hello hello

 

well, here is my words of wisdom for the day (i use the wisdom word loosely). It is easy enough to stay clean in a protected environment, such as rehab.. if you find it difficult in your "real world", you could try a 1/2 way or 3/4 house, which helps you step back into life gradually..if that is not an option, you just have to do it.. but how?

 

First, just because you think about using and want to, that doesn't mean you have to.  I used to get ideas in my head and run with them right away, before thinking them thru.. until someone told me a silly story about 3 frogs sitting on a log.. one frog decided to jump.. how many frogs are on the log now? still 3.. you can want to use, think about using, and even decide to use, but until you actually follow thru on any of it, you still haven't done a thing.  You can still be the frog on the log. I was told to always think about how I would feel the next day. would i feel better or worse? Why do something that will make me feel worse?

 

Trite I know, but sometimes simplicity works.  Most importantly be honest with yourself. If you have determined you are an addict, you can not do the "one last time" thing.. don't even think about it, cuz it ain't gonna play out that way. Has it ever worked that way before?Find a network of people who you can talk to.  Some people choose 12 step programs, which are the most well known, but there are other programs out there too. It is important to have people to talk to when you are feeling weak. 

 

I have found though, even with all the support in the world , I ultimately make the choices that affect my life. Instead of running off of emotion, and making decisions on how i FEEL at any given moment, I have to determine what choices are going to get me where I want to be.  I have certainly not PERFECTED this yet, but hell, i am a lot better than i used to be.    

 

ANyway, enough of my babble.. hope everyone is well.. hang in there honey, you'll be alright

 

GLitter 

that's rawesome that you got 30 days cause now you know it's possible.

I feel for you, I was a relapser for a couple of years before I managed to put it down, hopefully for good. I went through detox many times, rehab twice, and  recovery house, and I still relapsed.  Those facilities are good, but I think the desire to stay clean comes from within.

What has worked for me this time around was going to lots of NA meetings and keeping myself busy.  I went to probably 3-5 meetings a week for the first couple years, and I still go to NA meetings a couple times a month. That's good for support and understanding. Not everyone likes meetings, but they can be helpful, especially in the beginning.

Other than that, try to be nice to yourself, and be proud of yourself for the small accomplishments. It's hard to go without dope, but you can do it if that is what you want.

Another  thing that helps me is telling someone when I feel like using, it usually takes some of the power  away from the craving.

My thoughts will be with you, try to stay in the moment, and remember that eventually the desire to use always goes away.

 

You can get those 30 days again if you wish, but you'll still have to do it One day at a time..& don't look at it like you failed because you started using--it really is a process & we learn something every step of the way, even when we use again..But sometimes & for some people, total abstinence isn't a realistic goal, & thats OK too..You'll know whats best for you & whats possible for you...Myself, I still need methadone & some weed or hashish..But after 30 plus years of heroin, I look at myself like a success..Screw those keytags, chips & medallians..People are either trying to better themselves or else they're just floating through life totally unaware & clueless..It sounds to me like you want more out of life..You can do it!! .....indigo

It would seem to me that we get to the place where our using days have been fucked up for us by exposure to 12 step programs or by witnessing other ways of living without dope.  It introduces  a dischord inside our very soul and while we may continue to put dope in our body, never again can we reach that nirvana previously available to us.  The party is over.  How then do we reconcile the compulsion to use despite the cost to all we value and the obsession of sqirrel caging thoughts that chase our tails round and round with this embryonic desire to find another way to live without active addiction?

I'm not sure that there is a clear cut one-size-fits-all cookie cutter answer, in fact conversely I am sure there is not.  But a couple things would seem to be true no matter what approach one may take.  We are never cured or permanently relieved of rhis gorilla; the potential for resumption of self-destuction one hit at a time remains.  That's where glitters suggestion of one day at a time comes in to play.We can at best hope for a daily reprieve and must reaffirm our decision to pursue a life of "recovery" however we define that for ourselves.  Second, our best intentions and strongest application of willpower seem to be insufficient when we come up against the insidious voice of our drug of choice sweetly calling our name... despite how hardheaded or stubborn we may be in all other areas of our lives.  It would seem to me that one must find something outside of oneself to lean on, to draw from a courage not of oneself to be able to withstand those cravings that come.  And thirdly, I believe that we need the support of others who have personally been in the belly of the beast and found another way to live who can offer us real meaningful support.

I wholeheartedly agree with indigo that complete abstinence might not be workable for all people for various reasons.  I have never personally found a way to do a chipper's gig without it quickly escalating into a monster jones but have found contented "sobriety" in methadone maintenance although I also know at other times I just added methadone on top of other drugs being abused and got like a double habit which was pretty miserable.  For me personally methadone in itself by itself was insufficient for me as "recovery" as I was on a clinic for years while continuing to use. Later it  was very helpful in eliminating "drug hunger" in my early years of recovery while I also earnestly attempted to examine and resolve other core issues which had been masked to a degree by drugs and laid a foundation of making changes in my head and in my lifestyle to support ongoing recovery.   I went on to detox off methadone in 1994 and did fuck up for about 24 hours but will be clean 7 years on Friday.  (2/1/95 is my clean date)  I am back on methadone now but do not consider myself to have lost my recovery or my clean time.

I would encourage you to use this bunch at HOH as a support in your expressed desire for recovery and to explore building a network of support in your local area whether it be 12 step groups or a methadone clinic or just a circle of understanding friends.

Peace out, freee

its weird,  i found a lot of wisdom in 12 step programs and i agree with freeespirit, it changes your perpective on your using. makes it pretty difficult to justify. but it wasn't my "answer" persay. i was totally clean from all drugs and alcohol for a few years, but i didn't address some of the other issues that were underneath.. i happened to have been involved with a 12 step "clubhouse" that was very hard core about only needing the program and if you can't be happy and get it together with 12 steps only, you are not doing it right .. well, i would berate myself for not being happy.. my self esteem plummeted.. as if it could have gotten any worse!! plus, i wasn't looking for total abstinence and i don't think that was necessary for me.. not with all chemicals.. for instanance, i have never had a problem with drinking... 

eventually i realized that the ACTUAL goal was to have a good life..and be happy (at least that was the goal i wanted) and i decided to put dogma aside and do whatever i needed to do to get where i wanted to get.. for me that was a lot of therapy, leaving the 12 step program (but remembering the things that helped me), exploring my spirituality, writing, etc. i have certainly had my missteps and mistakes and have had times when i was "happy"... but 6 years ago, i didn't know what happy was..

once someone asked me what i thought it meant to be happy..they thought that i felt i should be thrilled with life every single second and never ever feel bad.. and of course that is unreasonable..  i explained that i felt that anyone who was happy at least 51% of the time was a happy person..and that was my goal..

for me, finding happiness was very much an internal job.. i really had to look inside myself and figure out what i was all about, what i believed in, what ideas about myself needed to go, what needed to stay...that type of thing. and you know, somewhere along the way, i became my definition of a "happy" person.. i would say i am happy most of the time(haha, well over my initial definitition of 51%.. I have raised the bar since, so to speak).  but really, i think different people may need different things in this world and everyone has the right to explore what options in this world work for them.  don't be held bound by fear or judgement.  follow your heart.

 

Glitter

Thats some real beautiful wisdom from Glitter & Freeespirit...Recovery can be a very  very difficult journey, but its wonderfully awakening process-- The unexamined life is not worth living, & recovery is ALL about awareness of self & life....Like Glitter, I believe we each define recovery for ourselves.......Thanks Ladies..

i am actually glad i have gone thru the things i have gone thru, including the growing pains.. i used to think ignorance was bliss, but in that ignorance was a general feeling of dissatisfaction right below the surface that i could not understand.  even now, when things are really really bad, i feel some comfort in the pain....i know i will be learning another lesson.. 

i am going through the same thing. its so hard for me to quit, i feel like im going to be a users forever. Im so sad and so scared.

Hi Montreal,

 

I saw your message here and I just wanted to say hi.  Getting clean was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and there are  alot of people on this site who have been through it.  I chose total abstinence, but other people here have chosen various forms of harm reduction.  Whatever the path it isn't easy, and it can feel very isolating.

 

Please keep posting, and talk to the people here because no one will judge you, whether you are clean or using or whatever.  If you want to quit using you can get lots of advice and support here too.  Hang in there, there is hope. 

 

-Curiosity

Hi Montreal  --  I know that feeling very well & I can tell you that time changes alot of our beliefs including this one...Just hang in there--do your best & DON'T try to do it on your own--Its alot easier to do when you're not alone---Get a support system (whatever suits you--NA/AA, one on one councilling, group therapy, join the Y,talk to positive people who are happy etc etc--We're always here for you to talk to, yell at, rant etc etc--Stick around.....Good Luck