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Josephine,
I appreciate your post. I just re-read my post and never once referred to this site as a site for recovery. I pointed out and it was in my own opinion that there were many members in different stages of "recovery." It is a term used, but I never suggested that it was a site to come for recovery.
My only bitch would be it a place for members or anyone new to come looking for dope!
I quit using for my own reasons and if someone else makes that choice and I can offer support than I will.
My references to AA or NA were only to explain that the words of recovery were taken from that context. I call it my recovery or being clean, but don't take this site for a place of my own personal recovery.
As I said in the post, there are many who are in different stages of their lives, I don't judge. I have been there and who am I to judge what others do!
We all have to make our own choices and I hold no resentment or anger towards anyone who does continue to use heroin.
It was not something I could continue to do without it causing severe consequences for me and as an RN, I could no longer work and continue to shoot dope. I would never want to harm someone else because of my own addiction in that way of doing it as a fatal error on the job.
Live and let live...But when someone does come here looking for help, we try to give it! |
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"we do make suggestions and when someone uses the term, "Recovery," IMO they are referring to whatever spiritual, emotional, physical journey, that they personally took to stop using! " As I said before, typed text is a horrible mode to try to infer the intent of a statement from. This is where I drew that people on the site make "suggestions" about cleanliness. I have neither the time nor the patience to go back through the entire thread again, but I vaguely recall a comment about leading Brian to the path of recovery and such. I personally, am not open to those suggestions at all ~ that's speaking for myself only, though. I cannot know Brian's intent, because of the fact that he is not speaking up in this thread (cue: Brian, where the hell are you). As for my own intents, I was here (as I know you were) when there was a huge debate about users on the site, and one person in particular was very harsh to me. Even beyond that, there were members who would reply to any post about the Bliss of Heroin with, "This is not the place to post that! I don't want to read it, and neither does anyone else." or some such nonsense We had, at that time, several site members who are in very active use but were afraid to post because of the total lack of respect for their opinions and experiences. Could you blame them when that was the only reception awaiting them? I get defensive, I'll give you that. To further speak to the difficulty of defining meaning in text, I love shooting dope and right now I'm dope sick. Anyone else from the island? E-mail me did not strike me as an attempt at "copping". I thought it was an invitation to talk. Maybe I'm wrong; or, just maybe, I'm not the only one who is, at times, too defensive. Josephine
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| | | From: wopaho | Sent: 3/5/2005 3:37 AM |
josephine: i dont think that was the line people or me was referring too..the one i was referring too, was " email me someone. I'm 23 and have bein using since 17. i need a fucking hit.later" that was the one in refernce i started the reply too. where it venutred off to other lengths..i dont know.. i left it at that..your right this should be a site where people can come reguardless of their feelings or emotions.. but that one had nothing to do with either..call me a dopefiend..but kinda looks like he wanted a connect..other than that come here and bitch and moan..as far as having recovey pushed down one's throat..for those who are doing that, well it is where their at too.. i really couldnt give a shit if someone was clean or wasnt..as long as that is where they want to be. then i am in support..my only beef with "brian" is that when i made the statement to him to take his copping ways and go somewhere else he told me to fuck off..which in reply i had few choice words to say..but hey fuck him to if he cant take the hit.."bliss of heroin" doesnt really sound to blissful if one's sick eh? hope i shed some light on the matter and didnt tread on anyone's precious toes..wop |
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Josephine,
I agree that no one should feel
threatened by posting whatever is on their minds as long as it isn't
disrespectful to anyone posting. I also agree that this isn't a recovery site
but there will be discussions of recovery in different stages just as there will
be discussions of drug use on different levels. Your opinion is just as
important as the opinion of someone who interprets a posting as an invitation to
a drug exchange and finds offense in it.
Just as don't find it necessary to apologize for
your continued drug use and you are absolutely right as I will never apologize
for my past use and present recovery and my attempt to reach out to someone who
comes to HoH and gives the perception that he or she is crying out for help in
their addiction.
But what I will never do is invade their freedom
by pushing my ideals on them nor would I ever cast judgment upon anyone here as
I am living in a glass home for the world to
see.
God Bless
Claude
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Friday, March 04, 2005 9:15
PM
Subject: Re: Heroin high on Long
island
Heroin
high on Long island
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| From: Josephine |
"we do make suggestions and when
someone uses the term, "Recovery," IMO they are referring to
whatever spiritual, emotional, physical journey, that they
personally took to stop using! "
As I said before, typed
text is a horrible mode to try to infer the intent of a
statement from. This is where I drew that people on the
site make "suggestions" about cleanliness. I have neither
the time nor the patience to go back through the entire thread
again, but I vaguely recall a comment about leading Brian to the
path of recovery and such. I personally, am not open to
those suggestions at all ~ that's speaking for myself only,
though. I cannot know Brian's intent, because of the
fact that he is not speaking up in this thread (cue: Brian,
where the hell are you).
As for my own intents,
I was here (as I know you were) when there was a huge debate
about users on the site, and one person in particular was very
harsh to me. Even beyond that, there were members who
would reply to any post about the Bliss of Heroin with,
"This is not the place
to post that! I don't want to read it, and
neither does anyone else."
or some such
nonsense We had, at that time, several site members
who are in very active use but were afraid to post because
of the total lack of respect for their opinions and
experiences. Could you blame them when that was the only
reception awaiting them? I get defensive, I'll give you
that.
To further speak to the
difficulty of defining meaning in text,
I love shooting dope and right now I'm
dope sick. Anyone else from the island? E-mail
me
did not strike me as an
attempt at "copping". I thought it was an invitation to
talk. Maybe I'm wrong; or, just maybe, I'm not the
only one who is, at times, too defensive.
Josephine
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Josephine,
If you are referring to me as that person who was particularly hard on you, I don't believe I was...I believe I made some suggestions about safer injecting.
For myself, heroin fucked me up in such a way, it was either get clean or die!
Any suggestion that is made to anyone from myself speaking, comes from my own experience!
I don't in anyway and I will repeat myself, suggest this is a Board of Recovery. But, how many times have we seen the posts where someone is reaching out and wants to get clean. I don't know about the others, but myself personally am going to come from the place I know best right now; Being clean! Making suggestions to someone about getting clean or encouraging someone who is in the midst of detox is just a way of helping.
I don't condemn anyone and as I said before I don't feel this is a place to look for dope!
Hey we all have the choice to participate in a thread or not!
But, if someone chooses to discuss their experience of getting clean or their recovery from heroin addiction, should that be treated any differently than someone's choice to discuss their love for getting high?
One more thought before I close this post.....As you said, and I will put it in my own words.....It can be very difficult at times to really know wheresome is at through some of the posts! Sometimes they are vague and without sitting beside someone, it can be difficult at best to know exactly what someone may be thinking or feeling. Or, where they may be at in their head.
If I at any time posted I felt this was site of recovery, well what can I say.
You have every right to feel the way you do as I do and as everyone else does.
There were many who posted to Brian and there were many suggestions made!
I don't take any of this personally.....Just sharing my own words and from where I have been, they may not always be what you particularly want to hear.
I don't mean that in sarcasm in anyway or any disrespect. In the end of my using, Heroin fucked my life up in many ways and I did shit I never thought I would ever do! I guess it is just in my nature now to reach out to someone when I feel they are reaching out!
Call it whatever you may, I call it humanity!
Be well,
Cheryl
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| brian Im from LI. I lived in East Islip. I used to go to Bushwick to get my shite. Eldert street. Hell yeah........ Now Im in Boston. I went to stonybrook on LI. |
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((((Cheanne)))) No, silly! You've always been very respectful of me and my boundaries. I've never had any issues with you, and I fully appreciate your opinion as a health care professional. Jo |
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Josephine,
Thanks I appreciate that.
As many posts have indicated there are discussions that do take the form of what is conceived of their recovery from heroin addiction.
My own journey through heroin addiction took me nowhere good and I ended up with nothing and now face the possible surrendering of my nursing license.
I live in my own terms of what I deem, "my recovery!"
I mean that with no sarcasm, only to say that I struggled for so many years and lost so much to heroin addiction.
There was a time in my life when I wanted nothing more than to get high....I loved it, from the moment I had it in my hands to the moment I felt the pop and saw the flash.....I remember thinking to myself in those earlier years..."If God made anything better than Heroin, he kept it to himself!"
I had moments of being clean, in fact many times of in which I was able to stay clean for a few years at a time. I thank God neither of my children were ever conceived while I was in my addiction. Probably the most healthy times of my life.
But I don't judge....If it seems as if I do.... to anyone, just put me in my place!
I struggle with this addiction every fucking day and lately it is been overwhelming and I am feel so alone and scared shitless and I am clean!
Do I miss being high? No! I feel lucky to be alive!
If there is one thing in this life I have learned is their is always a new opportunity to learn and I try to keep my mind open to all different points of view. This board reminds me of that more and more each day!
Cheryl |
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| | From:  ©Sha | Sent: 3/7/2005 1:39 PM |
I'm confused..Brian never once said he wanted to score. The line.. "I love shooting dope and right now I'm dope sick. Anyone else from the island? E-mail me" Could mean anything.... What..some are reading minds now..and even if Brian did mean he wanted to connect up with someone else to cop..that's between him and whoever wanted to email him back...soon enough he'd 'get' HofH isn't into that sorta thing. But when I see the word 'scumbag' in an answer to anyone.. especially when their intent to score or cop isn't even clear..what can I say other than...how short sighted some memories are. Live and let live and try to remember there but for the grace of God go you or I on any given day. Sha |
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well said, Sha. I am very worried all this e mail bashing has scared Brian
off. He really needs our support. I'll try and e mail him later. Take
care guys. Lori (Josh's mom)
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Hey Sha,
I agree as well. IMO I believe that when Brian first posted that someone or somehow what he said what either taken out of context or it was assumed his intention was to cop dope!
I am not sure who used the term,"scumbag," in referring to Brian, but I do agree there is certainly no need for namecalling.
Sometimes tensions can run hot here on HoH and we have all had many different experiences that might lead to a heated debate, a meaningful post, or just a bunch of hurtful words.
As Josephine said and not to quote her, it can be difficult at times to assume what it is that is being said in the text of someone's post.
Maybe it is time to lay it to rest. I especially and I only speak for myself, have once again had to remind myself the pupose of this board.
It is easy to get caught up in our own agenda's. Being tolerant of others is not always easy and I have been guilty of having my own agenda and stepping over the boundaries.
Just wanted to share that!
A great day to all!
Cheryl |
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| | | From: wopaho | Sent: 3/8/2005 7:49 PM |
hello all. once again i'll own up to the name calling with brian.. i was the one who called him a "scumbag." that was after he told me to "fuck off" that was after me nicely telling him not to try and cop here..he wrote a couple of threads..so i think are misunderstanding which one the line of trying to cop, came out of..the one i replied to and started this whole debate over was one, that said, "e-mail me someone.im 23 and have been using since 17. i need a fucking hit.later." maybe i jumped to conclusions but have seen them like that before and read into..so my calculation on the matter was he was trying to cop..told people where he lived and he was sick and wanted someone to email him..sorry if i ruffled any one's feather's..but i feel brian should of been the one if their was a problem or not...so here it is..ive put up a couple of replies already to this and my final one would be this.. i am sorry if i offended anyone or crossed the boundaries with my response..i still stand firm and would do so again on the fact this IS NOT, a place to try and cop drugs.. i do respect people and their using. if they wanna be high good for them and if they wanna be clean then good for them.as long as wherever their at, they are happy then so i am..im sure as hell not some recovery nazi.. and is one of the reasons why im not one of "THOSE" 12-steppers.. i do like to get high..i dont like the fact it is high conseuences for doing so.atleast for me their is.. and i've alwasys spoken on the "I" stance..not anyone else's stance but mine. so i hope everyone is having a lovely as we are getting another kick ass snow storm here in NY..who said spring is around the corner? they said the groundhog saw his shadow anyhow and to me, seems he is the leading weather man anyhow..he's been on the money about the winter/spring thing for as long as i can remember..not that either one of them have any great presalence..xoxo wop...p.s..but look for all his threads he put of there and go through them one for one and it should clarify somethings.. i thought this was already a dead issue..none the less anyone has any bashing of sorts to say to me, about this..please dont..your making a mountain out of a mole hill and dredging up old dirt. |
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| | | From: ©Sha | Sent: 3/8/2005 8:24 PM |
Brian I hope you come to see this place for what it really is..know that you are welcome here if indeed it's a place you want to be. Timing is everything..when I first found HofH I mostly just read the posts and came to learn alot about the people who graced these walls. When I finally did decide to jump in on the posting it felt like I already knew some of them. Even though they hadn't the same advantage of getting to know me as I did them..they treated me as if they had..and that's no spam sandwhich.  Lori..It's good of you to continue reaching out to Brian. Am hoping he makes his way back here. I understand why he would feel that way..it's funny how this online thing works when we first start communicating in a group setting..at least for me it was anyway. I recall one post in particular I posted in another forum a long time ago..there were many kind and welcoming responses..except for one..being the human I am of course it was that '1,' my mind came back too and focused on. Why was that one post the one I chose to hear above and beyond all the nicer ones? Well that's easy..because I took it personally..because my self-esteem at the time needed much work and because deep down inside..whether we admit it or not..we really do want other people to like us. Whether that be in the flesh or not. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say what happened here was probably very similar in reaction..perhaps not in subject matter because Brian's post..although few in actual wording..said alot...the one I posted so long ago had a lot of words but said very little. If some people didn't 'get' that..then perhaps they are still working on the life skill of compassion and tact...or not. I'm certainly not calling anyone out...don't have to. It's what we 'hear' that illicits the responses we make..and just as I didn't agree with the name calling..they perhaps didn't agree with their perception of said post. It's all in the perception..if we surround our thinking with absolutes we leave little room for what if's. Of course I've come to realise that online communication is no different than offline..and to spend too much time on the negative is counter-productive. Whether it be the inevitable someone who rub's us the wrong way and in turn we them.. = ing friction..that's okay..because the truth is..on any given day we're not all likable to ourselves..let alone everyone else..and there isn't or doesn't always have to be a reason. It just is. Such is the life experience..online..inbetween..or off. And Josie I so agree..the written word through a machine is not as adedquate in depicting our clear meaning as the spoken..in person is. But I have to admit..clear meaning at the best of times and in an ideal situation..is still sometimes awfully bloody confusing to me.  Cheryl..I hear ya..life is about our own agendas much of the time and imho there's nada wrong with that since we have to live with ourselves and the decisions we make. It's good though to have a place that reminds us..reflects and helps make us better people by the sharing of heart and soul..the questioning..hearing..molding..making changes. It helps us all better who we are..in turn bettering our agendas to include the strangers among us. Peace 2 u Sha |
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