Karen, I want to say I am so concerned about you. I am writing this publicly so anyone else can put their 2 cents in also.
Karen, your son is dead. Gino has made his choices and thru no fault of your own, he died. I know you would have given your own life in exchange for his, but it was simply not to be.
You have been here in Heretics of Heroin long enough to know what a hell he lived here on earth. Honey, it was not your fault. You did nothing to make him use heroin or to die. You did not put that heroin in his hand or inject that needle into his arm, He did. He chose to do it, fully knowing any day it could be his last with a bad batch or by an overdose. This is not your fault nor the fault of your husband or your other children or his friends. Gino did this to himself. He died because he used heroin. He died because he was an addict.
He didn't mean to die, He probably loved life as much as the rest of us. But to be a heroin addict is a really shitty thing. It hurts just to get up in the morning and to start the vomiting and the sweating and all the pain all over again, everyday, every day the same rat race, where do I get the money, how do I find my contact, man, I feel so sick, who am I going to have to steal from today or lie to or hurt once again, or mug or possibly kill if things go wrong. Am I going to be caught shoplifting again, to whom am I going to have to sell my body to one more time. I Just want to feel normal like the rest of the world. I just want the pain to go away........................... I just want a fix, it that so bad??. Am I so bad?????
Karen, I am being brutal on purpose. I don't want to hurt you but Gino's life was really shitty thru no one's fault. He just wasn't strong enough to keep going on. He didn't want the help that badly. Or he would have gotten it and changed. He knew the programs were out there. He chose not to go. By making no decision for healing he still made a choice. Gino did not choose life, Karen. He chose by his lifestyle to die. Not planned or anything like that but he still made that decision.
Karen, I am praying for God's waterfall to be flowing thru you, washing the pain out of each cell in your body. I see the pain being washed out and the frustration of your not being able to demand life for him and for the guilt to be washed out of you. I see God's waterfall pulling out the suffering out of you and the anger that he wouldn't get help for himself. I see the fear sliding out of you with the water, the fear you lived with so long, the fear that was present every time you looked at your son or wanted to help him or thought of him. I see the hate sliding out of you for making you suffer like this and I see the confusion, the yearning to help him leaving too. As each cell in your body is being cleansed, I see them being filled with love and sun light and peace, the peace that passes all understanding filling you from your feet to your head. God has special things for you to do to help other people like Gino, but you can't do that work until you let go of all the other stuff and feelings.
I pray that each time the old feelings come up and they will come up again and again, that God's waterfall be falling on you again, finding each crevice the pain is hiding in and washing it out. I pray that in it's place, the peace that passes all understanding fills you with strength and calmness. That you be filled with strength, love and purity in your mind, body and spirit. I pray you will be a light for other addicts to come and drink from, to help them find peace after fighting the fight for too long. I pray for you to have God's protecting hand upon you, keeping you safe from danger and harm in some situations, that you may keep going on and do your work in Gino's name.
Gino will never be forgotten, he will always be in your heart and you will always have him. I love you Karen, mrssusie
Anyway, I read this to my son today. I could hear him crying and blowing his nose. All this when he was at work. I told him unless he made a decision to stop using and get the help he needed, someone would have to send this to me one day. Folks, friends of mine, Please pray with me and that this impacts him the way it was meant to. I do have hope. mrssusie
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