomfortable (not to mention how I felt). This evening, the woman who was with us last night told me that she felt bad about the incident and apologized for not jumping in to defend me. She said her husband had told to keep out of it, but she felt that I did not deserve to be spoken to like that and wanted to come to my defense. I thanked her and told her her dh was right. Yes, I feel good knowing that these 2 people could see how hurt I was and felt the pain. It just really ticks me off that my dh behaves like this and thinks he's making me look bad instead of realizing that he's making a fool out of himself. Well, it doesn't solve my problem, but I least I got it out of my system. whew! |
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| | | From: gsees | Sent: 5/21/2007 5:52 AM |
charlee, it makes so much sense to me. your feelings are important, never let anyone tell you diffrent. ohhhh that must have hurt sooo much! my heart ges out to you. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) i would have defended you. how insecure is he that he has to put others down like that? i left a few men i was seeing becuz of that. that was years ago. in my opinion, its a form of mental abuse that you do not deserve. i feel for you. gsees |
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Oh Charlee, I am so sorry and as a woman...I do understand why your feelings were hurt. That goes deep. I think your dh must have (?) a touch of low self-esteem and is acting out on it. Shame on him....because a birthday is special to the person having it and it is their day to celebrate and be special. I think it's time to set him down and let him know life is not all about HIM.....and he is making a fool of himself. My heart goes out to you....how blessed you are to have such a wonderful friend that told you how she felt about it....and know you are special. Hugs! |
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Barb, I'm sorry all this happened to you. Have you told him it bothers you when he brings up your age or embarrasses you in front of company like he did? Is this normal behavior for him or could he be going thru the change? Hugs! Angelbear |
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Wanda asked the question I wondered....wheter you have expressed your feelings and requested feed back from him as to why he does these things. I think you are very insightful in your analysis of the why's. Hugs, Joan |
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I am so sorry Charlee and I hear your pain. My dh use to "kid" me about something in front of others too, although it wasn't my age, I never had the guts to tell him how much it hurt, then when I did, he hasn't done it since then. Relationships are hard work! Whether it is a marriage, or between friends, even work relationships. We all bring so much baggage into the relationship, it is a wonder any of them survive. Only you can decide what is acceptable, and what isn't, today and in the long term. No one is perfect, yet, how much is acceptable for any of us to tolerate before we aren't being nurturing to ourselves. I am doing some talking to myself here as I have what I thought was a friendship that is close to death, and I have been asking myself the same above questions. Happy Birthday to you, I hope you treat yourself to something special, an outfit, massage, buy yourself the gift your husband should have. sending hugs, Josie |
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Barb, I am so sorry that happened to you and on your Birthday! I bet next year you find a different way and different people to celebrate with!!!! I agree with Josie! I hope you March out and get something special for yourself because you certainly deserve it after the way you were treated. While there may be many reasons psychologically for your husbands abusive mouth, there is NO excuse. I doubt you would be so childish and mean to him. On the outside chance that you haven't mentioned how much this hurts you and how BAD he looks in front of others I'd try that..and after that I just wouldn't go out and play with him anymore until he can play nice. You are ALWAYS so very nice and supportive on this board! You deserve to be treated like a Queen! I know everyone here knows that and we want you to know that as well!!!! Pooh on the party pooper! Have fun with your daughter! The best revenge is to have fun in spite of his naughty ways! Gena |
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I do think you should pick a time to discuss with him as to how he makes you feel in that situation. Then it is up to him as to how he decides to handle that information. You can decide then how your feelings are after discussing things with him. I know when you marry ,sometimes you have to take over raising these husbands in the proper do and don'ts of life. It almost like having another child! Don't get me wrong I love my husband of going on 37 yrs. but I have had to adjust his ways from time to time.....ha ha. Happy birthday a little late I guess. Just talk it out with him. Cathy |
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Sounds just like my h. I'm 2 yrs. older but he has to tell everybody I'm older. He does it when it's his bd in front of his family. He only says nasty things in front of my family & friends. The expression "butter wouldn't melt in his mouth" when we are with his family. I told him he wasn't embarassing me but making himself look bad. It goes right over his head. I finally gave up. I don't pay attention to it any more. ps: I didn't get anything for our anniversary or my bd from him. I can wait til father's day. bonnie |
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Bonnie- Do you think someone knew what they were doing when they placed Mothers Day a month before Fathers Day? LOL!! |
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| | | From: lindush | Sent: 5/22/2007 5:14 AM |
I think you have to examine a few things.
For instance, why do YOU think he likes to make you feel bad- and as important, ask him why he likes to make you feel bad. What does HE get out of it?
He's got to be feeling pretty bad about himself to want to make you feel worse than he does.
I also feel VERY sad for the woman who did not follow her instincts to come to your defense- but listened to her husband
I would have- and I see several of your friends here would have also- run ragged over him . ( I've done it more times than I can count) One question- was your husband drinking or is he just generally overbearing? Sometimes the nicest guy turns into an A** after a few too many.
In my experience, the most fun way to react to his not acknowledging you birthday is to VERY calmly state you think his philosophy on celebrating special days makes a lot of sense and you're going to adopt it.
And then ignore him on his birthday. You may also have to ignore some pouting and ranting, but just tell him you REALLY think his way of dealing with birthdays is absolutely .100% the best idea he's ever had .
Then take yourself out for your birthday,albeit belated.
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Thank you all so much for your supportive words and insight. Several of you asked if he knows how uncomfortable his actions make me feel (the age thing) and yes, he does know. I learned some time ago that if he knows something like that embarrasses me, he'll use it as a weapon. That's why I act like it's no big deal. Unfortunately, he must see thru it, otherwise there would be no delight for him in making me feel uncomfortable. When I've tried to disuss it with him, he'll laugh and say things like " oh, everyone knows I'm just kidding" or "I do it because they're all so surprised at how good you look for your age". I do know that he has very low self-esteem and while I am very aware of this, it doesn't help to take the sting out of his bites. Funny thing is, if I were to ignore his birthday, he would make a point of going out of his way to let everyone know that he didn't even get a cupcake, let alone a birthday cake. In other words, he would use it against me and try to make me out to be the bad person. Truly, I have learned a lesson from this experience. (Yeah, I know, I'm slow. Well, maybe not slow, just in denial) Just having you girls as a support system really makes me feel better about myself. You all have a way of putting things in perspective and help me realize that I am in control of how I feel about me. Thank you all again. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you're the best! |
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Maybe for his next birthday....he should get a gift certificate for some sensitivity classes! lol......I think a lot of guys could benefit from a gift like that! ...I wonder how he'd feel...if the next time he wants to go out together with you with family or friends....if you declined to go...because you were worried he'd talk to you like that in front of the other people. Maybe it would make him think a little. I'm sorry he made you feel so badly, and on your birthday, too :-( I hope you got a well-deserved apology from him.  |
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Charlee- I'm glad we all could help somehow. Hugs! Angelbear |
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