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| | | From: saphire (Original Message) | Sent: 12/28/2002 4:10 AM |
Hi Guys, How was everyones Christmas? Mine was o.k. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I should be happy. But I am not. I have been sooooooo busy worrying about my sister and keeping you guys informed about her and all, but I have not told you what has been going on with me. Some of you may know that I detoxed off the Methadone. My last dose was Nov. 9 Seven weeks ago. I still feel like shit! The doctor gave me Clonodine which helped me alot! I used it for the first 5 weeks or so then I stopped. I didn't think I needed it anymore. Plus I heard it zaps your energy so I stopped using it. Well after 2 weeks I started taking it again. Or wearing it rather, it is a patch. I was just sooo restless and agitated without it! And still had no energy anyway. I do feel better with it than without it, but I am so depressesd. I don't want to do ANYTHING . I have to force myself to eat even.And I take my vitamins.But I still have NO energy! I lost my waitress job that I did a few nights a week. Because I failed to show up too many times. I work days also as a cashier. And between the 2 jobs I was so stressed out all the time and was working too much anyway. But I really needed the money. Now I need to find another job. I guess I should mention that I have been smokong crack quite a bit lately also. I smoked it occasionaly when I was using heroin. And even a few times while I was at the meth. clinic. But never this much! I crave it all the time now. And my fiance is fed up betwen my depression and using drugs again! He is threatining to leave. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy again. I want to wake up and feel good for a change. The hardest thing for me is when I wake up in the morning and have to get out of bed and face the day. I know alot of people have it alot worse than me. But that doesn't make me feel any better. That didn't sound right. But I think you know what mean. I know I need to see my doctor and get on medication. It just seems hopeless. I just needed to let you all know whats up with me....
 Saphire |
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Dear Saphire,
You definetly need to go to the doctor and tell him or her in
these exact words what is going on with you. I think God gave you and your
sister a chance to see through the shit.
Before my son died of a heroin overdose in Oct. He almost did
in June. He was found unconcious not breathing on the brink of
death. I hoped that a doctor could deal with the depression he
was feeling. Then when he would screw up and get high he would feel even
worse.
Since his death i have been on anti-depressants and
tranquilizers to deal. But i have to deal, beacause it is the only choice
i have. Please tell a doc everything, be firm and tell him, because if
they can deal with the depression the rest will fall into place. Maybe you
don't think i know what i am talking about because i never used heroin, or
crack, i just know that you have so much to go on for and i care. Love
Karen
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Friday, December 27, 2002 8:10
PM
Subject: So depressed....
So
depressed....
Reply
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| From: saphire |
Hi Guys,
How was everyones Christmas? Mine was
o.k. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I
should be happy. But I am not. I have been sooooooo busy
worrying about my sister and keeping you guys informed about her
and all, but I have not told you what has been going on with
me. Some of you may know that I detoxed off the Methadone.
My last dose was Nov. 9 Seven weeks ago. I still feel like
shit! The doctor gave me Clonodine which helped me alot! I
used it for the first 5 weeks or so then I stopped. I didn't
think I needed it anymore. Plus I heard it zaps your energy so I
stopped using it. Well after 2 weeks I started taking it again.
Or wearing it rather, it is a patch. I was just sooo restless
and agitated without it! And still had no energy anyway. I
do feel better with it than without it, but I am so depressesd.
I don't want to do ANYTHING . I have to force myself to eat
even.And I take my vitamins.But I still have NO energy! I
lost my waitress job that I did a few nights a week. Because I
failed to show up too many times. I work days also as a
cashier. And between the 2 jobs I was so stressed out all
the time and was working too much anyway. But I really needed
the money. Now I need to find another job. I guess I
should mention that I have been smokong crack quite a bit lately
also. I smoked it occasionaly when I was using heroin. And even
a few times while I was at the meth. clinic. But never
this much! I crave it all the time now. And my fiance is
fed up betwen my depression and using drugs again! He is
threatining to leave. I don't know what to do. I just want
to be happy again. I want to wake up and feel good for a
change. The hardest thing for me is when I wake up in the
morning and have to get out of bed and face the day. I know alot
of people have it alot worse than me. But that doesn't make me
feel any better. That didn't sound right. But I think you
know what mean. I know I need to see my doctor and
get on medication. It just seems hopeless. I just
needed to let you all know whats up with me....
Saphire | |
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| | | From: Jenbl4 | Sent: 12/28/2002 11:36 PM |
Hey Saphire,
I'm on methadone. I got off a couple years ago, but in a really stupid way that I won't go into right now. If you look at some of my posts I talk about it.
You've been off the meth for 7 weeks which is so cool!! Just hold on a bit longer. You're energy should be creeping back any day. I know the feeling though. It sucks! That dragging feeling all day every day. Have you tried emergenC. It comes in little packets of powder that you mix with water and drink. They work pretty well. And if you can get acupuncture done that also works. Just know that this won't last forever. It's almost over.
I have a few questions for you if you don't mind.
Did you come down slowly? And over how long a period of time? Are you sleeping ok? Did you go into rehab or anything once you got way down on your dose?
Well, I think that's it. Take care Saphire.
Jen
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| | | From: saphire | Sent: 12/30/2002 5:32 PM |
Hi Jen, What exactly is emergenC ?? I tried some energy pills I got a a health store. They made me feel like I was having a heart attack! lol To answer your questions, I was a client at the clinic for about 6 mos.My highesr dose was 45mg. I stayed at that dose for about 3 months, then started going down slowly. The last 2 weeks were hard because I went down 1mg. every other day! Too fast, but I didn't have the money to keep going to yhe clinic and I thought I could handle it. A doctor gave me Clonadine. It is really a blood pressue medication, but it helps with the withdrawal symptoms. Plus he gave me Remeron, an antidepreesant, and that helped me to sleep. Without that I slept maybe an a couple of hours a night. My energy is starting to come back now. The depression is now my biggest problem. I stopped taking the remeron when it ran out. but I just started taking Paxil just a few days ago. We will see if that helps. I never went into rehab, I was working 2 jobs at the time. It was so hard! I did take a week vacation from my day job though! How are you feeling now?? As far as your moods go? I am worried because of the way drugs change your brain. I worry that I killed all my natural feel good chemicals and will never be happy again! How did you cope with that?  Saphire |
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Reply
| | | From: Jenbl4 | Sent: 12/30/2002 11:35 PM |
Hey Saphire,
I just reread my post (before) and I wasn't very clear at all, sorry.
I got on the MMTP about 5 years ago. I was clean for about 2 years while on meth and decided it was time to get off. Well, I did this thing called Ibogaine. It was an awful experience and didn't work the way that I had really beleived it would. I stayed off of methadone for about 4 months and when I found myself strung out again I got back on the program. It was so hard to get back on. I really thought that I was done with both methadone and heroin forever. I guess I wasn't. I had accomplished so much in life and then found myself right back in the mix. Anyway, now I've been back on methadone for 3 years. I'm doing really well. I started out at 80mgs and now I'm at 40mgs. I'm just going down really slowly. I'll get off completely when I really feel the time is right.
Wow, I can't believe you were able to work two jobs while detoxing. I know how hard it is. You just feel like hell. But, it so great that you've come this far! Congratulations!! I can't wait till I can say the same for myself.
I know what you mean about the mood thing. You're body will repair itself. It just takes time. But everyday that passes brings you closer to that "normal" feeling we all crave. I'm so scared to get off meth again and hearing that you've done it gives me hope! Take care, Saphire
Jen
Oh yeah, EmergenC is vitamin C and a bunch of other stuff. You can get it at the health food store. I've taken supplements too that have had a wierd affect on me. But, I took emergenC while still on meth because I had absolutely no energy and I was skeptical, but it really did help. |
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Reply
| | | From: Jude | Sent: 12/31/2002 1:42 AM |
Not hopeless, Saph, just hard. Keep talking. Love, Jude |
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Hi Saphire, I just wanted to reply to your earlier post. I have been on MMT for abour 2 1/2 yrs---MUCH longer than I originally hoped--but the change in my life has been so phenomenal I havent even considered a dose decrease until the last month and I just filled out my tapering plan today to start after the 1st of the year. I am very involved with advocacy, but I am a nurse whose license has been suspended and I am ready to get a reinstatement and I cannot have methadone in my system under any circumstances to be reinstated. We are also going to look into oralaam for this reason but I may need to detox anyway to be safe. I understand the need detox for financial reasons--i have been waiting tables for the last couple of years as well--but isnt your increased crack habits costing you quite a bit more than your MMT was now that your off MMT all together? I,at one time, smoked quite a bit of crack but since on MMT have had very few cravings at all--esp. for crack. The lingering listlessness also may indicate that perhaps your detox was a bit premature. Just a thought for you. Also if antidepressants dont seem to be helping after 30 days or so maybe you should go talk to your old counselor or someone at the clinic that you used to attend for some input to your particular situation. I find that if I ask for help from enough people, I can find a solution from at least one source, or usually a combination of 2 or more sources, that work best for me. I have been on and off wellbutrin for 5 years and I found that the wellbutrin/MMT together work better than either one ever did by itself. Just a thought, susan |
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| | | From: Echo | Sent: 4/23/2003 7:57 PM |
god I can relate to this. First of all I'm new here- today's my first day on this group. I'm 25 and Feb 11 I got out of my first detox for heroin. I cant say things have been very good since then. Quite bad actually. When I first got out it was terrible- NO energy. I felt like a 90year old woman. I got my energy back gradually. I think the prozac helped a bit. Also I'm prescribed xanax which helped a bit, even though i dont take them much anymore. I started using coke whenever I could, because I'm not very fond of it in the first place, and I just needed SOMETHING. Well that started really making me depressed Saphire you said you've been using crack. well i've never been a big coke person but I'm telling you it made my depression a million times worse. Also, I never in my entire life, until now, had experienced depression (i mean besides the occasional bad day or whatever) this is all new to me. I did go to meetings and a counselor for a minute but stopped. Then I started using H again, occasionally. Now I'm in agony constantly between uses- both physically and mentally. I guess what I'm really trying to express here is that i am in a really BAD head space and lately i'm wondering why the hell i should even try and be clean. When I had a habit yeah it wasnt smart but i felt hella lot better than i do now. thanks for listening and saphire stay away from the crack if you're depressed, girl. Oh, and like you and your fiance that is a major issue in my life right now as well...... i wont go any further. peace out Amy  |
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