Heritics of Heroin

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Did my very occasional hit of junk today (I use about every 6 to 8 weeks for ONE day ONLY) & it still felt "Wonderful"..

I've been on methadone for many years now & I know that I should probably raise my dose (I'm at 36mg now)--But even when I was at 125mg I still got the itch every couple of months--It was alot less pleasurable using when I was at a high dose but it still didn't stop those every 8 week cravings--& the truth is that I'm very OK with this pattern of using--its the most stable I've felt in my 42 years of using junk--I no longer feel like that junkie who's on a daily hunt for his next fix no matter what it took--I'm responsible to my family--I pay my bills (on time!)-- I don't lie--

But to be honest I feel like I'm doing something wrong--but I think I only feel this way because society says its bad or wrong-- In my heart I'm quite OK with my behavior--I don't feel like I want to totally stop using --& I feel like the methadone serves as enough of a safety net to keep me from going wild-- I feel like I found a safe way to use --I'm aware that no using is totally safe but this way has worked for me for the last 6 years or so--Am I fooling myself? Am I rationalizing?

I'm always hesitant to mention this to other addicts at HoH or elsewhere because #1--I don't want to give younger junkies the idea thats its OK to use junk now & then. & #2-- I'm afraid that you guys will all jump done my neck & tell me I'm nuts & I'm playing with fire-- or, #3-- You'll all ignore me.

Please, I would appreciate all types of feedback--positive or negative-- Am I totally fooling myself or have I found a way to use safely once in awhile & thereby allowing myself to blow off some steam & avoid a major relapse?

My apologies if I've offended anyone's standards or anyone's belief system.

Back to a few more hours of Bliss..

Fuck Others beliefs system. Whatever works for you. As long as you are not forcing the cooker on someone else. But What I would like to add is that it is very easy to let those cravings run amok.First it's chipping and then before you know it you have a double habit. I am only speaking from my own experience. Right now you have managed to get pretty low on your dose. Congratulations! But on the other token chipping while on this low dose may get the better of you. Be careful. If you find that the cravings are pretty strong go up on your dose. If you are trying to completely get off methadone, chipping is not a great idea. My counselor told me that you will know when your dose is high enough because the cravings stop. When i got to 115 mg. I felt better, the cravings were low but i would see my husband fix so eventually I began to fix as well. Now i am thinking about going higher because I crave the shit and at the end of the night i dont feel all that great. I also know that the psyche plays an important role in this addiction shit. You mentioned that you feel like you are doing something wrong but you think it is because of society? Society is very judgemental so try and put society aside for a moment. We all have a conscience and maybe your conscience is telling you it's wrong. I mean you know all the shit that us junkies go through~ Losing what means the most to us behind using. You have come along way and you don't want to go back to that bareless junkie shivering for another fix.

Beauty4Ashes

I saw precious stones, pearls and royal wreaths scattered around me. "Was this supposed to be my life?" I asked God. But Fire came down from heaven and scorched everything into Ashes. And God answered " In Order for you to be useful; all the pain, hurt,and everything that you hold in your heart that keeps you from moving forward I must burn it away with a refiners fire. Then you will see that out of those Ashes will come forth Beauty

Can any one tell me why thay put EX user's on Metadone.And how dose it help with you?My daughter is in jail in Alberta and thay well not give her any thing for is.She is so F??? up.She said so far she is doing ok.But ha am a mom and am worried.

Loving mom, I have educated myself on Methadone and Im a member of NAMA.

Check out the NAMA site by doing a search.

You will find a wealth of information on that site.

There are some people whose brains are NEVER the same after using Heroin and with Methadone they are able to slowly put there lives back together.

With Methadone they dont have to worry about finding something to keep them from getting sick, methadone does wonders for stopping cravings and stopping the madness of chasing the drugs.

As far as your daugther is concerned there is NO medications for crack addicts.

Methadone and subuxon are both life savers for addicts using opiates.

Karen my daughter also uses Heroin.Am hoping she gets some jail time and then thay well help her.But right now she is only in Remand.Goes to court on May 23 for a other bail hearing.She just called me and told me thay want 2 grand.No am not putting up the mony.Been there done that.As her mom am glad she is in jail.That way i know she is clean and eating.For what she did she could get up to 2 years.And in Alberta if you have a drug proplem thay have programs in jail for you.Who knows just may be she well get clean now.What a hell of a way to get clean.

Stephen, Welcome to H of H.

You are absoluelty right, you are a miracle..

So many people get SOOO down on themselves when they lose there balance like you refer to it, but We can all be our own worst enemy.

Your doing awesome, I think because you accept yourself as you are and you realize that relapse is part of recovery...

Your a neighbor of Mine..

I live 45 mins south of the Windsor, Detroit tunnel, in Michigan.

I know Windsor is a HUGE place, where exactly are you from.

We have ALOT of fellow canadians in the group, Im glad you found us.

Glad you found us and Welcome! You've got a good attitude in my opinion.

You say Cass Corridor area? 7 Mile ? Well, not only have you maybe crossed paths with Karen, but most likely me too!

Especially that Cass area. Thats where I got dillys a few years ago. Did you know an old guy named Andy?

Did you know the corner of Second and Seldon? lol. small world.

A real long time ago my sister and her now ex husband lived on the cass corridor in this awesome antique looking apartment building. It was the coolest looking building. Man, what fond memories I have of that place. I think it was called Hadley Hall. This was many years ago tho, about....25 yrs. ago.

I actually grew up on 7 mile and Hoover. (east side) But that was before all the houses became crack houses. Many years ago it was a good neighborhood. Reminded me of Leave It To Beaver neighborhood.

I've been on methadone for about 3 years now. Started at 70 mlg. went down to 45 and now back up to 55. It's good to hear a fellow addict has escaped the shit life! I just LOVE hearing about stuff like that. Good for you Steve.

Hey Indigo, flapj here. Sorry for the late response. I can only agree with you. I enjoy pills and dope, their effects, the way they look, taste and smell. Getting them, doing them, sharing 'em sometimes. Hey man, you take care of the necessities first, have your system down, you like it... NO! You're not crazy and rationalizing. You've found a balance. The collective consciosness of society can be a deadly weight and fear for us, but then again, most of society aren't even awake as far as I'm concerned. They call us filthy thieving dope fiends, but all their demons are just beneath the surface of the hearts and minds were as ours are riding us or we're riding them in plain sight in secret if you know what I mean. Don't feel ashamed or nervous, do for you and yours. The idea of occasionally using dope is appealling to me on many levels. That saying "less is more" applies to taking drugs very well, for when the time comes and you decide to use, there is no tolerance, and it is not a daily thing. One is able to appreciate the wonderful feelings, thoughts, sensations, etc. all the more because it is no longer on top of them. They are on top of it. Easier said than done and certainly not to be encouraged behavior for most users. I for one shall be using off and on for the rest of my life. I abjure the law of man and it's pompous concourse of short sighted material sensationalism-environmental exploitasm/eminent domain bullfuck; paternal/fraternal, solar, oligarchic-plutocracy which is the direct reason for all the misery we have ever suffered in our lives. They bring it(drugs) in to all the first, second, and third world nations by the tens and hundreds of tons and then bust users and small fry dealers and puppet generals and prime ministers, and presidents, all and picked by the power elite and just as easily expendable, reaping the profits off of the immpossibly convoluted bureaucracy(import/export, enforcement, incarceration, and once users and dealers are convicted, the law steals users and dealers properties, assets, finacial accounts, destroying lives of families and loved ones, etc. to hide the fact that the law and "upright" politicicians got to where they are by similar if not the exact same kinds of illegitimate dealing, laundering, bribing, coercion, etc. so the good guys look like they are good, when in fact they are even more evil and nefarious using the cloak of goodness and justice while underneath the cloak are all the weapons which would bewilder and destroy the poor, the innocent, the free thinkers and doers, and laymen and women. And they call themselves our leaders. Fuck them. So on that note Indigo, enjoy your chipping with out the slightest twinge of guilt or shame because you are doing your will, living and playing the game of life the way you see fit. Your not playing with fire, your keeping your head in very sick and weird times. I hope to one day have a measure of self control as you do and my life wouldn't be so chaotic, but the universe is some kind of mental simultaneous symphony of chaos and sublime harmony somehow working/weaving the infinite realities and dimensions perforating our percept systems and 'world' at all times of which we can only comprehend a tiny fraction. Back to the subject in question though. As far as I'm concerned your behaviour, to me, is just fine. I think you've found a way to use safely once in a while & thereby lettin' off some pressure to avoid a full blown relapse/return to a habit. That's my sixty three cents worth young Indigo. Keep on keepin' on, and I will try to do the same, much love to you fellow psychonaut, with horizon beams and lightninglove directly from my solar plexus, flapjack

I am a Methdone counselor and have 8 years clean. Thank you for your honesty, however if I was your counselor we would be taking about methadone detox long term. I also have to look at harm reduction on one hand you are no longer endangering the people that you love with your unpleasant behavior. On the other hand you are fooling yourself there is no safe way of getting high. Haven't you heard of progression its only a matter of time before the way you use will no longer be enough.

Thanx Ree, Finally some real Honesty. Nothing Like a deep dose of reality before starting the day.I had 8 years clean too but i fell from grace, now I am starting over. I am pissed off at myself but oh well, i guess there is something i can learn from this fucked up experience. have a great day!

Greetings all, flapj here. I plitely disagree with Ree's statements about "progression", and methadone treatment long term. We are all different and some lucky ones manage to use and find a regimen of use which is satisfactory to them with little or no worry of progression because getting high is no longer high on their list of priorities for living their life. All the universities and the educational text books are all carefully produced to continue the status quo. They are owned by the Rockefellers an the Rothschilds and those who control the businesses who are in the business of writing educational texts decide what goes into the science, history, religion, and other various educational texts especially medicine and psychology and psychiatry. It's all more or less mis/dis-information. Do you really think that the powers tha be want any one to know what the real story is? Think again. Their game is to distort, suppress, omit, censor, to slow the average persons ability to inform his or herself on what ever subject is of interest to them. It is unwuse to place any trust in our so called leaders, representatives, senators, even city council members of our particular hometowns. They are all corrupt and are only concerned about being able to keep their hands in the cookie jar-read- lining their pockets off the sweat of the backs of the white collar slaves,the blue colllar slaves, and general laborers. The fed, the syndicate, the CIA, FBI, other Intelligence agencies, the military industrial complex, congressmen, senators, are all out to rip us all off asmuch as they can as fast as they can to take care of their own and scratch the backs of all their friends and cronies. And gues what. I could give a flying fuck. I'm gonna do what I want, when I want, just like they do. So I choose to use. So what I'm making them richer. It makes me feel good to disregard their laws about what I can thnk and do and put into my body. I'm not afraid to die. I'm not afraid of prison. This country needs to relax it's drug laws and start a socialized health program. You'll see. This country is already an almost fullblown police state utilizing surveillance and other stipulations outlined inthe the patriot acts I and II. Google them up and read them/research them. And be afraid, because you fear what should be feared. But if you know what your up against it's not quite as scary. We are all up against a leviathan, a gelatinousmass of slime and tentacles which has seeped and wrapped around virtually every facet of our lives through ever increasing regulation and legislation esigned to make almost any innocuous activity grounds for arrest with out probable cause or a warrant. This country has not been free since beginning. It started out as a playground nation building experiment for the wealthy honkies. This country is steeped in blood, deceit, lies, and genocide; it still is and always was. We've all been bought and sold many times over, over here in the shitty usa (Ugly-Sick-Assinine). I'm a doper and a pillhead and that's what I am, and what I wnt to be. I wont strive for more, that is only a slogan put down on us by those who have more than we can imagine. I do not believe a single word out of any leaders or politicians mouth. Their only job is to uphold the BIG LIE and keep the "rats in a cage" bullfuck in our heads turning us against one another when they at the top laugh and reap in the wealth off the sweat and blood of us. There is only one race, the human race. Well, there are other races beyond count and comprehension coexisting with us in our little group of galaxies of which the Milky Way is a part. Many forms of life are alive and well within the "local group" of galaxies as it were. And several have been visiting this planet as soon as it was becoming green and blue, and they still are and others have since got here. From hundreds of millions of years ago to the present. They walk among us even now on this planet, some benevolent and some malevolent. That's my fory four cents worth along with alot of digression and fragmentation of line of thought. Oh well. I'm pro drug and always will be. Guns, dope, and fucking in the streets. Let the great hordes of the unwashed awaken and destroy washington dc., pentagon, and a cornucopia of other cumbersome and useless bureaucratic agencies and buildings, especially annihilate the wealthiest of the wealthy and keep on killing until there are no rich people left. This is what I wish to come to pass in my life time. Fair is fair. We have been lied to, sent off to kill and be killed, and stolen from from birth to death and things aren't getting better. they're getting worse. So, in my eyes, anyone placing anyhope or faith in the government of the usa is completely brainwashed and more or less asleep. END TRANSMISSION. May the GREAT ALL watch over us and help to have the strength and wisdom and pity and mercy and courage and compassion and understanding and patience and endurance in hope in these grim times. Later on my fellow psychonauts, straight/clean, using, chipping, we're all in it together and heads gotta stick together. Much love to all the HoHers, flapjack

Wellllllll I dont know. I kinda like my country....I just HATE the politicians who try to run MY life!

That may not make any sense to some, but to me it does. I love this country, I love the beauty of it. When I go up north, in the middle of the north woods, it's so pretty. I love it. And when I get the chance to go to the desert, out west, it just takes my breath away, the sun sets! Just awesome!

So many beautiful places in this country and most important: the freedom to go anywhere I want without to much worry of driving my car over a bomb or whatever. And the freedom to say I HATE THIS COUNTRY if I want, without fear of the police arriving at my house in the middle of the night to question me or even take me away. Some countries are like that. So far, not this one, not for me anyways.

BUT, I know, so many stupid laws/rules. Addicted people put into prisons instead of treatment: stupid. Drugs shouldn't even be illegal for that matter.

This may sound naive or ignorant, whatever, but I'm kind of glad I live here. so far.

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