BEFORE I WAS A DOG MOM

I made and ate hot meals unmolested.
I had unstained, unfired clothes.
I had quiet conversations on the phone, even if the doorbell rang.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got to bed
or if I could get into my bed.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I cleaned my house every day.
I never tripped over toys, stuffies, chewies
Or invited the neighbor's dog over to play.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I didn't worry if my plants, cleansers, plastic bags,
toilet paper, soap or deodorant were poisonous or dangerous.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never been peed on
Pooped on, drooled on, chewed on
Or pinched by puppy teeth.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had complete control of
My thoughts, my body and mind.
I slept all night without sharing the covers or a pillow.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I never looked into big, soulful eyes and cried.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop a hurt.
I never knew something so furry and four-legged could affect my heart so deeply.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never held a sleeping puppy just because I couldn't put it down.
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was well.
I didn't know how warm it feels inside to feed a hungry puppy.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being ...  A Dog Mom.

Are You a Dog Person?

You're a dog person if:

You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.

You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.

You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog?

Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")

90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).

You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.

No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.

You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)

You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.<o:p></o:p>

Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.<o:p></o:p>

The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.<o:p></o:p>

You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.<o:p></o:p>

All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.<o:p></o:p>

The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"<o:p></o:p>

Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).

TO GOD FROM THE DOG
 
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
 
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story?<o:p></o:p>

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
 
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?<o:p></o:p>

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.,  just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box;  although they are tasty, they are not food.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'

11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally.......

God, when I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

What Humans can learn from Dogs...

1.  Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

2.  Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

3.  When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

4.  When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Dogs know that doing these things make you happy...

5.  Let others know when they have invaded your territory.

6.  Take naps and stretch before rising.

7.  Run, romp, and play daily.

8.  Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

9.  Be loyal.

More advice from Canines on happier living...

10. Never pretend to be something you're not.

11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.

13. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Simple tricks for easier living from a dog's point of view...

14. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

15. On hot days drink lots of water or be under a shady tree.

16. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

17. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

And finally...

18. No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position tight forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding fear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse in from garden.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler, rub cat's throat vigorously.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep Hummell figurines from hearth and set aside to glue back together.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit, Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.<o:p></o:p>

Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water.<o:p></o:p>

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Place cat in cup board and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.  Fetch screwdriver from garage end put door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.<o:p></o:p>

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the toad.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pin from foil-wrap.<o:p></o:p>

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small pair of pliers.  Push pill into mouth followed by piece of steak.  Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.<o:p></o:p>

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Stop at furniture shop to order table on way home.<o:p></o:p>

Decide cat didn't need that pill anyway.  How sick can this cat be?  Treat yourself to a large, medicinal gin and tonic!<o:p></o:p>

That is really how it is too...they can kick your butt....lol