|
|
 |
|
Reply
| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 1 of 16 in Discussion |
| | From: jewel (Original Message) | Sent: 7/17/2000 10:09 PM |
Right now, I want to die. I went to my College Algebra class today, and I had just figured out the one problem I stayed up all night last night staring at. But my proff was standing next to me, just waiting for me to turn it in....I just started crying. It wasn't that real loud sobbing cry, just that tears roll down your face and won't stop kind of cry. It wasn't just because of the math problem, it was just everything. I hate living like this. GOD!!!! I wish I could forget it...everything that is constantly in my head, all those things I have to do but never have enough time, all those things that are always in the back of my mind, even when I'm trying to relax. I just wish I could be numb...just for five minutes. I need to forget all these things, if only for awhile. I hate the way I live, always worrying about something or thinking about what needs to be done, I'm sick of this sober fucked-up shit. I just kept crying all through class. I sat there quietly, taking notes, or trying to-while the tears rolled down my face. I could barely see what I was writing. And then my mother comes and picks me up, because she took me off the insurance 'cause my benefactor decided to forget that I have bills and rent, and clinic dues that I need to pay. I need a bump.....a 60 thick of cocaine and tar. |
|
 First
Previous
2-16 of 16
Next
Last
|
|
Reply
| |
dear jewel, thank you for sharing and being honest. reading your post just about made me cry as i know exactly how you feel. at least dope seemed to take away alot of that pain. for me, i always have so many thi9ngs on my mind and so many things to get done and alot of it is taking care of wreckage from my past and my past makes it more difficult to get done the things i need to get done. for instance, i drive, although im not really supposed to be...but if i didnt drive, id never get anything done, but if i do, and i get caught, theyll take my car for sure...stuff like that. its just a matter of paying a fine, but its in california and i cant ever call them because it has to be during my work hours and of course, im not allowed to use the phone during work and so this problem just keeps getting put on the back burner...but i drive around looking in my rear view mirror all the time...i hate it...now, im finally getting stable on my methadone program, but my work doesnt know and so going to the clinic every morning sometimes it interferes with getting to work and i cant explain being late...although i rarely am late anymore and so it goes...all these little problems i cant seem to handle and now my roommate is giving me until friday to move out of the house. with work and methadone,,,i am having a hard time finding time to look for a place...plus, i was house sitting all week long and my ex was in town and ive had 2 freelance jobs on top of that...some days, i get totally overwhelmed and all i can do is cry...its happened to me too...just anywhere...in the middle of grocery shopping or driving and the big fuckin unstoppable alligator tears come down for apparently no reason at all and its just too much for me to fuckin bear and all i want to do is fuckin get loaded!! just fuckin forget it for right now...ive been 2 weeks now at an S-2 level at my clinic which means i get 2 takeouts instead of one, but my lock box is too small and i cant even find time to get a new fuckin lockbox so i can get my 2! they wont give it to me without a new box!! isdnt that the stupidest thing? but i swear, i have so much of this little crap that goes on in my head and now, trying to move...FUCK!! i just wanna fuckin scream!! dear jewel, im not sure if this is what your talking about, but its how i interpreted it. youre doing so awesome though...and being so young, jewel, you really have a shot at this thing...i beleive in you!! hang in there, sweetie...it will get better...you know that. my thoughts and prayers are with you. see ya. i love ya', teri |
|
Reply
| |
| Dear jewel, psychobabe already said everything, I wanna just add that, absurd as it may seem, crying IS part of the recovery. Sounds silly, doesn't it? But I know that when we use we NEVER cry, while when we stop we are overwhelmed by all the emotions that we pushed away, they don't disappear you see, they just wait there and jump out to assault us when we are weak, without junk... but then, after a while, we stop crying, our strenght comes back and we are able again of handling our emotions. Why, jewel, imagine that the first days (weeks, months..) when I stop using I cry even watching a Tampax tv commercial (LOL), but that's no joke, I really cry for everything, I feel so tender inside that just about anything can hurt me. So, like I said, crying is recovering...we should worry also when we never cry!! Hang in there and let me (us) know if there's anything I (we) could do to help. A huge kiss from sunnyside |
|
Reply
| |
| Shit this gave me an idea. Start an internet math tutoring thing. I've taught every thing up to and including calculus. Could do it using the messenger thing as soon as I get a bigger hard drive and it won't crash on me if I load messenger.
Anyway...the feeling will pass slowly Jewel. Just give it a chance. A friend of mine told me it took her a good solid 2 years of sobriety till the thoughts of dope really got pushed aside.
Good Luck,
Diane... |
|
Reply
| | | From: soupie | Sent: 7/22/2000 12:13 AM |
| JEWEL..I know exactly what you mean. I am the same way....I think that's why i got started on "H" in the first place. it wasn't too bad after quitting , but now...I've been clean close to a month and i feel alright, but i worry sooooo much..about everything..i worry about things i have to do..(that i never end up doing...even little things)...i keep telling myself i have to straighten out my life...go to college...work, but deep down ...ifeel forced because of society and this is the situation i was born into. The most freeing time in my life was actually livin on the street in Vancouver and I only did smack a couple times when i was there...because..I think i did n't have all these stupid worries of every day life. well I hope your okay ..i've been thinkin about one more hit for the past couple weeks as well...so you know your not alone.....all of us may be thousands of miles apart , but at least we know we are not the only ones...If anyoneever needs to release some steam my e-mail is open... [email protected] goodluck ..cya 8>) |
|
Reply
| | | From: 30gauge | Sent: 3/6/2002 8:28 AM |
never cry when we are high???!!.... that's the main reason that i do drugs... to cry.. and why i seattled on heroin.. heroin is my release, not escape... i hold back and put up a mask everyday.. but when i get my fix...ahhhhh... the pleasure part is nice and heroin sex is the best, but the crying is what means something to me.... my friends and i will spill our fucking guts over a few bags and a couple of rusted needles.... anyone else know what i mean? |
|
Reply
| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 3/6/2002 5:41 PM |
Sex on heroin was not bad for the 1st couple of years, but then it slowly became nonexistent..& as far as I've heard, thats the case for the majority of junkies..As far as literally crying, it did NOt exist for the entire 30 years that I did heroin!! Once I started taking breaks from the heroin, then my ability to really cry & to have great sex returned..Heroin numbs people to everything--their ability to really enjoy music, to really laugh from your gut & to cry---thats been my experience.Now if you mean that heroin allows one to be totally unihibited & therefore one can reveal all kinds of feelings & facts of their life to their friends, then I would agree with that one...But let me remind you that heroin's qualities change greatly with time...The 1st year or 2 or 3, most junkies are still sociable & go to concerts & parties etc--But very soon all that is gone , & all the junkie wants to do is be alone & do their heroin & nod off--forget the music, the laughter, the friends, the sex, the food, the family,the rent ,- EVERYTHING disappears! |
|
Reply
| | | From: Amy | Sent: 3/6/2002 7:45 PM |
while in rehab, i realized that i hadn't actually cried, at all. not a single tear, in about 3 years.. that is odd, because i am a pretty emotional person.. i don't cry much out of sadness, but i am easily moved by seniment...even so, it was shocking to me to realize how huge a buffer heroin was for me....shielding me from the rest of the world.. unfortunately, along with keeping me seperate from the bad, scary emotions, it kept me distanced from the good, exciting emotions as well.. sometimes now, even when i am really really sad....i am still glad i can actually feel things.. not just exist.. dunno, i guess i will always think there are good sides and bad sides to using and not using..i haven't used regularly in years and i don't miss the sickness, thats for sure!!! but, i have dabbled off and on over the past 5 years...but unfortunately that always leaves me wanting... and wanting and wanting.. i was better off when i didn't touch the stuff at all. trying to be an occassional user is an odd form of torture, and not really feasible, not to mention the "playing with fire" factor, but hmm, who knows.. i don't know where i am going with this.. just sort of babbling i guess.. i am glad people are starting to post again though!!!! it was slowing down there for a few days. much love amy |
|
Reply
|  0 recommendations | Message 9 of 16 in Discussion |
|
| This message has been deleted due to termination of membership. |
|
Reply
| |
| This message has been deleted by the author. |
|
Reply
| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 11 of 16 in Discussion |
|
30gauge...i know what you mean...right now i want to get high so bad just to be able to release some tension. i've been clean now for almost five months. i even moved all the way across the USA to separate myself from everyone i knew to possibly have a CHANCE at staying clean...for my sake? no! i am here for the sake of my parents...i don't think they could bear to watch their last baby dig herself deeper and deeper into a pit that there is no way out of. i want to get high more now than i did when i first stopped....i say "stopped" as opposed to "quit" because if i had it right now or knew where to get it i would be obliterated....i want it so bad...if i think back really hard i can ALMOST taste it............ |
|
Reply
| |
I feel like I'm interrupting here... let me know if I am. But you say you'd do it if you had it? Is that true? Think about it again right NOW. Do you really want to do it now? And if you're there for the sake of your parents, then you're not doing it for yourself? Do you want to stay off the stuff and quit? Or are you just screwing around with your life? You gotta look out for number one, baby, and that's YOU. |
|
Reply
| |
sometimes i do feel like i am just screwing around with my life and when i feel that way i don't care that i am....more often than not i want my life back...i want happiness and all that other good stuff that comes with being clean...i remember what withdrawal was like--every aching, sweating, sickly moment of it and there is no way i want to go back to that...sometimes i just feel like i want to get high....maybe to escape from something...what? i don't know....maybe it's just remembering how great it felt to me the first time and the second and the third...until i had to do it just to be right. that's when i hated the fact that i ever got introduced to it...now i remember the bad times, the sickness...but i remember the good times too and when i want to get high my brain blocks out the bad things....how do i keep this from happening? |
|
Reply
| |
You are so right about heroin taking your ability away to enjoy everything. Music was always what I used to feel strong when I felt down, to feel joy when I wanted to do that, driving in my car fast and jamming, going to to concerts. I went to the Rolling Rock Towne Faire and was miserable. I just wanted to sit at home and do dope. I am so glad to be on Bupe now cuz meth did the same thing. I was driving the other day with my two golden retrievers in the back and my hubby had bought me a cd and I listened, I liked it and I just cried tears of joy. Music, my music is back. Next I need to make my candles again and begin studying wicca more. but right now I have 2 and a half week old puppies to deal with. Boy they can scream |
|
Reply
| | | From: jewel | Sent: 7/15/2003 8:44 AM |
I love puppies. I love pagans. Some pagans eat puppies!!  But not this pagan. I'm so surprised to see this threat STILL going! Reminds me to pat myself on the back for being clean today. We should all pat ourselves on the back more often. If you're clean, even for 24 hours, that's an accomplishment. well........go on, right now, pat yourself on the back. If you are clean for years and years, pat your self on the back. come on.....no one will see you, just a little pat and think "Good job me!!" If you are using and you realize that you have a habit, understand the pros and cons, pat yourself on the back. You deserve it. If you're not using, and never have, but you are trying to improve yourself, that alone means a lot. So many ppl go through life without realizing or understanding thier habits. If we can't even recognize our habits, how can we decide to keep them or not? Everyone pat yourself on the back. Even if you haven't done a good deed today, I'm sure there has been a day in the past when you did, so pat yourself on the back for that. |
|
Reply
| |
very inspirational!!!!!!!!!!!
>From: "jewel" <[email protected]>
>Reply-To: "Heritics of Heroin" <[email protected]>
>To: "Heritics of Heroin" <[email protected]>
>Subject: Re: I need a bump
>Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 00:44:49 -0700
>
_________________________________________________________________
Tired of spam? Get advanced junk mail protection with MSN 8.
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
|
|
|
First
Previous
2-16 of 16
Next
Last
|
|
|
Free Forum Hosting
Important Announcement
Return to Bliss of Heroin