Hi Suzie. You seem to be doing a lot of thinking. I really identify with where you are at, as I have asked myuself the same questions.

 

I am 47 and have 11 months clean now. I have been in and out of recovery for 14 years and I know that it seems overwhelming when you look at the big picture.

 

It took me along time to get to the

place where I wanted to make a change, and I had to realize the change was going to happen as it happened..not as quickly as I wanted it to!

 

I don't know what you lost in your addiction, but if you're anything like most of us...it's pretty much everything. Most of all I lost myself and had to learn how to take care of myself first. That was a fulltime job for me, as I had done some serious damage..Going to the Dentist or the Doctor was foreign...the eating and sleeping enough was unheard of...A JOB? Get real!!!..those normal everyday functions had fallen by the wayside a long time ago...

 

Please try to relax and take it slow. You have the support of alot of people here and if you ever need additonal help, it is available.

 

Hang in there...more will revealed the longer you stay clean...My brain was spaghetti 11 months ago, and in that short time I began to work again, and enrolled in school..(ok so my laundry pile is till like Mt. Rushmore)...but I'm gettin there...an so are you!  Peace (you are not alone!)

You will be able to function again.  Have you kicked before?  Most addicts kick at least a few times over the years.  But if you haven't, just know that you do slowly go back to a normal life after a while.  My guess is that you will never get back a part of what you've lost, but you won't need what you've lost, for 99.9% of the time anyway.  And when you're clean you open up the possibility of getting something new.  You don't have to be the same person you were b4.  There are so many experiences that you can have when clean.  To me, it's not really about what I've lost, it's about living life to the fullest again.  I remember the first night I had of real sleep the last time I kicked.  It felt better than anything I felt for the last two years.  OTOH you open up the possibility of feeling bad again too.  Not bad like on opiates, where you just feel vaguely terrible.  But instead you can get really depressed, or really sad.  You remember what strong emotions are like again.  It's a question of whether or not you're ready to really be alive again, with the good and bad of life.  Right now, we're just kind of taking a time out.

Thankyou thankyou thankyou for your replies.  I  get kind of nervous sometimes thinking about 'feeling' emoitions once again.  I think I buried a lot of stuff very deep and I really don't want to dig it up EVER.  But I suppose the time will come when that will eventually happen.  I will have to deal with a few things that I've put off by using heroin and numbing out.  Kind of scary.

luv, sue

 

Sue,

Claude probably answered your question and I will throw my 2 cents in as well. When someone uses opiates such as heroin, they stop producing Endorphins. Endorphins are a chemical released in the brain in response to pain, while we exercise, even during sex. It is what makes us feel so good. Endorphins are very similar to opiates in that they block pain, among other things. When we take opiates for a long period, the body stops producing endorphins in response to the opiates already there.  Endorphins bind themselves to the receptors, just as heroin does.

This seems to be something heroin addicts experience when they get clean, even on Methadone. The highs and lows or feelings of dread and then the feelings of unhappiness.

It is super important to stay active. I know it may be hard for some to exercise because of other health issues, but if you can, I will tell you it really helps beat the blues. All the things we can do to stay healthy, eating well, resting. I know sleep is a major issue for most and I don't sleep well myself. I just try and rest when I can. Even laying down for 20 mins in the day helps.

 

I once heard someone say that we will plan our day, but no one ever really plans for bedtime. How many times do we go to bed with all the shit we are dealing with heavy on our minds. I know it may sound kinda crazy, but it is so true and I have started doing that more and more lately. I try to plan for sleep. It is hard and something I have never done. Hell, I used to go to bed and never gave it a thought. Just did when I could or when I was so exhausted. I don't know if this is something that will help you, but it is helping me some. I just start settling things down early in the evening. I don't answer the phone if I know it may be something heavy and I try to avoid anything too stimulating like a few hours before sleep.

Just a suggestion. Funny how the little changes can affect your whole day.

 

As you have read, it takes some time to get back to feeling normal, if you want to call it that. How long? I just don't know. I think it differs from person to person. I am putting together some great information on Methadone for anyone that wants it. Some of this info I have is newer and really quite interesting. Helps those on Methadone get a better understanding of how it works and it is dispels the myths that everyone hears. I am not going to post it on the site, but will send it to anyone interested.

 

 

Suzi,

You may find that your issues just went away since then, and you won't have to face them after all.  It's happened to me b4.  Of course, it depends on what your issues are. 

 

Cheanne,

I have the same sleep problem.  I've always related it to the methadone cycle.  You take it in the morning, so you feel tired all day and then it starts running out at night so you can't sleep.  Since I've been out of work recently, I noticed that I automatically sleep during the day and then stay up all night.  It's almost unavoidable if you have no time commitments.  Even if I don't sleep the day before, I won't even fall asleep that night, I'll be wide awake again until I dose again.  When I was working I would be tired all day, then come home in the evening and be wide awake.  I would force myself to go to sleep eventually, after tossing and turning for a while, then I'd feel sick in the morning.  Of course, the alternative is not better.  You would have to dose at night, and then be sick during the day while at work.  Yuck.  But, I have found a solution.  If you get six take homes, you can drink half in the morning and half at night, or sip a little all day.  You just have to slowly get yourself back to a normal schedule by the day you have to get a refill. Unfortunately there's always that one day a week that throws you off.  I'm looking very closely at a buprenorohine prescription right now.  That should be better.

 

I'll have to try that exercising thing and see if I feel better.  I used to get a lot more exercise, but right now I only remember it making me exhausted.

chene,

that would be cool if you could email me your info on meth.  my email is: [email protected]

THANX!

OOPS, I made a mistake, my email is: [email protected]

there.  thanx again!

luv, sue