Just worry about staying off of ANY opiates--Everything else in my opinion is OK for now---watch the cocaine use if thats your 2nd choice(personally you couldn't pay me to do any form of cocaine--I HATE it!!!)

   I can't even do one drug without leading me right back to the same ole' crap. I wish that I could to have some fun!!! That's where I'm at today at least. I feel like I need some fun today! lol Just soooo doowwnn over life and the crap I've been handed. Been trying to remind myself of all the postive things that I have accomplished since I've cleaned up. I feel better when I can look at the neg's and at least smile, if that makes sense to anybody. Lately though it's getting harder to smile and alot longer to laugh at things.

   Coke, I had always said it was my fun drug. I gave it up a yr before everything else. My fun was to see how far I could go with it til I would Od. I would scare the crap out of people. I still can't believe that I thought that was fun!! I also would take H to far. I don't nod on the stuff. You can guesss what I do there. Try to get the nod soooo I would be taking a larger hit every time! Lately I have these crazy ideas that if I just keep it under control and not get greedy, I could get high and no one would ever know. Just to have a little bit of fun.....to forget about things that I need to deal with. I've been told to put my foot down and start learning how to say NO. No working double shifts every weekend, No to people that need me to drive them all over town for the day when I hadn't got any sleep, No to my son going to his dad's for the weekend, because he wants me to drive my son to his house and also picking him up when he's suppose to be coming home. Yesterday he had me drive over to Mt. Vernon to pick up my son. I figure at least I wouldn't have to drive all the way to Ferndale. I get there he didn't bring dalton's stuff down with him. Dalton wanted to go with his dad to get them. He told me he would bring him all the way down. I told him that I hadn't slept for 2 days, that he has to bring him back all the way. I guess he thought that I would give in and drive up there if his girlfriend talk to me. By this time I was in another world (lol). Someone would swear I was messed up, I even would've believed it. I couldn't sleep because I was to worried that he wasn't going to bring him down. The thing about all this is I told my dad not to let my ex pick up my son because this happens everytime. Since I was working a double shift he let him go to his dad's.

   Anyways I feel like if I fall asleep that something is going to happen to, making things get out of control. I'm not really having any fun or even being able to laugh has much as I use to. I'm one to be smiling or laughing no matter how bad things get. When it gets to much I find something fun to do to get my mind off  things. I'm upset with myself for even thinking drugs is the only way I'm going to get myself to do this.  Stupid, stupid!!!

                                    thx for listening

                                                     Angela    

Angela  --  I think its quite normal for an addict to be thinking about getting high--whether to actually act on those thoughts is a whole other story..btw, I really don't remember doing much laughing when I was in my active heroin addiction--as a matter of fact I seem to remember that I started laughing again in treatment centre where so many addicts felt as if they were laughing for the 1st time in years..Having fun doesn't come naturally to addicts when they straighten out--we're not used to it...You actually might want to start  planning time for yourself to do things that YOU consider fun--All work & no play make Angella a drag--It sounds like you have a busy schedule but if you say NO to a couple of those other people's requests then you can use that time to have fun yourself--take a bubblebath with candles & music,go dancing,bungy jumping,or whatever rocks you--try something new perhaps--You didn't straighten out to become a slave to others or a workaholic--Plus if you just continue to only do all this serious stuff, you'll really want to use more then ever..Balance is what we strive for--Good Luck & do it!

   Indigo, thnx for reminded me that I wasn't really laughing and having all the fun I thought I could have. My first real laughing was in treatment too. The only laughing I did when using was to see how close to death I could get. How sick I was!!!!

   My life right now is a drag, I know it will get better. I have to travel a ways to work and needed a new car and so I needed to work extra. The only way I can make decent money is the over-time!!! lol I want a closer job but everyone knows me on the island as a dope fien!! They don't care it seems how long I've been clean. thnx

             Angela             

Smack used to well get me down,since i,ve been off it i,m slowly feeling happier,cleaner,ambitions coming back etc etc