There was a stretch of time in my life that I really thought that I could only feel 'normal' if I was high. I could only feel comfortable in a group of people,carry on a conversation, laugh and be accepted...only if i was high.

Every time I tried to kick I had no energy, was sick and hurting, felt just like dying.Never thought it would be worth it to quit completely.

This has changed. I kicked a few times since 1999, that year was the longest I ever went without (for one year straight) but always found myself escaping into the solitude and tranquility of that narcotic relief. In 2000 I quit for 9 months.then went back

In 2001, I made a decision, a real decision made with facts and information. I had taken a program called Model of Change and during that course I made lists of why I used and the negatives and positives of using. Then every time I used that list would pop up in my brain, and make me think. Was using worth the negatives? No it wasn't.  The day I made the decision to quit once and for all was a day I looked around me, saw where I was (again..)realized I was feeling a little sick (again) and made a phone call to my bro in Alberta. He wired me money for a bus ticket. I got a non refundable ticket, but kept missing that bus. Was partying, saying goodbye to a life I had lived for 18 yrs (since I was 11 yrs old) Was saying goodbye to my 'family' down on Vancouver's lower east side.

I was scared. Didnt think I could fit in with society. People would look at me and see that I was a junkie, that I was a criminal, that I was no good.

My bro helped me with all that. He reinforced in me my self worth, he saved my life. He introduced me to his friends (doctors, professionals, good people) who accepted me and congratulated me on making it out of the abyss. He never let me feel sorry for myself though. He just let me know that he was there for me, and he loved me for me. (He hadnt seen me since i was 11) He doctored me up a resume, (patched up the places where I was too high to be working (basically from beginning to the end) and filled it in with jobs I learned to do while in prison)

I learned to be social, to carry on conversations, which is something I had not done since I was a child. I overcame my shyness when i noticed people around me accepted me for the person I am today. They dont need to know who I was, that wasnt really me, that was my fear acting out. My fear of feeling pain of abuse, my fear of people.

Today, I am accepted in society, I am employed and promoted with raises! Of course my boss knows nothing of my past. Very few people do. Only my closest friends know a little of the past.

TO get back to the subject of this letter, I can live without heroin. I feel better than I ever have in my life. I have energy, tranquility, inner peace, and a positive attitude. I dont let the small stuff get me down. Cuz I have lived at rock bottom for so many years (streets, alleys, institutions, and hospitals) I have been depressed enough to try to commit suicide every day, today there is no reason for me to be sad. I keep busy every day, I work hard, I need to work, to reassure myself that I am doing good. I go to concerts with new friends, I smile at people I see every day. I go to the mall, and movies. I go to lounges with my friends after work. I do drink still, drinking was never my problem. I never used to drink when I was using. Today I have a beer maybe once a week. I have alcohol in the house, but rarely have any.Sometimes on a hot day, in the evening before bed.

I dont regret my past. My past has made me who I am today. And today, I live without heroin.

Diana.