I'm new to this group but I have been reading this and it's bringing back memories to me.

What is not working for you in this marriage will not get better by itself. As the years go on it will get worse unless you go for help. Your husband will listen to a stranger (a shrink) faster than he will listen to you. It may not work out but the way you're living now is not the answer. You have a job, you can support yourself. The kids are older and their molding years are over with. Imagine life without this kind of mental anguish? I'm not advising you to do anything but think about what life could be. You're entitled to happiness.

Change worked for me...

I don't have much else to add to what everyone else has said, but I agree with everyone!  Do what is healthy for you, don't let yourself feel guilty for his issues and unrealistic expectations.

 

I had to do the same with my first husband.  I even went to Al-Anon meetings (even though there was no alcohol involved).  It greatly helped me to detach from the issues that I had no control over.  It gave me the support and strength to take control of my life. 

 

I no longer go to the meetings.  I am on my 2nd (and last) marriage.  My husband is a very sweet man and I am so happy that I made some very difficult decisions a few years ago, to get to where I am now.

 

Good Luck!!!

 

- KoKo

after reading all the posts that everyong wrote, I just feel so much better, i thought i was the only one that felt that way about my husband.  didn't realize that there are other women that have the same problem.   i can't add anymore advice, just wish i would have left years ago, now I"m stuck sn old man that has the mentally of a 2 year old. 

19260-  I am sorry this happened to you to. Hugs! Angelbear

It does appear that I am not alone in my feelings (or loss of them) for my spouse.  Seems like this does happen to many of us over time.  It's no wonder why fewer and fewer people stick it out to hit those mile-marker anniversaries like 25 or 50 years.  Can't help but think we've become too much of a "it's all about ME"  society.  Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this is more prevalent with men than women...is it because we were raised to be givers, not takers?

charlee I agree with you. Our men of today have been brought up watching their mothers wait hand and foot on their fathers and maybe that's what they expect from their own wives. It's an "I bring home the money, I own you" mentality. Fortunately women have choices today we didn't have then. Our tolerance for any kind of abuse is less. We can get jobs, support ourselves and even have groups that will help us get back our dignity. We don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. Being alone for a woman is no longer a unhappy life.

I'll attest to that last comment!  Being alone isn't all that bad.  Good friends, wonderful relationships with my kids, and my own peace of mind are great things in life.  And sometimes I felt more "alone" in my marriage then now. 

Amen Amen to that and the previous post!  I agree 100% totally

Charlee:

 

I don't know if you've read any of my posts that I put under my heading of "disappearing," but I have just begun the journey of being ME and MYSELF ALONE.  I've left my husband of 31 years and first of all I am happier.  What everyone has said to you in this post is most certainly true.  While I would not just flippently advise someone to 'leave' I do recommend it if you are truly unhappy.  Mental abuse is just as devastating as physical...people just can't see the mental abuse.  I was in therapy...by myself... for over 3 years before I could finally have enough self-esteem, self-worth and strength to move out on my own.  You see I went right from my controlling mother's house into my controlling husband's house at the very young age of 18.  I am almost 50 now and finally, for the very first time in my life, I feel GREAT!  Yes, guilt raises it's ugly head all the time (at least once a day) but I am dealing with that, with the help of some very strong helpful friends and my sister.  This group has been great as well.  If you'd like to converse via e-mail, I wonder if Angelbear would put us in touch.  She has worked wonders for me.

 

Sorry this is so long..I have a lot to say these days on this particular subject!