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| | (2 recommendations so far) | Message 1 of 9 in Discussion |
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- I have always loved heroin and I always will in some kind of perverse way. I love the way it looks in the cooker. I love the smell. I love the way the dark red rosebud of my blood blossoms in the syringe as it mixes with the dope, when I see it, I know that it's my blood, and it will soon envelope me, like a warm caress. Redemption through that blood. If feels so good. I imagine that it feels like being loved, even better. It feels like any and all things good, without any of the pain or struggle - all the pleasure without any of the pain. The needle doesn't hurt or scare me, it was my secret weapon, my trackmarks a badge of honour.
- Dope made all things worth it. It's terrible the things I've done that in the end were worth it because I scored. Heroin has given me so much pleasure, yet it has taken me to the darkest places I've ever been. Places I would have never gone had it not been for the promise of relief. A wicked trade off. The perfect metaphore for the very struggle of existence, yet my own nightmarish reality. When dope is the ultimate goal, life becomes black and white-as if drained of colour or even shades of grey, and though it started off just a small part of my life, it soon became my whole life - my day could not be over unless I had scored - a good day was when I had my wake up to boot.
- I seem to be a person of morals and ethics, or at least I feel some kind of drive toward this, I guess it's an inate part of my character, it sure wasn't the way I was raised, yet I would sell everything I own and steal from anyone I could if it meant scoring my fix. I was often reduced to doing the least shitty thing I could do, unable to do a good dead, I could at least choose the least evil option on that short list. A morality of despair. This lifestyle produced so much inescapable guilt, that dope was the only thing powerful enough to ease my guilt. I always felt better after I fixed.
- I am so alone in this world, but dope somehow made that pain bearable. I remember always feeling this way. I would crawl across glass broken against the burning hot pavement for a minute of relief from this pain. From the reality of the pain I feel every day, to the pain I feel when I look at people I don't even know who suffer and struggle just to survive. I don't know why it hurts me so to see a photograph of children starving in Africa, or closer to home to drive downtown and see a homeless person begging on the street. I would do anything to free them from their pain, but it's somehow as much a part of me as the colour of my eyes or my own name. I can deny it, or pretend it's different, but that doesn't make it any less so. It's as if I'm over sensitive. I envy the idiots that stare at the TV oblivious of the pain I see all around me. What are they celebrating? How the fuck can they laugh? Dope was the only thing that ever made it bearable.
- I've tried countless ways to become free of pain and addiction. There are still a few things out there I've not yet tried, and perhaps one day I can and will....I'm interested in reading everything I come across, and reports of Ibogaine treatment sound interesting, so does buprinex.....I wouldn't touch rapid detox with a ten foot pole...but I'm not going to put any restrictions on my future by making any decisions right now about what will or will not be.... I will say this about my life right now though, and if there is anyone out there who shares my struggle and knows of the pain I'm talking about I hope you hear me. Methadone has given me my life back. It didn't at first. I tried it several times without success. I've been a few years now on high dose methadone and I didn't feel this free even when I had over two years clean and sober. For me, methadone only worked when I accepted that I had this problem - and that it was indeed a physiological problem. That I needed FIRST and FOREMOST an ADEQUATE DOSE. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. You MUST have an adequate dose. Different clinics like to throw that term around, because it's "popular" - but it's really very simple. First of all it's not about trading one drug for another. It's about taking your life back. To quote Malcom X, "Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it." (OK so it's a paraphrase of sorts, that IS what he said, but he wasn't talking about methadone - I am) Even though I tried everything available to me in earnest, I could not seem to break the cycle of addiction until I demanded an adequate dose at my clinic. That is to say, regardless of what my 'counselor' said, I insisted my dose be raised until I felt no craving. NO CRAVING AT ALL. This takes a pretty high dose, but I'm telling you all it's worth it. Do I feel it? Well, yes of course I do. Does it get me high? Well, I don't feel sick anymore, I don't crave dope or alcohol or anything, and I have a sense of well being, it's a little bit of a 'high' almost, but life is supposed to be a little bit of a 'high' isn't it? Isn't that what natural endorphins are for? Why in the hell are we supposed to feel so damn guily about feeling good? If I hadn't fucked up my own biochemistry I'd probably be producing plenty of natural endorphins and wouldn't need anything artificial, but truth is is that I screwed up the wiring somehow, and it's just not right. If not feeling miserable is feeling high, then yes, it gets me high - but I deserve to feel high. Why not? It doesn't affect my ability to drive, or to carry on a conversation, in fact, it helps me to focus on what's at hand because I'm not distracted with thoughts of how to get relief all the time. For the first time in my life I'm able to do things for the sake of doing them. I excercise now, I study now, I do volunteer work now, I play music and create art again. I am discovering all the different aspects of my own personality that I left hidden away. I'm surprised to learn things about myself that I didn't even realize before. I have stopped chasing outside of myself for everything, and yes I still struggle, yes I'm still lonely, but I'll say this, I wish I would have approached my recovery this way from day one, because I've never been happier. I want alot more, I don't want to always be alone, I'd like to have alot more in my life...but I've never been freer of the dope and never been closer to my true self than I feel now that I''ve accepted my disease for what it is and let the medicine work for me. I simply do not know if I will need to take it for the rest of my life, but I do think that this is a very important part of my recovery from my life of addiction, and had I stuck with this part of it longer I don't think I would have relapsed so quickly in the past. If I have to take it for the rest of my life or not really is the least of my worries - and if the clinics would stop the bullshit and just let me have my fucking medicine the thought of taking it for the rest of my life really wouldn't be so bad. But I'm tired of judging myself my some imaginery standard that I've crafted out of what I believe people think of me, and accept my weaknesses and my strenghts, and love myself for both, not self love in an arrogant sense, but in the sense of accepting the greater truth that I am lovable because I don't let my own sin consume me, instead I freely confess my sin, make the best of it, rise above to do good things for others and help make the world a better place.
We all have a spiritual path in life, a road we go down, it's a journey that we learn from, and in some ways it makes us who we are. The path the junky takes is not an easy one, not by far, but those that wind up on it, by choice or by chance, are every bit as deserving of human rights as is anyone else, including people who struggle with cancer, aids, psychosis or countless other afflictions. Whether you particular struggle is one that's 'stigmatized' by society or not, in the end we are all have alot more in common than we have differences, and we are all worthy of love and respect. For me, the way out of this viscious cycle is methadone. If you need help, consider it. It can truly save your life. |
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| | (1 recommendation so far) | Message 2 of 9 in Discussion |
| From:  ©Sha | Sent: 6/7/2005 3:55 PM |
Another brilliant post Junkyard..you have a way with words..that's for sure. Have to run right now but wanted to at least respond. How ya doing...work..the 'rockin ranch'..all that jazz??? Later guy..will repost again Sha x |
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Hi Junkyard, Yep, methadone has saved me also. And I agree with you about the adaquate dose thing. And I agree about another thing you wrote, about being really sensitive. I think alot of us junkies are very sensitive, anyways its been my experience. Maybe we did heroin to kind of de-sensitize us. Alot of heroin addicts are really artistic too I've noticed. I'm really glad when I read or hear stuff like you wrote, about how you demanded a dose that would keep your cravings away. It doesn't matter if you feel 'high' from methadone. To me being 'high' is not being sick and depressed. I'm not kidding! When I was so sick from withdrawal and when I finally did some heroin, it didn't matter if I got high or not, as long as I wasn't sick. Not being sick is being high. Just to be able to live normal and do things and wake up without being sick and worrying about getting drugs. Maybe I'm not on a heroin nod, but I still feel high. Happy, ya know what I mean? Well, junkyard, keep posting. luv, sue |
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| | | From: ©Sha | Sent: 6/7/2005 9:32 PM |
"Not being sick is being high." profound words Sue. |
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a belated hey J/Y/S WHADDUPP???????? great to see and hear from you.hit me back cuz steve, |
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oh sorry blackiemackie aka "blackdog1278at msndotcom" |
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| Funny I ran across this thread this morning. I just received a reply from JYS about one of his shows I downloaded. Apparently he's been really sick but is better now and his tests are coming back good. |
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|  0 recommendations | Message 8 of 9 in Discussion |
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| This message has been deleted by the manager or assistant manager. |
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| | | From: Indigo | Sent: 8/5/2007 5:13 PM |
After struggling with Heroin addiction for over 35 years, Methadone was my savior --It gave me back some Sanity & Stability & choices.... --Very wise words by Junkyard---Thank you |
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