1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"
I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered
what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered..."<WBR>Why, not for about twenty years - when my
husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, ! except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patients dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up
from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish
I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name