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| | From:  SpiritWolf61 (Original Message) | Sent: 10/3/2008 3:46 AM |
so strung out feel pain do not feel pain can not figure out how old I am sick world seems strange to me think I am not here they gave me drugs when I was little I only know dope it is hot they beat me till I could not see tied me like a animal I had a stroke nurse died how much more i am tired i keep getting up for what my teeth hurt asthma acting up why write do not want help lived on concret floor they cut me i am afraid of people I do not trust anyone i am a mess i do not care the ocean is pretty i love animals they killed my dog i am alone i only know pain not sorry for myself just tired going to sleep listen to waves wake up start again and again and again again forever ago i was little now i am very old |
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Hi Spirt,
I'm new, my name is Jack. I was very touched by your story. You sound like the sweetest girl on the earth who caught all the bad breaks. But you're still here and I believe there is a reason.
You had no control over so many of the horrible things you've been subjected to. (My father was the most strict, vindictive bastard who took great pleasure in beating me for anything he could come up with....) That was not my fault, I had no choice in picking a father. I was his toy to torment and take out all the "bad days at work" punching bag.
From what I understood in your words, you sound like you feel you are to blame. No one on this earth deserves to be mistreated or abused or "broken" as you said. I broke myself, all on my own and at an age where I thought I would know better. I have nothing but disappointment and contempt for myself now, even though logically I know I shouldn't.
I feel such despair that literally just about chokes me to death. For me, its the worst feeling I've ever had. Yet some times I welcome it. I was raised Catholic and I believe because of my faith, its the only reason I still keep trying. I think I'd be more ashamed of suicide than of anyone finding out I'm an addict.
This is something I wrote awhile back that kind of relates to some of what I interpreted from how you feel.....
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"When"
When will it be that no one can see
That I'm no longer here, I'm no longer me
I wish to God, to the angels and those I've loved
All those who have left me for a better place
Their peace and reward
Left me alone, to this unGodly fate
The me I knew is so lost, he's no longer here
All because of a temptation that whispered in my ear
Why did I listen, why didn't I run
A moment of insanity, curiosity, heroin, a loaded gun
Now the only thing I have is contempt, anger
Self-inflicted pain
A hate the wroils in my gut
Like a snake coiled and ready to strike
Let it bite, a deadly venom I welcome
Too tired, too much of a liar, shame
With only myself to blame
Free me from all the trials of this world
I don't give a shit anymore
I have nothing left, nor any desire to live for
Take me now, God, please take me now
Before I work up the courage to take the cowards way out
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Take care girl, you have more strength in your pinky not to mention your soul. Life has give you a wretched path but you are so much stronger than you know. I could literally feel it when I read your post.
Hang in there, Jack |
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| | | From: Rosebud | Sent: 10/10/2008 1:44 PM |
Spirit, Your words spoke to my heart... you write much like my daughter used to write. The depth of your pain and frustration... your sorrow... speaks volumns... you are a special soul of that I am certain. It is obvious to me that you a very loved here... there are many that want to help any way they can... I am among those who would love to be able to help you out of your situation. Perhaps together we could find a way... what do you think? Putting the past behind us is so hard... I understand that... but it can happen... you can heal dear heart... with love and support you can heal. I offer you these words...If we hold each other's hearts with love, much work can be done, many lives can be changed. Love is the only truth, powerful in its simplicity... Think about it. With love and prayers, Rose |
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It may come across pretentious when I say - Spirit hear's all of this. She does. Our wolf is in the woods quietly waiting - waiting for a time to show her face. Keep that close when you write to her. She is watching... hearing.... loving. Her family - our family - know that. It is important that we all FEEL that. Most of all... What more can any one say?!! I  U XXX |
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| | | From: ©Sha | Sent: 10/10/2008 3:23 PM |
 Lisa Yes Karen I believe you are close..our  Spirit was 21 this past June 9th..born in 87..I am quite sure. |
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thank you all for your love and care. yes i am afraid to trust people i try to make the step but i cannot i understand some people are good but i really know with smiles they can be very bad you trust you get hurt you die more inside each time i can not take hurt anymore i have so much hurt you can not imagine prisoner in a bad cult nightmares i do not ask for help this is why please keep caring about me you are all I have and love i found a dog homeless he looked so bad. washed him up. He is a small dog. afraid like me. I have someone to love now. He loves me too. he is brown he likes my music maybe nurse sent him. spirit please stay together because i am scared to lose you with the change here. |
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Hey Girl - YAY a cuddle buddy! One that gets you - Nurse is definately smiling. What's his name? As for loosing us, do you really think we'd let you get away so easy?!! You have a lot of email ad's, a lot have yours. There is no way we will let you slip through the gabs. One day the battle will get easier. One day feels like it's a long way away today. You have some one to love you selflessly now, some one to make you smile. (Dogs are people to you know!!) Hold on to that as long as you can. |
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 Spirit, You dont even realize it but you are reaching out for help, thats why your here.And you do trust cause you trust us.. I LOVE YOU SWEETIE. No doubt Nurse sent you that dog. Miracles and signs come in all different forms... Sweetie, keep your heart open, ALL MY LOVE Mom Karen |
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| | | From: ©Sha | Sent: 11/7/2008 9:39 PM |
A dog..a friend.. a real real friend. They are the absolute best. Angels on earth if you ask me..easch and every one. I am so happy you found each other lil one..give him a great big head but for me and hugs too.,,and for you. x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x |
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Hi, Spirit, Even though this thread is a bit older, I read through the entire thing. It nearly brought me to tears. You are a very beautiful person. I am so happy you found your new friend. This is a very good thing. I am scared of the change-over, too; but don't worry, we can't lose each other. Does anyone want to post the new board's location again? That way, we can all be sure to borrow some paper and write it down, tuck it in our pocket, keep it for the day when we'll need it. I love you all, too. This is a very, very special place that speaks to all of us in very different, but equally important, ways. Sugar_Scar |
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Thank you all for what you wrote and shared with me. Thank you Jack for the poem. You are so kind. Thank you all for listening to me. Thank you.... Love, spirit |
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Hey Spirit,
Your welcome for the poem and I am more than happy to listen to anything you wish to share. Its clear from this thread that you are a very special and loved member. How long have you been a member? I'm glad you get the love and care you deserve here. Its been really helpful to me too and I look forward to getting to know people more here. Its been a great experience.
God Bless, Jack |
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i am holding a sleeping baby so this post may be kinda messy but spirit, do you know that i think of you all the time? something about you just grabs my heart. im glad you found a little dog frirnd. i just finished reading a really good book that was about this young boy whose mother and father trained these speacial kind of dogs........he was an only child, his mother had 2 babies stillborn, then she was gonna get herself fixed so she couldnt get pregnant again because she would not be able to stand the pain of having another baby born dead but her husband said try once more and she got pregnant with the boy in the story but he was mute, he could hear oerfect but he could not talk. anyway, i bet you'd like the book if there is library around you its called The Story Of Edgar Sawtelle. it is about the kid and the dogs and its a good story. Spirit you hang on to that which you said about how there are good people in this old world, because its very very true (nurse was one) (shes with you) luv to you, sue |
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I'm new here so forgive my asking who the heck "Nurse" is? sounds to me like your still in a bad place and have been for a while, spiritwolf. Only you can get out (I'm sure you known that) SKY  |
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