Support a Loved One With a Chronic Illness

If you have a friend or family member with a chronic illness, you know how helpless watching a loved one's suffering can make a person feel. But don't let that stop you from reaching out. Studies show that having a strong social support network can improve one's health.

A study published in the March 1, 2006, Journal of Clinical Oncology, for example, showed that women with breast cancer who reported having close family and friends were more likely to survive the disease than those who didn't have strong social support networks.¹

About chronic illnesses

One-third of all Americans live with a chronic illness, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Arthritis, back problems, cardiovascular and lung diseases, cancer and diabetes are the most prevalent chronic diseases. Some disease sufferers live near-normal lives with treatment. But certain conditions, such as rheumatoid arthritis, are debilitating.

Isolation and loss of independence compound the physical symptoms. In fact, people with chronic illnesses have up to a 33 percent chance of becoming depressed, according to the Cleveland Clinic. Your loved one may be unable to work, clean the house or even use the bathroom alone. He might be reluctant to go out and risk strangers' stares. Finances may be strained, and friendships may fade.

"It was difficult for friends to sympathize with my medical problems and the impact on my ability to socialize," says Nancy Jay, 34, a Chandler, Ariz., resident who has fibromyalgia, which is known as an "invisible" disease because sufferers appear healthy. "Most of my friends are working, going to school and raising families. Simply getting through my day is often a challenge, and they can't understand what I go through on a daily basis."

What you can do

"There's a role change and lack of identity in the ill person — he's no longer the person who does 'X,' " says Mountain View, Calif., oncologist William Buchholz, M.D. "Friends have to learn a new relationship, just as the ill person does."

Show your friend you value her companionship as much as you ever did. Enjoy your favorite activities together, adjusting plans as needed. Ask her what accommodations would help, such as choosing a handicap-accessible restaurant.

"The biggest disappointment is when someone says, 'Oh, we didn't ask you because we thought it would be too hard,' or 'Everyone else is bringing something, but you don't have to,' " says Shelia Becker, 58, who has multiple sclerosis and is a board member of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society's Cincinnati chapter.

"I'm still me," she says. "It's OK to ask how I'm doing, but mostly I want to talk about stuff other than my disease." So discuss movies and music and the other things you have in common with your friend or relative. Talk about your own problems, even if they seem small compared to hers, and ask for her advice.

Lending a hand

Both Becker and Jay cherish friends' assistance with daily activities. If you're not sure how to help, ask your friend or a close family member of hers. Avoid vague offers like "Let me know if there's anything I can do." Instead, be specific: Call your friend or relative and ask if she needs any groceries, invite her kids over for a play date, drive her to the doctor's office or load her dishwasher.

Get other friends and family to pitch in. You might even create a schedule and assign everyone days to bring dinner or pick up the kids from school. Make it fun, too, by gathering the group to participate in a fundraising event; visit the Web site of a related health organization to find one.

It's best to ask your friend if she needs help before jumping in, says Becker. "Offer an arm when walking, but don't be offended if she says, 'No thanks.' Be aware: If the sidewalk changes to cobblestone, offer your arm again. The friendliest help is usually the most subtle."

What to say

There's no perfect thing to say when your loved one is having a bad day, and nothing is wrong with admitting, "I don't know what to say." You don't have to say anything, as long as you listen to her and let her know it's OK if she wants to vent.

What if the sick person isn't taking medicine on time, is eating poorly or is otherwise not taking care of himself? That's a tough one, says Jay, and what you do depends on your relationship. Talk to his caregiver or a close family member first. You could gently broach the topic with your friend, but be aware that he may become angry.

What not to do

Certain things you say or do can brighten a person's day. But other actions may make him or her feel even worse. Here's what not to do:

• In a health crisis, don't shower the sick person with flowers and get-well-soon cards, which he may feel obligated to acknowledge with a thank-you note. Instead, send a "thinking of you" card and offer constructive help, such as calling distant family members or picking up children from school.
• Instead of saying, "You don't look sick" — which might imply your loved one isn't really ill — tell her she looks or sounds good.
• Avoid rushing to do things for a chronically ill person. If you think he'll need assistance, ask, "Can I lend a hand with that?"
• It's fine to share what you've read about the disease, Jay says, but don't bombard your chronically ill friend or family member with the latest advances in research. Chances are he knows about them already.
• Don't visit without calling, and don't stay too long if your friend seems tired.
• When your friend or relative expresses fears about his disease, don't trivialize the illness by saying, "You'll get better." Express your support by listening and saying, "I'm so sorry you feel bad."

Take care of yourself

Supporting a chronically ill friend or relative can take a toll on you. You might feel sad, frustrated or even overburdened if she leans heavily on you. "My illness has caused [my family members] to feel guilty they're healthy," Jay says.

A support group for friends and families of chronically ill people can help you process your feelings. Check with local hospitals and health organizations, and do an online search for the disease and "family support group." If you need time to yourself, it's OK to tell your loved one that. When you feel re-energized and relaxed, you can offer your best support.

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