and, with it, cessation of all emotion.
and stiletto heels.
no hint of recognition of this woman in the mirror.
until the vein bulges purple and beckons unto me.
and shiver in orgasmic relief.
heavy lidded,
lethargic-
nodding in and out of a dream like state....
sunlight filtering through the leaf laden branches,
dappling across chubby wriggly baby toes.
idly gaze follows up and then,
startled,
fixes upon angry purple welts crisscrossing plump baby calves and disappearing into the cavernous chipped dirty white cast.
head slumps, chin on chest,
deepening nod into stuporous state.
unknown time elapses.
as if from a remote region across time and space,
the barely discernible whimper of a young child
stirs and tugs within-
rousing with some difficulty,
noting the dirty small feet protruding from the torn hem of a flannel nightie,
those feet edging backwards and then
flooded with a hot stream of urine as a single shot rings out accompanied by the agonized yelp of a dying dog....
the darkness falls again,
settling like a velvet drape,
blocking all sight and sound....
langurous movements, readjustments as the spike thrusts deep again....
murmurs, low chuckles, throaty gasps-
narrow thin feet encased in ridiculously high stilletto pumps,
fishnet stockings wound around shapeless legs,
skinny and pale,
attached to garter belts of black satin with sequined hearts-
camera flashes popping, red taffeta sheath comes tumbling down from prepubescent body
marred with scasbbed and crusted track marks...
slipping back into veiled consciousness,
head lolling about on shoulders,
warm honey coursing through scarred veins...
the welcome grey mist fogs and blurs all sight, all sound....
buzzing flies darting down on face,
efforts to rouse, to shake off the pests-
immobilized, unable to rise...
heavy leather cuffs bitingly grip ankles, puffy and bruised,
spread eagled on metal frame of hospital bed.
thrashing wildly, cannot break free....
plummeting back into the murky depths,
this ride paid for by white coated sterile clinicians-
clouded and numbed.
distorted dragging sounds of a battery-depleted lullaby,
peering through the bars of a wooden crib---
on faded Winnie the Pooh sheets
lies a tiny cold bluish and stiffening baby foot, dsarkly mottled on the underside.
Screaming and frantically diving back into the abyss,
scrabbling for the darkest depths,
ragged breath sounds quieting into raspy shudders and then stilled.
{this is where this departs from my autobiography}:
wheeled out on a gurney,
encased in the heavy dark green confines of the tarped bag;
tag secure on the big toe.
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