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| | From:  charlee519 (Original Message) | Sent: 3/21/2008 8:54 PM |
OK...I'm thinking we should rename this "Charlee's Board" since I'm the one who always seems to have issues (lol). Seriously, though, I've got another situation I could use feedback on. Here goes: Dh has not been on speaking terms with his mother for over 5 years (although she would have no problem with speaking with him...long story). Every Easter, MIL invites us to her house for lunch and every year, I go with our 2 grown kids while dh stays at home. That evening, I always make Easter dinner so that we can have our own dinner. My MIL called to invite us again and I mentioned it to dh, who promptly announced that he's not going. I told him I figured as much. Then he asks me if I'm not making a dinner here and I said, of course, just like I always do. He then went on say he doesn't understand how I could do this to him. I was baffled, so I asked what that meant. He said I should support him and not go to his mom's house. The kids can go, but I should stay behind with him. I told him that I did not have any issues with his mom and I did not understand why I shouldn't go just because he chooses not to. He said that's what spouses are supposed to do - stick together and support one another. His mom did something that "hurt" him (in his opinion) and by me going for dinner, it shows that it's OK for someone to do wrong to him. I'm supposed to boycott her to show support for him. Opinions, please? |
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Whatever his issue with his Mom is that he has let it go for five years HE NEEDS TO GET OVER and make amends. That is so disrespectful to his Mother. He has the issue with his Mom not you so why should you have to ignore her? I think you are right to be speaking to her and going over. Its a shame he's losing out on these years with her. Any chance of them sitting down, talking this out and come to a truce? |
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He is so bull-headed, I don't think he'llever get over it. This is a man who believes in holding grudges. The whole "issue" goes back to the dispute dh and dd were having years ago (remember that war?). DD was ready to leave home and because his mom offered to let her move in to her house, dh had a fit. DD moved in with her temporarily and he claims that if his mother had not made that offer, she would have broken down and stayed home, having no where else to go. I told him that I truly believe dd would have taken off (she's almost as stubborn as he) and if his mother had not offered to take her in, I would have been very disappointed in her (his mom). |
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P.S. I even tried the angle that he's setting a bad example for his children to follow. If someday they get angry with him, they may do the same thing to him. His response was that he is teaching them that if someone does you wrong, you need to stand up for yourself and not let them get away with it. |
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Life is too short for this crap and here you are caught in the middle. I agree with Angelbear. Argh! Stubborn people. One day he will be sorry. |
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| | | From: jewel | Sent: 3/22/2008 1:38 AM |
| I think you are right to go to visit your MIL and take the children....... what ever his problem is has nothing to do with you or the children |
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You need to do what you feel is right. You can't solve his issues for him. |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 9 of 14 in Discussion |
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Well, after reading your response in post 3 I still feel you have the right to see and talk to his Mom and he should be to after five years. But....here goes my big mouth.......... In my opinion his Mom should never have interferred with the argument of your daughter and husband. How disrespectful and humiliating for him at that time. And your daughter was taught she got her way....This is the one who to this day doesn't talk or want her Dad around, even her graduation and she gets her way......Kids with that attitude and lack of respect of parents should be out on their own then they would realize what life really was about.......... Duct tape on my mouth now. I am sorry but thats how I see it from whats been said. |
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Wanda, don't apologize for your opinion...I asked for it. There is one correction to be made to the story. The winter before dd graduated from college, she made amends with dh and he did go to her graduation. She has her own apartment above our garage and continues to have a amicable relationship with dh. Dh asked me again today if I was planning on going with the kids to his mother's house and I told him I was. I again told him it was not fair for him to expect me to not see his mom just because he has a grudge against her. He replied that it's not fiar to him because I'm not supporting him. DD was present and I added that I was still making a dinner for that evening and he said he wasn't interested, so don't bother. DD piped up and said "I'M interested", so go ahead and make the turkey like you planned. Dh later told me that this just "wasn't working" and he was going to have to make some changes and plans of his own. He always threatens with that. I guess it's supposed to scare or worry me, but it doesn't. Just had another thought after re-reading my reply. Dd was able to make amends with dh, so she has actually set an example that dh should follow, don't you think? |
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I agree, hopefully he will eventually follow your dd example. I am glad they are getting along, etc. I remember you telling me now but I forgot. This flu bug is making me ornery, I'm sorry. |
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Charlee, maybe we should rename this "Charlee's dh's board!" as I think HE'S the one with the issues! LOL From everything you've posted in the last few months he's the one that acts like a spoiled baby, that expects things to go his way all the time. Not to mention, other narcissitic tendencies we won't even get you riled up over today! LOL I think you are showing good judgment and boundaries, by refusing to buy into his dysfunctional, selfish behavior. Life IS too short to hold grudges! It is HIS loss. You can't fix things for him. He is a BIG boy in spite of his behavior to the contrary. I am proud of the way you go ahead with your life in spite of him. Looks like your daughter may be learning from your example. As far as fighting with her dad, hmmmm....I wonder why! LOL Take care, and I hope you have a great Easter. Maybe take you and your dd out to dinner and leave pouty britches at home to sulk. Hugs, gena |
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Well, dd, ds and I went to my MILs and dh stayed at home and felt sorry for himself, I'm sure. We had a nice meal and visit with her and my brother-in-law. Spent more time there than I thought we would, but I only see my BIL a few times a year and the conversation flowed. Came home and started our dinner. Ds decided he wanted to go out for a while and dd was giving him a hard time about it. He said he'd be back for dinner, and when she reminded him this was a holiday and he should spend the day with us, he said as far as he's concerned, holidays are a joke and there's no point to any of this. I suggested dd back off and I told him to go ahead and get some fresh air. I told him that dd and I want to spend time with him as a family, no matter what dh does or says. It's obvious dh's behavior has left a negative impression on our son. |
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