Thankyou Karen and Jack for your replys:-)

It has really been hard having this burden of a double life, so to find a place where i can admit some of the things that i have done in my life without the fear of being harshly judged is a huge relief. No-one i know is aware of my past/present and it is sometimes a tough act to keep up. Especially when i feel so down and sick and have to pretend i'm fine. 

Karen, the things you said about the brain needing to recover makes sense, but i have alway had  depression/anxiety issues, it seems to run in my family! I have been on different meds since about 16, and i had similar experiances to Jack where the dr. kept putting me from one med to another and the side effects were horrid. I never found one that helped. I guess it does come down to finding the right one/combination, but i don't really have the best GP. Living in a small town makes it hard to find a good one. I have been trying to go to the gym but am majorly low on the motivation front! Just gotta keep on plugging away i guess and eventually i will get there, or so i hope. Are you guys still on Methadone? What are your thoughts on quick reduction? I am so sick of having to go in to my local chemist twice a week that i think i can handle the pysical side effects but if as Karen says the brain needs time to catch up maybe it's not such a good idea? 

Thanks again and till next post:-)

Anna 

Hi Anna. Welcome to HOH. I was going to write you to wait for a resonse from Karen but I see she has already posted. She has so much knowledge and good information about methadone I hope you found her post as well as Jack's comforting.

 

My name is Lori. I am the mom of a former heavy drug user. He is clean now just over two years. He has a gorgeous baby and yes, a child is a great motivator. The only experience I have had is with anti depressants. Its important to find the right one and unfortunately the first or second is not always the right one. Listen to your body and talk to your doctor. I wish you all the best. Keep posting!  Lori

Thanks again everyone for replying,

It's so cool how helpful everyone has been. I was quite nervous when i put my first post up, even though i had gotten the general feeling that this was a safe place to talk about this stuff, it was still daunting waiting to see what replys i would get. And so far it has been fantastic:-) truely an amazing site!

It has given me a bit of a boost just knowing that i can come here and vent if need be, because really other than my doctor (who is not particularily helpfull anyway) there is no one else.

I have been reducing very quickly the last year for 2 reasons, one my doctors insistance and two, my need to be able to live my life again without the constraints of Methadone. I guess in a way i could be setting myself up for a fall but i am soooo sick of this. Plus there is the added threat that each day i go to the chemist i will see someone i know and they will find out. Like i said in my last reply, living a double life is really exausting. It's like living a lie, something i guess most addicts can relate too. I can entirely understand your reasoning Lucky about going up again in dose but it would feel like too much hard work gone down the drain, i feel like either way it's going to hurt to stop, so i may as well do it quickly. But then i don't want to put myself in a vulnurable position either. I can't imagine using again, but i have thought that before. i am also far away from the people that i was using with so that helps. 

On another subject, over the past months of reading the posts here i have noticed that in the U.S there seems to be a very different system to here in Australia in regards to Methadone. I have never had to undergo UA's or anything like that. Here we are only allowed 5 Takeaways a week and that's only after 6 months of treatment and if the doc approves it. I have heard people write about split dosing as well? which sounds like it would make reducing alot easier. We only get one dose every 24hours, no exceptions. I would love to hear abit about the system over there in the U.S (and anywhere else as well), it sounds so much more sofisticated than here!  

Jack your replys especially have given me some new ideas on how to go about this, i think therapy would be great, but it's not easy to access here. And to find a good therapist is even harder. But i will try. Journaling also sounds good, i guess it's better down on paper than in my head! I think you sould defnitly try and get on some sort of a program, apart from being better for your body (cleaner) it is less expensive and safer. I did use for a long time and work, do the playgroup mum thing and have this other life behind closed doors but its so draining to keep that up. I did'nt realise how much until i really stopped. But it has to be the right time, otherwise you end up going back. Like everyone has said children are the best motivation. I never want to hurt my son again, even not being 100% emotionally available to him is something i don't want to put him through ever again. Now i just gotta find a good plan and all will be good! 

Thanks again everyone:-)

Anna

 

Hey Lucky,

This is also my 4th try on Methadone through a chemist (in the last 4 years or so), although this is the first time i'm not using whilst on methadone! When my using was at its worst i was living overseas in Berlin so big city easy to hide, when i came back to Australia i was 5months pregnant, and brought 1litre meth with me (don't ask me how i managed to get it through customs, must have had someone looking over me!) Up until my son was born i managed to ween myself down to 10mg on my own but then his dad came over from Berlin with shit loads of gear and it all went down the drain. So my son went through hell after he was born and i was right back where i began. The docs put him on morphine and me on meth, they thought i had stopped using but my sons dad was still around so there was no hope. Basically i never had to score in Australia, i always had it around which made leading my double life alot easier. Most people i know here would be really shocked if they knew, especially my mother who is the only family i have in Australia. I'm really good at hiding things i guess, but when i'm in the chemist theres no where to hide, i get dosed in front of basically the whole shop, so if someone walks in that knows me or my mum or someone i work with it would be really fucked. So far i have gotten away with it but it really is only a matter of time.  It's a bit of a dilema, because at the rate i am reducing the withdrawals are quite constant, but i just want off the shit. So over it. I wonder if they do MST here, is it easier in regards to physical withdrawals? I think Australia is really behind in regards to opiate addiction therapy, so MST probably is'nt even an option here. 

I agree with you that it is a medicine, but there are so many predudices surrounding it, if i could stay on a level dose without it affecting the rest of my life, like family and work i would no questions. But i gotta think of my son too, as he gets older he will understand more.  

I gotta find a sulution somewhere and this wedsite is really helping, just getting other peoples views on things is great. Wow have really over rambled now.

thankyou for you reply, i hope all is well with you and that you are having a happy, safe christmas, and everyone else too:-)

 Anna

 

Hey all:-)

 

I am indeed putting myself through an insanely fast withdrawal, i am defnitly not a patient person. Which is something that has gotten me into trouble so many times before! Have started antidepressants now as well as valium to take to egde off a bit but still having constant mild withdrawals everyday. I don't think it is possible to have a completely painless methadone withdrawal, and so far i have never come across anyone who has. Hopefully someone here will prove me wrong!:-) I wanted to be completely drugfree for newyear but maybe i'll have to hold back a bit this last 7mg seems to be the hardest.

 

Tina: Thankyou for your lovely reply, and congradulations for 17 months off the gear, that's fantastic! I would love to chat but i live in Australia which could be quite expensive, and i am not sure of time zones and all that. But it would be great to talk to someone in the same boat. Let me know what you think. You can email me as well if you like [email protected]  

 

Wishing everyone here a fantastic christmas and hope all are doing ok

 

 

Anna