hi oniero

 

thanks,i reckon thats my personality, the affectionate fun venus and sun being confused and held back by saturn, neptune and the intensity being amped up with mars joining in.ive also got that pluto square which intensifies my thought process so maybe i blow these problems even further out of proportion and cause more damage to myself by intensly dwelling on negative thoughts of self doubt? 

 

i doubt myself constantly,am i good enough to do this? ,will i perform ok at that? i felt like i was always being told i cant do things when i was young ,so im always assessing myself to see whether im capable and quite often i'll talk myself out of something before ive even started it.

 

you know the part where you described meeting friends is very much like me,i dont persue people but simply if someone is interested in me then i just let things happen,in a way it also goes back to fear, sometimes i think i will feel like the odd person in the crowd since i have such wide interests,literally from one end of the spectrum to the other,i could be talking about drum n bass music to one person one minute and then talking to someone else later about science and astrology. and 90% of the time if i put those 2 different people together they would not get along atall! so it feels like certain people wont understand a particular side of me.infact i had another identity crisis a while back when i thought about it all a little more deeply, i thought "how can i have both interests? am i two different people? is it possible to be 2 different people? am i being self deceptive again and a part of me is the real me while the other part ive deceived myself into beleiving is me too?" quite deep questions and the outcome was that a start would be to change my appearance in some way to show certain parts of my personality.i know its vain to suggest people will think differently of me if change my appearance to suit,but i would be doing it for me,so i feel more confident about showing who i am?

 

i do alot for other people,my friends.infact in always going out of my way for them,most of them have taken advantage of this in one way or another,even if its only a small thing.back when i was younger,(13-15 yrs) i fell into the wrong crowd and some of my so-called friends really broke my faith in people,i dont think ive ever been the same since.over the last 10 years my friendships have changed ,but i still occassionaly fall into the trap of not having people there that i really need,like you mentioned,in my true hours of need people can never help me as the support can never be offered.

i noticed uranus has been hovering over my 11th house cusp so maybe some new friends or groups of friends will be the outcome of that particular transit? 

 

im hoping what you say about my creativity comes true ,i have nearly finished writing an album, music/art is where i channel all that 5th house energy when i feel hopeless in romance.ive just got to get all the finishing touches done and i'll then be able to send off cds to labels.perhaps this will help with my confidence? and perhaps that is the key?... confidence in myself.

 

its gonna be tough but im determined im gonna do something about this,theres been so much going on in the heavens last few years in relation to my chart its making it impossible to ignore,i mentioned it in an earlier post before about the galactic

centre and how hades is at 25 degrees gemini opposite pluto moving through the late degrees of gemini,hades being the asteroid ruling disintergration? aswell as transitting saturn on my north node trining my birth neptune and squaring birth uranus,ive also had transitting neptune going over my midheaven and now trining natal pluto

 

alot of questons and alot of thoughts all focused on change

but is it all to do with confidence? or should i be looking at self help in the form of how to conquer fear? maybe like deb says it could be spiritual connection i need to make,perhaps something as simple as meditation? maybe a relationship with a very significant person will be the instigator,where i lay myself open with the right person to regain that trust in the universe i so severly lack?