Heritics of Heroin

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Well, some of you here know me and my story. For those who don't ~> apologies, but I am in no mood for detailing tonight. Point being:

Every time I see an ad for a television show where someone loses a
child, I make sure to watch it.

Every time I read a headline about a murdered child, or notice the
obituary of an infant, I can't help but read the whole story.

Every time someone tells me that a friend or a friend of a friend
has lost a child, I make them promise to give the parents my number.

I don't enjoy it. All this loss is a lot to take in - and every
show, every article, every crying mother takes a piece of me. I
feel sometimes like I have no more to give, that I'm doing myself no
good by reliving the pain and trauma of a goodbye I haven't even
finished saying yet, that even what I am doing is never going to be
enough.

I'm so disgusted with myself right now; I feel like a fraud. and I
am a fraud every time I put on that brave face - you all know the
one, I'm sure - and lie to a newly bereaved parent: Oh, no - it
seems dark now, but it gets better when I know damn good and
well that it doesn't; The holidays are hardest the first few
years when I know that every god damned day is the hardest.

Browsing at MISS, I noticed the "advanced grief board", proudly
annoucing that it is a safe place for those two or more years into
the grief process, and I actually laughed. Laughed! Four years is
coming for me - I must be super-advanced. I must have a fucking BA
in misery at this point. What an accomplishment.

I'm drifting away from the subject matter here. I guess - do you do
this? DO you see the trainwreck of a dead or dying child and lack
the sense to look away? I'm so frustrated right now - it's all so
pointless.

Apologies for the rant and the language.

Josie, You are forever changed by your experiences and your losses.... Never to be the same again.....

The reason you are aware and feel the pain of others is you know how it feels, you can empathize.

You say Its hard for you to tell them things get better when in fact the pain is always there??????

Yes its there but dont you agree it gets more gentle with time????

The memories seem to be getting sweeter for me too, not all painful anymore, some of the thoughts and memories actaully make me smile now where before I couldn't bare to smile...

Josie We will never know why we are expected to go thru life with the loses we have had to live with, but I know for me I will make sense out of it and be a better person because of it...

Im sorry your feeling so down, know I care and Im sending good vibes for you, Much Love Karen

Alot of healing has taken place within me in the last few months, Im so blessed,

----- Original Message -----

From: Sprainedmybrain

Sent: Friday, March 03, 2006 1:53 AM

Subject: Re: Like a moth to a flame. . . For myself and other bereaved parents

Just wanted to tell you that reading your post here made me see that you are getting to a better place in your heart, mind and body about all you've been thru yourself.... It was so heart-warming to read as I know it can inspire and give hope to a lot of other people facing similar challenges and pain... You got it going on girl! I'm proud of you....

hi guys,, i think its good that uve still got feelings and can empathise... alot ppl experience death and becum so cold n emotionally screwed up , so to still be able to feel is a good thing no matter how bad it feels, cos at least u kno u r still alive and capable of love.. the stupidest off things will set me off now, like a sad film, but i go ott n really start to feel wot they r goin thru lmao.. even tho its not real, but things jus trigger it sometimes , no matter how trivial. kinda went off subject there, but do u get where im comin from. hope yr well... take care ... kate x

Greg, In order for you to go on you have to forgive yourself for the fuckups you made in life.

Trust in God that he will watch over your Rebekah and comfort her while your not in her life.

Life isnt over for you, or her.

You are not allowed to contact her now but i bet you any money when she is older she will come looking for her daddy.

You must be there for her when she does, clean and healthy..

I will pray with all my heart that this is possible.
I think there is a register some where, where you can post your name, address and details so if She wants the info she can get it.

Look into it, register your name and your where abouts and trust that God will answer your prayers if you trust in him.

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