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| | From:  justgreed (Original Message) | Sent: 11/20/2008 2:16 AM |
The doctors must be right about the chemistry of the brain changing with long-term opiate use and abuse. I've been ducking my resposobilities for about three weeks now under the auspices of taking my suboxone as prescribed and getting honest with myself about my where I am in my world right now. As always my intentions are true and snseable my actions are in a whole other realm of insanity. Amber and I would always make that phone call to each other on the second H free day, I could hear the need in her voice I'm sure my intentions were equally transparent. It's the depression for me as I've said before the meds keep me well physically but mentaly I get so stir crazy it's like I'm coming out of skin, the bad selfish decisions come back (some from ten years ago) and I can't be in my head, I must get out,right there,right then. After all is said and done I feel as if I've failed myself, I'll always be like this, I'll always have to remember the lies I told him and her-I'll always have two lives the dirty one and the fake one. I TRY to think of myself as an intelligent human being but my actions contradict that thought process utterly and completely. I've missed more of my life than I am comfortable with at the state's behest. I used to sit up nights thinking never again my children need me. I guess thats not enough I have probation until the beginning of January, I've been blowing her off for months,she calls me last week saying I have to come in or it's violation time. I blew her off I did grace her with a voice-mail canceling until this Friday ( all junkies should police there own probation we know best). I kept telling myself I can't use I really need to do this probation thing,it's almost over, oops my piss would melt a cup because I know best how to handle my disease. I think the whole point of my ranting here was to admit I have no control over anything because I choose madness over sanity. My choices are my own but the process of deciding is my diseases' at this point in my life. I am desperate for a real state of living not just exhisting I am so lost I just can't seem to find my way. I am numb to to consequences till they are upon me, I am truly afraid that there is no other path. because I knocked the sign over, has anyone seen it, will you let me know, I want to get home to tuck the kids in. |
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Just, how long have you taken suboxone at one time? Maybe if you can take the sub for at least 2 weeks without missing a dose you might be quite surprised at how you feel?? It helps immensly with all the bad feelings and cravings, Love Karen  |
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Hey Justin, I hear everything you are saying and buddy, you are a very intelligent guy. Don't let your doubts and motives allow you to feel otherwise. As you said, you are dealing with some pretty heavy stumbling blocks. Being bipolar and having such a strong addiction combined sounds like it has your self- esteem backed into a corner. I know the lost feeling and I know that everyone here gets that too. At one time, I was so lost it sucked the life out of me. Have you ever been driving somewhere and you actually forget how you got from point A to point B? Your mind is so full of all kinds of conflicting feelings and you're so deep in your thought process that suddenly, you arrive at your destination without remembering what you passed? That's kind of an example of my own feelings of being lost, receding into the background, isolating myself because I don't want anyone to see that depressed, empty eyed stare on my face. I get to feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed and begin to wonder if anything really matters. When I get to that state of mind, I pray for hurricane forced winds to blow in one ear and carry out all that shit through the other ear. Hasn't worked so far so I just have to wait it out and try and not let it get the best (or worst) of me. As you said and how I took it, its so immobilizing and for me, I just want to stick my head in the ground and pray its clutches slip and I can escape it - the depression, shame, guilt, frustration that I can't control my actions. It all sickens me, mind, body and soul and I fucking hate it. I'm still having that un-nerving feeling that death is all around me and I can't seem to shake it. Its freaking me out because I've known in the past when something bad was going to happen and it always did. Even as a child. I keep remembering knowing a car was going to come speeding down my street and was going to crash right into this tree in front of my house. It happened the very next day and I was riding my bike and knew to move from this spot about 10 minutes before it actually happened. So my paranoia, depression and isolation have been having a threesome and its a fucked up combo. I get very quiet, don't want to chat with customer's at the bar where I work, just do my job and try and hold it all together in my head. My co-worker's ask if everythings ok and I can't think of anything else I can say other than "its just one of those days". There are people in my life that have been so supportive and caring and I feel like I'm disappointing everyone because I just can't seem to pull it all together. And the death thing - I don't talk about because I know everyone will think I'm in need of another "vacation" at the pyshe ward. Justin, I really get how you stated that you have the best of intentions but they are all over-ridden by our disease. I'm disappointing other's but most of all myself and it becomes a vicious cycle of self-loathing, fear, disgust and anger. I think every addict who is trying to get their life squared away all have the best of intentions too. But the strength and power of our addiction can over-ride that so easily when depression has you by the throat. Are you and Amber getting any counseling or therapy? Its not a cure but it gives you some good tools fall back on when you're resolve is tempted. What is the most important thing in your life to you? I know Amber is and I know from what you posted that you really want to be there for your kids. Try and focus on that. They need you in their lives, you sound like a loving dad and like you really want to be there for them as they've already missed a lot of time with you. As you know, there are so many trigger's that make you want to use. Find one that makes you able to fight that trigger and redirect it towards the needs of your family. You are lucky you have one. I wish to God I did. Keep your head up buddy and post, post, post. Sometimes just saying what you're up against is a release in itself. Holding it in just allows the cycle to run rampant and as you can see, its so self-defeating. Hang in their buddy. You're a strong guy with a heart that your family is blessed to have. Don't get so down on yourself. That's my gig.......and unfortunately I'm feeling pretty selfish and don't want to share it. lol (Not!) So I guess what I'm trying to say is to get out of your head, go for a walk when you're feeling like shit and pray for gale force winds to clear your mind. God Bless, Jack P.S. Now if I could only follow my own advice...... |
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wait a minute are you both living my life ? The only difference is I am a girl.I guess I want you both to know how not alone you are in your feelings your actions and your life. I missed the most important things in my sons life , his first day of kindergarten, I was way to high to go, I missed the pumpkin patch day, again to high, anything that had to do with a mothers or a parents particapation.....................yup, missed it all, including his little Grad from kindergarten, again to high. I miss tucking my boy into bed .Now some other lady does it, I lost my custody,. That is pain in the raw. Your post made me cry because like I said you are living my life except I am a girl, take away the genders and we are the same I feel your guilt your shame. I go back years ago to think why??? why??? your not alone, my whole life if full of regrets, but hope is my only friend right now that and just plain not thinking about everything, thank you for your post, I needed to go back in my mind so I don't get to comfy with myself and where I am in my addictions I pray you are well keep the faith people DO care for you even though we have never met..................... SKY  |
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| | | From: EX | Sent: 12/8/2008 6:06 AM |
Hi everyone.............. 22 years addicted to H-- 10 years clean ( actually a little more, but I quit counting awhile back) Good God in Heaven, I know just where you all are coming from. Knowing what I must do, yet procrastinating and somehow hoping the shit will take care of itself. The insanity of my existance, all my friends , associates and junkies across town are gone. yet I still sit here dwelling on what it really is all about and how I fit into this puzzle of each breath and another day of survival. SURPRISE.........The Jokes On ME!!! unless the skys open up and a booming voice yells in my ear I won't know till it's over. So, a couple words on how I find my way. I stopped looking for acceptance or approval from people around me. I do the things that I know I should do, and this usually works much better when I give it NO though whatsoever. just get the fuck up and do it... because if I think about it .I usually try and find a way around it, postponing it, or just not doing it all together. Forgive me! I'm also a little depressed tonight......... but as I heard a precher say a few days back, at a funeral for a friend. "You know why God put our eyes in the front instead of back of our heads? So, we can walk away from the past and always be looking forwards!" Sleep Well My Junkie Friends...........I'm callin it a day! Disconjointed thoughts...............ahhhhhhhhhhhh.............Sobriety! LOL  Love To All Ex |
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Hey Sky,
You know, I think you brought up a very true statement about addicts. Like you said, take out the gender factor and we're all living some part or phase of an addicts life. That is what drew me to this site.
I read so many different people's posts, males/females and the stories, experiences, regrets and all are basically the same. But as you pointed out, the one common thread that we all consciously or subconsciously hold onto is hope. We have to.
We have to deal with our here and now shit but we also need to look back at times (loved what Ex said about that) to see how far we have come and then dig in and look straight ahead, keep moving and hopefully, change our circumstances.
Also, what Ex said about getting out of our head's and when something needs to be done, stop thinking about it, just get off our ass's and do it. That's my problem a lot of times. I wonder why it would even matter but 95% of the time, something called hope pushes me forward. And I'm almost always glad I just got off my ass and got it done.
I have my religious beliefs. I do have faith in God and when things turn to shit, I tell myself "For whatever reason, I have to go with 'this' and in the end, it will all make sense." At least I hope so.
For me, this site also offer's some benefits of reading how other member's handled certain situations, what worked and what didn't. I can take what resonates with my own life and it helps me to work out the best way to handle things.
Sky, I'm sorry you're so depressed right now but its sure understandable. I know you must really want to have your daughter for Christmas. Do you get any kind of visitation? I say some prayer's that you do. Hang in there and I'm glad you posted.
God Bless, Jack |
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